But I'm Still Here
by saltoftheearth
Summary: Takes place during Goodbye Love. Mark's feels his world begin to spin out of control. My first story be kind!
1. All That You Leave Behind

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not even my own life.**

**Note: _Italics are Mark's thoughts_**

**Mark's POV**

**Wednesday, October 31, 1990**

_Damn it, another headache. My head hates me. Every day this week… why won't they go away?_

Maybe it was because he hadn't eaten yet today. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember when the last time was he had actually had anything of substance. So, that was a definite possibility. That could also explain why he felt as though his legs would give way at any moment, and why he kept seeing black spots float in front of his vision. _I really need to eat more, this is getting a little old._

Maybe it was from drinking day old coffee this morning on a very empty stomach. Which would also explain the nausea that continued to threaten to send him rushing to the toilet, or in this case behind the nearest bush or gravestone. He found that if he breathed a certain way he could very successfully ward off the nausea, at least for now.

Maybe it was from fatigue. Sleep had been very elusive for several weeks now. Ever since Angel started getting sick. The nightmares had started again, and it was just easier to avoid those altogether. Mark had never been a big sleeper anyway and spent most nights and early morning either perched in the window of the loft looking out over the city or editing footage he had shot that week. He was quite good at going through the motions when his limbs felt like rocks and his eyelids drooped like wet leaves. His roommate and best friend Roger was a heavy sleeper and was never up early enough to know. It's not like he didn't already have enough on his plate without worrying about his roommate's odd sleeping patterns.

Maybe it was from the yelling going on around him at the moment. Yes, that was probably it. Here, in the cemetery after Angel's funeral of all inappropriate places. Two pairs of former lovers; Mimi and Roger, Maureen and Joanne had seen fit to start fighting and yelling at each other. _I guess I can't blame them. __Tensions have been high for so long now. Everyone is tired, and everyone is hurting. They were probably so close to breaking, and going to a funeral of a close friend could be just the thing to push you over the edge. _Still a part of him was angry that they couldn't hold it together for Collins sake, who had just lost the love of his life. Mark knew he had to do something, to try to make peace before Collins made his way to where they were all gathered and had to witness this.

"Come on guys chill." _Oh yes, Cohen, way to be assertive. _

His plaintive pleas weren't working. No one was paying attention to him. _It's like I'm not even here. Maybe I should just leave, It's not like I'm doing anyone any good right now. Maybe I should just go back to the loft and go to bed. God, my head is killing me. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. Maybe I've really overdone it this time._

Mark started to slowly ease himself away from the group. The sound of Collins deep voice finally cut through the raised voices of Roger and Mimi. _Oh no. They're fighting, and Collins heard, and now he has to be the one to get them to stop. Why am I such a failure?_ Mark rubbed his temples as his headache continued to throb away. He vaguely wondered if his forehead was visibly pulsing with every throb of pain. Since no one seemed to be looking at him like he was an alien, he guessed that probably wasn't the case. _Of course no one's looking at me like some creature has crawled into my brain and made a nice comfy home for itself. No one's looking at me at all. _

**Later that evening...**

Mark paused outside the loft door. Roger had made a hasty exit from the cemetery after the fight. Maureen and Joanne left shortly after, leaving Benny, Mimi, Collins, and Mark behind in the cemetery. Mark's headache was getting worse and he knew that he needed to at the very least find someplace where he could close his eyes briefly or he wouldn't be able to take the pain much longer. However, Collins had insisted that he go with them to "get drunk", and Mark couldn't bring himself to turn him down. Not now. Not after Angel….

_Oh God. Angel…. Why?_ Mark closed his eyes to try to block out the thoughts that threatened to suffocate him. He could feel the tears forming behind his eyes, and the lump forming in his throat. He hadn't been able to cry yet. He couldn't remember the last time he actually cried. _Not yet. Roger's in there, you can't cry yet._ So he swallowed the lump and blinked back the tears. With a deep breath he pushed open the loft door and forced a slight smile on his face that he hoped masked the pain he was feeling.

Roger barely looked up from his task of packing for his departure for Santa Fe when Mark entered the room. Mark felt small and awkward standing there, fiddling with some fibers on the worn couch and trying to think of something to say to his roommate and best friend. He wanted to tell him not to leave. He wanted to tell him that he needed him right now, that he felt fragile and on edge. He wanted to tell him that Mimi needed him, too, even if she's trying her hardest to look like she's moving on and fine without him. Mark could see past that though. He had noticed that desperate look in her eyes and the shadows under them. He had seen how her skin had begun to stretch too tightly over her bones that were growing more and more visible by the day. He had noticed how her normally dark and glowing skin was looking pale and gray. And it scared him. His mind told him that it was a definite possibility that she could be fading just like Angel had, but his heart couldn't look that reality full on. Not yet. It was too close, and he needed time to heal before he could be broken again. _But how can I heal if I'm left alone? How can I heal if the only things keeping me company are my own thoughts and my camera? Why does he have to leave?_

"I hear there are great restaurants out west." Maybe he could do this, keep the conversation light, avoid confrontation.

"Some of the best." Roger didn't even look at Mark as he spoke. "How could she".

And before Mark knew what he was doing, he blurted out something that sounded far too much like an accusation, "How could you let her go". _What? No no no, Mark, shut up. Don't do this. He's in a bad mood, this will not end good. Just keep your mouth shut._

"You just don't know".

_No, you're wrong I do know!_

"How could we loose Angel?" Roger was back to talking to himself again, avoiding Mark, avoiding what was happening with Mimi.

"Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain! At least now if you try, Angel's death won't be in vain." Mark couldn't help it. He wasn't normally one for confrontation, but this was too much. He needed to say it. He needed to try to get Roger to stay there, to keep the family together.

"His death is in vain!" Roger kept moving, kept packing, pausing only briefly to respond to Mark's words.

Mark's headache was still throbbing away, worse than ever. He could feel the few beers he had just had with Collins, Benny, and Mimi waging war withhis empty stomach, which was trying to revolt and send Mark running to the bathroom. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying desperately to alleviate the pain, and failing. He could feel the bile rising in his throat, and he swallowed thickly before he spoke, "Are you insane? There's so much to care about. There's me – there's Mimi."

"Mimi's got her baggage too." Roger shot back.

"So you do!"

Roger finally paused in his packing and swung around to glare at Mark. Mark could feel himself shrinking under his friend's gaze. _Why did I say that? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?_

Roger stalked slowly toward Mark with a menacing expression, fists clenched at his sides.

"Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?"

"A Friend."

"But who Mark are you?" _I…I don't know. God, I don't know. _"Mark has got his work, they say. Mark lives for his work, and Mark's in love with his work." Roger's tone was mocking, causing Mark to visibly flinch. "Mark hides in his work."

"From what?"

Roger regarded Mark for a brief moment as if to assess whether Mark really didn't know the answer to that question or not before answering, "From facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie." With each word spoken Mark felt himself weaken. He knew Roger was right, he knew it was true, but it still hurt. He could feel his pulse in his temples, his chest felt constricted and it was hard to breath. He backed up slightly searching with his hands for something to grab onto in case his legs decided not to continue to hold him up. Why was this happening now? Why did they have to fight too, right before Roger left? Is it supposed to make his leaving easier to cope with because he would be leaving in anger?

While Mark faded a bit with every accusation from Roger, Roger seemed to gain momentum, taking a short pause to collect himself before landing the final blow. "Yes you live a lie! Tell you why – you're always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive! You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive."

Mark absorbed Roger's words, and felt them cut and slash to his very soul. He silently found it ironic that even as Roger accused him of being numb, and not feeling, he was experiencing some of the worst pain of his life. The pain seemed to be coming from everywhere. Angel's death had left him reeling and broken. He hadn't cried, but it wasn't possible to hurt this much and feel numb at the same time. He was so afraid that when Roger leaves, he would truly be alone the way he has always feared he would be. He loved Mimi, but their only common connection was Roger. He hadn't seen much of the sweet and feisty Latina girl since the break-up, and since she seemed to be with Benny now and Benny was sort of estranged from the group, he guessed he would still barely see her. He was just beginning to get to know her, and form his own bond of friendship before it all turned sour. He missed her, and in his heart there was already a strong sense of loss over her. Collins would be leaving soon for New England again, to start another teaching gig. He didn't know about Maureen and Joanne. They said some pretty harsh things to each other today, but then they left the cemetery together and he won't be surprised if they were working things out at that very moment. _I hope they can just admit that they love each other and need each other right now. But what do I need? Don't I need someone, too? And who will help me pick up the pieces of my life now? When Roger leaves, I'll be left alone. Again. Always. And isn't that how it was always meant to be? After all_ – "Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive!" _Did I just say that out loud?_

"Poor Baby." Roger glared at Mark for a moment, with a look of pure disdain and disgust. He quickly finished shoving some more things into his bag before throwing it over his shoulder and heading towards the door.

_No no no, don't leave! Say something, anything, make him stay, _"Mimi still loves you. Are you really jealous, or afraid that Mimi's weak?"

Roger looked deflated and worried. "Mimi did look pale."

"Mimi's gotten thin, Mimi's running out of time, and you're running out the door!"

"No more!" Roger cried, waving Mark away as though it could erase the fact that his ex-girlfriend, his love, might be slipping away.

Mark suddenly felt his panic give way to anger as he yelled after the retreating form of his roommate, "HEY! For someone who's always been let down, who's heading out of town?" He was surprised at the cocky, self-assured tone his voice took on. Just for a split second, the tone matched what he was feeling. But just as quickly as it came, it left, leaving that nagging feeling of guilt in its wake. He really didn't want to throw anything in Roger's face. He didn't want him to be angry, or worried. If he could, Mark would take away everything in Roger's life that caused him pain, and he had tried so hard to do just that.

Roger stopped and sighed. He slowly turned and looked at Mark, "For someone who longs for a community of his own – who's with his camera, alone?"

_I wouldn't be alone if you stayed, _Mark thought sadly. He gripped the back on the couch for dear life as the reality of what was happening began to sink in. For the first time during their argument, Roger's eyes softened as he looked at Mark. "I'll call. I hate the fall." He said, giving Mark one last look, a silent apology, as he opened the door to walk out of Mark's life.

Mark's breath hitched in his throat, he felt like he was suffocating. But still, the tears did not come. He heard rushing wind in his ears, and the black spots that kept dancing across his vision all day came back. His stomach burned and his blood pulsed in his temples. As Roger slowly pushed the door closed, without another look at his best friend, Mark could feel his legs buckling and the world went black. Mark didn't notice that Benny and Mimi were standing out in the hallway when Roger opened the door to leave. He didn't notice Benny watching him with concern in his eyes as the door was pulled shut. He didn't hear the conversation out in the hallway, or Mimi's heart breaking cries of "goodbye love". His grip on the couch weakened, and the floor rushed up to meet him as the black enveloped him completely.


	2. So This is it

Thanks for the reviews everyone! This is my first story, but it's something that's been in my head forever. It's not coming out in writing quite the same way it is in my head, but I'll blame a distinct lack of talent on that one. I hope you enjoy the second installment! I'm pretty long winded, so don't be afraid to tell me to shut up and stop writing if it becomes horribly boring ;)

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing**

**_Mark's thought still in italics_**

**Still Mark's POV**

**Wednesday, October 31, 1990 Late evening**

"SPEAK!"

Mark awoke to the sound of the answering machine. _Oh man, I must have fallen asleep. _He slowly opened his eyes, and had to blink a few times before it registered where he was. _What the hell? I fell asleep in the floor? _

"Mark?" _Maureen's here? What? _"Mark, if you're there pick up." _Oh yeah, answering machine. Maybe I just need to go back to sleep. _"Maarrkky. Ok, I guess you're not there. Or sleeping. Actually, I hope you are sleeping because you looked really tired today, but I guess we're all a little…. stretched. Um, anyway, I just wanted to see if Roger left yet, and to see if you wanted to meet Joanne and I at the Life for lunch tomorrow. Give me a call ok? I'll be here, uh, at Joanne's. Love you. Bye"

Mark chuckled softly as he sat up and brushed the dust bunnies off his clothing. "Good for them." He said out loud to himself with a small smile. He stood up and wandered over to the machine to erase Maureen's message and noticed the light blinking. _That's weird, I must have been really out of it, I didn't even hear the machine kick in. Well, I was on the floor…so…wait, I was on the floor. I couldn't have just fallen asleep on the floor._

Mark ran a hand through his blonde, spiky hair. He hissed as his hand ran over a tender spot on the side of his head. He pulled his hand back to look at it, as though it was what caused the bump he found there. Mark sighed and pressed the button to play his messages, making a mental note to check his reflection in the bathroom before leaving the loft, just to make sure the lump wasn't visible. On habit he moved to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose and found that they weren't there. _No wonder everything looks blurry. I must have taken them off before falling asleep._ As the first message played, he looked around the counters and tables in the loft for his glasses.

"SPEAK!"

"Mark? It's Benny. You're probably screening your calls right now, and you probably won't pick up now that you know it's me. Um, look, Mark I just…uh…I wanted to call to uh. Shit. Sorry, I'm not used to this. Look, just call me if you need anything ok? I saw you earlier when Roger was leaving, and you looked…uh…strange. You didn't look that hot at the funeral either. I know you think I'm an ass, and you're right, but I'm worried about you. Just call ok? Bye."

"Wow. When did he see me when Roger was leaving? Benny thinks I looked like shit, huh? I guess I'm not as invisible as I thought. I used to be better at hiding these things. I must be losing my touch. Where the hell are my glasses? Why am I talking to myself?"

"SPEAK!"

"Hey Mark? It-it's Mimi. Are you there? I'm pretty sure you're still there, I would have heard you leaving. Listen, I heard what you said to Roger earlier, and I just…well, thanks. You tried. Um, Benny's coming over tomorrow. He's going to bring me to a rehab clinic. I'm gonna get clean...finally. I want to see you before I go, ok? Call me, or just stop by. You know where to find me. Get some sleep, Mark, you looked terrible today. Love you."

_Oh geeze, Mimi thinks I looked like shit too? I wonder if Collins and Roger thought so too. I should stop by. I can't believe she's going to rehab tomorrow. _Mark felt himself fighting off tears as he thought of Mimi not being right downstairs, even if they wouldn't be seeing each other all the time. But he couldn't help but also feel an incredible sense of pride that she was finally getting clean. _I can't wait to tell Roger. Maybe he'll come home if she gets herself clean._

"Good for you Meems, good for you." He said out loud, swallowing the tears that were building up behind his eyes. He took a couple breaths to calm himself, but the action only resulted in another headache.

"You are kidding me." Mark moaned. _Well, at least that's one thing that won't leave me alone._ He thought bitterly.

He stepped back over to the answering machine to delete Benny and Mimi's messages, and he caught a glimpse of something catching the dim lamplight on the floor in front of the couch. "My glasses! How did they get over here?" Mark wiped his glasses off on his shirt and placed them on his face. Standing there, in the middle of the loft, he suddenly felt very alone. He glanced around at the dusty table with Captain Crunch crumbs and a few splashes of milk, there were a few dishes in the sink, there was still some coffee left in the pot on the counter, and the door to Roger's room was slightly ajar. It was so quiet, the sound of his footsteps as he made his way slowly towards Roger's room echoed in his ears. He reached his hand out, almost in slow motion, to push the door open all the way. The room was dark, a tiny bit of moonlight snuck past the makeshift curtain tacked up over the small, dingy, window. It was just barely enough to allow Mark to make out the items in the room. An old, tattered mattress lay on the floor against the wall with a threadbare sheet draped over it. A few posters from bands Roger had been in decorated the walls with the wallpaper tearing off. A few mismatched socks littered the floor that probably hadn't been swept or mopped in months. An old bureau Collins found discarded next to a dumpster in an alley sat in the corner. Mark snorted and smiled to himself to see that Roger had left the drawers pulled open still. It was just like him to not bother to shut the drawers. Mark pushed himself away from the doorway he had been leaning against and walked over to push the drawers shut. They squeaked in protest, which caused his headache to flare angrily at the irritating noise.

"Shit." He squeezed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tightly against the pain. He reached out a shaky hand to steady himself on the bureau as a wave of dizziness swept over him.

"SPEAK!" _The phone rang? What the hell is wrong with me?_ Mark stayed where he was, propped up against Roger's bureau waiting to hear who was calling.

"Mark? Buddy, it's Collins." _Collins? Wait, I'm coming._ Mark took a deep breath and pushed himself off the bureau and stumbled out of Roger's room and over to the answering machine. "Hey, man, pick up if you're there I want to talk to you."

Mark fumbled the phone before finally gaining control of his hands and bringing the receiver to his face. "Collins? Yeah, I'm here."

"Mark, hey. I tried calling a couple times already, but I didn't leave any messages. Were you screening?"

"Uh…not exactly." Mark took off his glasses to rub his eyes. "I, uh, I, I dozed off. Sorry." _That sounded brilliant._

"Sorry if I woke you up with all my calls."

"Oh, no, you didn't. I woke up about 10 minutes ago. So what's up?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, not much really. Did Roger get off ok?"

Mark ignored the urge to make some crude joke with that last question. "Yeah, he's gone," Mark sighed. "He left about 20 minutes after I got home, I think." _I yelled at him, he hates me, he's never coming back. _"He'll call when he gets there."

"Oh, that's good." There was an awkward pause in the conversation before Collins spoke again. "How long did you sleep? You looked like you could use a good nap earlier. How're you holding up?"

_Ok, so I guess Collins did notice. Apparently I'm transparent. _

"Aren't I supposed to be asking you that question? I'm fine. I took a nap, so… ship shape!" Mark closed his eyes and frowned while trying to fake enthusiasm over the phone to his friend. "H-How are you?" He asked quietly, feeling a lump forming in his throat. He rubbed his eyes again, suddenly feeling exhausted standing there, talking to one of his closest friends who had just attended the funeral of his lover earlier that day. _I can't believe we lost Angel. _

There was a pause on the other end of the phone, which made Mark panic, "Collins? Are you ok!"

"Yeah, sorry, man. I'm here. Jury's still out on whether or not I'm fine, though. Sorry, I just…I can't figure out how to feel right now."

"Yeah," Mark breathed. "Yeah, I bet." He wished he could think of something comforting to say to his friend, but his brain didn't seem to be working. _A lot of help I am. Way to be there for your friend._

"Yeah… Look, I'm gonna go, maybe try and sleep. Maureen and Joanne want to meet for lunch tomorrow, can you come?"

"Um, yeah, I think so, what time?"

"12:00 I think. You should bring Mimi. See if Benny's around and we can make him pay for it." Collins chucked at himself. _At least he can still laugh. I can barely smile without my head feeling like it's going to explode._

"Well, I've got to work at 1:30, but I can show up for a little bit. I don't know about Meems, though. She called earlier and said that Benny was going to be bringing her to a rehab clinic actually, so…. I'll ask though. It could be one last get together before she….goes." _Just like everyone else._

"Oh wow. Good for her. I hope she comes, I'll buy her a drink to celebrate. But, wish her luck for me if she can't come, ok? Go to bed, Mark. I don't want to see you at the Life tomorrow wandering around like a zombie. I'll see you tomorrow."

Mark laughed quietly, "Yeah ok, Collins. Same goes for you, ok?"

"Ok, kiddo. Goodnight." _Kiddo? What the hell?_

"Goodnight."

Mark just stood by the phone for a long time. He tried to focus on the sounds around him so he wouldn't have to feel the pain in his head quite so much, but found that the empty apartment was too quiet for that to work. Even the city outside that supposedly never sleeps was eerily quiet. _Figures. The one time I need distraction. _Mark sighed and shook his head in case he could somehow shake off this headache. It didn't work. _I should see Mimi, ask her to the Life tomorrow. See if she needs anything._

Mark ran his hand through his hair, rubbing against the lump that had mysteriously formed on the side of his head. "Ow, shit." He went over to the bathroom to check his reflection before heading down to Mimi's apartment. Sure enough there was a visible lump near his temple, just on the edge of the hairline. It wasn't that noticeable, but by the looks of it, it was yet to fully change into a lovely purple bruise. _Well, that should be attractive tomorrow. How did I even get that? _Mark pushed a nagging thought to the back of his mind that quite possibly, the lump on his head, waking up on the floor, and finding his glasses in front of the couch, could all be pointing to something he shouldn't ignore. But wasn't he the king of avoidance? Wouldn't want to go against reputation. _I just need to get some sleep for once, I'll be fine in the morning. Maybe I'll actually eat something at lunch. Maybe then my hands will stop shaking._

Mark clenched his jaw and pushed the heavy loft door open and made his way downstairs, determined to push his own concerns aside and focus on Mimi. She was going to need a strong support if she was going to get through these next several months. She might not need him, but he was going to be there for her just in case she wanted a shoulder to cry on, or a rock to rest against.

He raised his hand to knock on Mimi's door, but the door opened before he had a chance to knock.

"Oh!" Mimi gasped at the sight of Mark standing there with his hand raised.

"Sorry Mimi, I didn't mean to scare you." He said quickly, dropping his arm down and rubbing her arm soothingly. He gave her what he hoped was a small smile, but at this point he wasn't fully trusting his masking ability.

"S'ok. I was just coming up to see if you were around. Did you get my message?" Mimi shivered slightly and rubbed her arms, letting Mark's hand fall at his sides and she shifted positions. _She looks so lost, so unsure. How could Roger leave her like this?_

"Yeah, I did. I was napping, sorry I didn't answer the phone. Hey, it's freezing out here. You wanna come up to the loft for a bit? I could make some coffee." _I hope we actually have coffee to make come to think of it._

"Um, ok. Yeah, that would be nice." _See, this isn't bad. We can do this. We can keep each other company for a while before she has to face the hell of rehab. This is good._ Mark tried to reassure himself as much as he could. He wouldn't be able to be an encouragement to anyone if he didn't have hope himself.

The two friends made their way up the flight of stairs in a companionable silence, each lost in their own thoughts. It wasn't until they were in the loft with the door shut that the silence grew uncomfortable and strange. _I should make this place look more homey. It feels _Mark thought as he looked around the loft as though it was the first time. He tried to fill the unsettling quiet that had filled the air around them by puttering around the kitchen looking for coffee.

"Ah ha!" He exclaimed triumphantly, proudly holding up the coffee can to Mimi, who was presently looking intently at her feet and pushing some dirt around with her toe. "It won't take long, I promise. You can sit down if you want. Make yourself at home, Meems. There's a blanket on the couch if you're cold." Mimi looked up and smiled slightly without making eye contact and took Mark up on his offer. "So…uh, I talked to Collins earlier. He wants us all to meet at the Life for lunch tomorrow, around noon. I didn't know what time Benny was planning on picking you up, but you're both more than welcome to join us. There's even free alcohol involved," Mark tried to make his voice sound light and hopeful, "If you're up to drinking that early in the day, Collins said he'd buy."

Mimi cleared her throat and forced a smile at Mark, "Yeah, I-I'd like that. I'll call Benny, see if he wants to come. He can take me to the clinic afterwards. Maybe I can show up drunk and really impress them." She giggled a girlish giggle that quickly died in her throat and gave way to tears. Her tiny frame shook as she sobbed. She looked so small and fragile sitting there on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest, the blanket hanging loosely around her narrow shoulders. Mark froze for a moment at the sight before him, until is body caught up to his mind and he quickly rushed to her side.

"Shhh. Shhh. It's ok, Meems. It's ok." He whispered as he kneeled on the couch in front of her. He took her small hand lightly in his own and caressed it gently with his thumb. His other hand reached out and on instinct he began rubbing her arm. His heart broke to see her like this. The poor girl had been dealt two major blows back to back. Her best friend had gotten sick and succumbed to the virus that has poisoned 4 of the 7 (8 if you count Benny) friend's blood streams, while at the same time her relationship with her boyfriend had crumbled and fallen. The day of Angel's funeral, the man she was still in love with left to try to "find his song" in Santa Fe, and tomorrow she was about to admit herself into a rehab clinic to once and for all kick the smack addiction that had taken over her life. It was more than anyone should have to bear, and her frail shoulders didn't look like they could take that weight. But she was tough, and feisty. She had more strength than her slight size showed, and Mark knew it. Now if he could just convince her of that.

Mark pulled the shaking girl into a hug and rubbed her back as she wept in his arms, clinging to him for dear life. "Shhh, it's ok, honey. Everything will be better I promise."

"I'm so scared Mark. I don't know if I can do this alone. Why did he have to leave? Why did they both have to leave?"

"I know, Mimi, I know. I don't know why they had to leave, and to be honest, right now I could murder Roger for his crappy timing. But you know what?" He asked as he grabbed her shoulders gently and held her away from him briefly so he could look her in the eye before returning her to the embrace. "You can do this. You have Angel watching over you, cheering you on. Roger loves you, and he wants you to be healthy. He'll be back, you'll see. You just need to concentrate on getting better. I'll visit you everyday if you want me to, and if they'll let me! We all care about you Mimi, and we all know that you have what it takes to beat this. The next time Roger sees you, you'll be happy and healthy, and sexy as ever! You'll blow him away. He won't be able to resist." She laughed at his ending comments as she pulled out of Mark's arms. She sniffed and wiped her eyes so she could look at him clearly.

"Mark, you…." She laughed again. "Thank you so much. I don't know how you do that."

"Do what?" He said, cocking his head to the side like a puppy

"Say exactly what people need to hear. You really are a good friend."

Mark smiled sadly and shook his head. _No I'm not. I accused Roger of not caring about us. I picked a fight right before he had to leave for a car ride across the country. I'm a horrible person._

"Roger loves you too you know." Mimi said, reading his thoughts. _Ok, wow, now I know for sure that I'm completely see-through. How did she just do that?_

"W-what? I mean… I know that. Mimi I…. I said some hurtful things to him tonight. Would if he never forgives me?" Mark didn't know why he suddenly felt like he could express his fears to the girl in front of him. She was Roger's girlfriend, who had only recently started to become his friend too. He wasn't normally so quick to show his vulnerabilities to people. But at that moment, everything felt so raw, so fresh. They needed each other, and he knew it.

"Mark don't do that to yourself." This time it was Mimi's turn to pull her friend into a comforting embrace. "You said yourself he'll come back. You guys have been friends forever, it would take a lot more than one argument for him to just end that. Besides… I was there, I heard some of your fight. Roger said some pretty nasty things to you too. Are you going to forgive him?"

_But that's different. _"There was never anything to forgive." They sat holding each other quietly for a minute until Mark felt Mimi yawn. _I guess we can have old coffee in the morning. I think it's time this little girl gets to bed. _"Mimi," he said, pulling out of her arms. "You must be exhausted, and you have quite a day ahead of you. What do you say we call it a night?"

"Yeah, I think that would be the smart thing to do." She agreed, stretching her thin limbs out in front of her with another yawn. She regarded Mark for a moment, taking in the shadows under his eyes, his disheveled hair, his pale skin that almost glowed in the soft, yellow light of the loft. His eyes looked tired, and his shoulders slumped. His forehead was wrinkled slightly, almost as if he was wincing from some kind of hidden pain. Mark thought he saw a worried glint in her eyes before she blinked it away, laughed lightly, and swatted his arm playfully. "You'd make a good mom," she joked standing up from the couch. "The perfect Jewish mom." She added, giggling to herself with her hand over her mouth.

Mark stood up and rolled his eyes. Which actually caused his ever-present headache to strengthen suddenly, to an alarming degree. His hand involuntarily flew to his head, and he hoped that the action hid the wince that he couldn't help but show. Although he was pretty sure that the hissing sound that accompanied it didn't go unnoticed. Thinking quickly, he tried to cover it by pretending that Mimi's comment had caused the pain. "Ow! Mimi, that hurts!" He forced out a chuckle, just for good measure. When the initial stab of pain subsided enough, he opened his eyes, and tried to gauge her reaction_. Please buy that, please._

Mimi laughed with him, and swatted his arm again. _Good save, Cohen_. Her eyes turned solemn once the laughter died down. She suddenly looked nervous and unsure again, standing there by the door. She shuffled her feet and bit her lip. "Hey, Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"I uh, was wondering… c-could I maybe…um…"

"Yeah, you can stay here tonight if you want." He finished for her.

"Yeah… thanks." She sighed in relief. "I'll just take the couch."

"No, no, you don't need to do that. There's a mattress in Roger's room. Although, I'm not sure when the last time he washed his sheets was. They probably got washed the last time I washed them…. But I have some clean sheets! You can use those. Hold on, I'll get them." Mark went scurrying off to gather the bedding while Mimi hesitantly made her way to the doorway to Roger's room. It was so empty, but his mark was still there. "Here you go, Meems." Mark stopped as he caught her torn expression. _You are such an idiot! Of course this would be hard for her, sleeping in his room without him. GAH!_

"Oh Meems, I'm so sorry. I didn't think. You can sleep in my room. I'll just put these on the bed." He hurried off, shaking his head to himself as he went.

Mimi just sighed and followed him to his room, too tired to argue. "Thanks Mark." she practically whispered.

Within 5 minutes, Mark had her bed and the couch made up. Mimi was already asleep by the time he had finished getting ready for bed. He watched her for a moment, leaning against the doorway. _Sleep well, Mimi. I hope you have pleasant dreams tonight._

Mark dropped onto the couch, he closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come, hoping that tonight his dreams would also be pleasant, and that tomorrow would be a better day - one free of headaches, heartbreak, fights, andunexplained lumps on his head.


	3. Get Some Sleep

I love the reviews! Thank you everyone, you are all wwaaay too generous.

Sorry this one is so short. I'm trying a different point of view for this one. I hope you like it!

**Disclaimer: I will never own anything**

**_Mimi's thoughts in italics_ **

**Mimi's POV**

**Thursday, November 1, 1990 3:00am**

Mimi awoke with a startled gasp. _What was that? This isn't my bed, oh God where am I!_ She looked around with wide eyes, her heart beating in her chest and her muscles tingling from the shock of going from a dead sleep to sudden movement. It only took a few second of near panic for her to remember that she had spent the night in Mark's bed, while the poor boy slept on the couch in the "living room". Mimi sighed and started to lie back down when she heard what sounded like a strangled cry coming from somewhere in the loft. _There it is again! _She thought as she once again bolted upright in the bed.

"Mark?" She called softly. Her only response was some rustling and quiet moans coming from the living room. Mimi hissed as her bare feet hit the cold loft floor, and she tip toed across the room and tried to quietly push Mark's bedroom door open. She had to blink a few times to get her eyes adjusted to the dark loft. _What time is it I wonder?_ Mimi jumped when the lump on the couch shifted and groaned. _I wonder if he's still asleep. _"Mark?" She whispered again, trying not to make the floor boards creak under her as she slowly made her way to the couch.

"No!" Mark cried out, thrashing slightly before sitting up with a gasp. Mimi froze for a minute, stunned from the sudden outburst. Mark sighed and run his hand through his hair, his shoulders slumped. _He looks so defeated. _As Mark was rubbing his head, he hissed and drew his hand back suddenly. The movement seemed to wake Mimi up enough for her to realize that she should probably do something other than just standing there like a statue out of Mark's sight. _Girl, what are you doing? Go to him!_

"Mark," she said quietly, not wanting to startle him, as she finally moved from her spot and walked toward the couch.

"Oh!" Mark gasped, grabbing the back of the couch and looking around to figure out where the sound came from.

"I'm so sorry, Mark, I didn't mean to scare you. Are you ok? You must have been having a bad dream, sweetie. You were making noises in your sleep." She knelt down in front of the couch and placed her hand on his knee over the blanket.

"S'ok Meems." Mark breathed, glancing at her with a small, shy smile. Mimi thought she could see him blushing, even in the dark. He rubbed his eyes for a moment before reaching to the end table for his glasses. Once they were in place, he took another look at Mimi, only to see her yawning. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I woke you up didn't I? What time is it anyway?" His eyes drifted around the room until they fell on the clock on the wall, which read 3:05. "Damn, it's three o'clock in the morning. Come on, let's get you back in bed." Mark stood up and gently helped Mimi to her feet. He slipped an arm around her waist and the two shuffled back toward Mark's room.

_He's right, I could fall asleep standing up! _Mimi yawned again and rested her head on Mark's shoulder. _Mmmm, this is cosy. Actually, it would be more cosy if Mark's shoulder wasn't so boney. _Mimi wrapped her arm around his waist and gave him a small squeeze as they reached the bed. _Good grief he's skinny! I think I'll try force-feeding him later at the Life._

"Ok, here we go, back to bed." Mark said, as Mimi lifted her head from his shoulder. They let go of each other so she could sit down on the bed.

Mimi looked up at Mark and smiled sleepily. He smiled back, but the smile vanished a little too quickly and she noticed Mark swallowing and wrinkling his forehead. "Mark, are you ok? Do you want to talk about your dream?" Mimi took his pale hands in her own.

Mark cleared his throat and attempted to smile again, with mixed results. "I'm fine." He said firmly, giving her hands a squeeze. "I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. Get some sleep."

_Are his hands shaking? _Mimi glanced down at their joined hands, but Mark let go and ruffled Mimi's hair before dropping his arms to his sides. _He looks so tired…. almost sad. I hope he won't be too lonely here with Roger gone. It never really occurred to me before that he not only left me, but he left Mark, too. I guess he left all of us really. I hope Roger's ok. I hope he pulls over if he gets too tired. I hope he turns around before he even gets there and comes running back in to my arms. I hope he knows I love him._ Mimi didn't even realize that she had started crying as her thoughts turned to Roger.

"Shhh. Mimi, what's wrong?" Mark asked softly as he crouched down in front of her, taking her hands once again and rubbing them with his thumbs. _Shit, what's wrong with me? I can't even focus on someone else for 2 seconds? Pull yourself together!_

Mimi sniffed and wiped are eyes before answering him, "No, I'm ok. Sorry Mark. I was just thinking about Roger. Just having a Mimi moment." She laughed it off. _He looks so concerned, poor thing._ Mimi reached out to pull Mark into a hug. _How did I not notice how the bones in his back stick out so much? Ok, I am so force-feeding him later._ "What do you say we get some sleep, ok?" She said, pulling out of the hug and swinging her legs up onto the bed.

Mark smiled and pulled the blankets up over her shoulders as she laid back down. "Sorry I woke you up." He said with a sheepish look on his face.

"Don't worry about it. Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, of course. You?" _He's so damn sweet. And I am so damn tired._

"Always."

Mark leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss to her forehead and smoothed her hair down before standing up to leave. Mimi reached out and took his hand as he turned away.

"Hey – will you be able to go back to sleep?" _I know I will, I can barely keep my eyes open._

"Sure, Meems. I'll see you in the morning…. or later in the morning." His shoulders rose with a soft chuckle.

Mimi gave his hand a squeeze before letting go and wiggling her arm back under the covers. She yawned and her eyes dropped closed. "M'k," she breathed as she felt herself already drifting off to sleep. She thought she heard a quiet "Goodnight, sweet girl," and she smiled as she gave in to the exhaustion that washed over her tiny body.


	4. Here We are Again

**Disclaimer: Not mine, none of it **

**_Collins thoughts in italics _**

**Collins POV**

**Thursday, November 1, 1990 11:55am**

Collins looked around the Life Café. From his seat in the corner booth he could see the entire restaurant that had been the favorite hang out of his, and all his friends for the past several years. He smiled sadly as he remember that night after Maureen's protest that they all were together for the first time as a "family". Even Benny was there, although he wasn't exactly joining in the fun. It was more like the fun was at his expense. _Poor bastard, I'm sure he meant well, he just forgot what it's like to be a boho boy. He's comin' around though. Leave it to our Angel to bring him back into our lives even after killing his dog… and even in her death. _Collins could almost here the laughter and singing from that night. He closed his eyes, and could feel the energy that had whirled in the air as they danced on the tables and toasted everything thing about life that they could think of. He chuckled quietly to himself as he pictured Mark spastically dancing in his own little world. Maureen and Joanne groping and kissed each other without a spark of embarrassment or apology. Roger and Mimi found peace and happiness in each other for once. _Well, that was good while it lasted. I know they'll find that again…. I just hope they do while there is still time to enjoy it._ And of course, there was Angel, who was always so full of joy and life. While everyone else was letting go and tearing down walls (albeit temporarily), Angel was simply being who he was, who _she_ always was, everyday. She was generous, and caring, and she brought love to everyone who knew her. _And now she's gone. And here I am. Left in a world that was here before I knew her, but one that I can hardly imagine living in without her._

"Collins!" For a moment Collins thought Maureen's voice was a part of his daydream of a night almost a year ago. It wasn't until the drama queen actually jumped on his lap that he realized she was actually there in person.

"Oh! Maureen! How are you, girl?" he said, finally hugging her back.

"Much better now." She said, with a hint of seduction in her voice as she wrapped an arm around Joanne's waist and gave it a squeeze, while still sitting in Collins lap.

"Are you two…" Collins finished the thought by pointing from one to the other, eyebrows raised.

Maureen giggled and took Joanne's hand and kissed it. Joanne smiled down at her and nodded.

"Yeah, we went home and talked things over last night. And then we-"

Collins put his hand up to protest whatever was about to come out of her mouth. "Ok, ok, I got it!" He laughed, shaking his head.

Joanne smacked Maureen's arm playfully and tried to sound forceful, "Maureen!" She couldn't hide the smile that seemed to have taken up residence on her lips, though. _Good for them. I knew they'd come around eventually. Now if only Roger and Mimi would…_

"Hey guys!" Mimi chirped. Maureen leapt off Collins' lap to attack Mimi will a hug that should have knocked down the smaller girl. _Wow, Mimi's stronger than she looks. _

Mark walked up beside Mimi smiling shyly at the two women hugging. Benny trailed behind them, looking slightly awkward with his hands in his pockets. "Hey man, glad you could come." Collins said as he stood up to shake Benny's hand.

"Yeah, me too. How are you doing?"

"Oh, you know. Still here." Collins said with a smile, "Good to be with friends." He pat Benny on the arm and turned to greet Mimi who had effectively been crushed my Maureen, then squeezed a little more gently in a hug from Joanne. "Meems, how's my girl?" he held her lightly in his arms, with one hand resting on the back of her head.

"Oh, you know. Still here." She echoed his own words back to him. They laughed quietly with each other before pulling out of the embrace. Collins gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and stroked her hair before looking away to find Mark, who was hugging Joanne. He watched as Mark and Joanne had a word-less conversation that seemed to end with the understanding that Maureen and Joanne had patched things up. He noticed Joanne give a questioning look at Mark, gesturing to the side of his face, Mark responded by giving a small shake of his head, rolling his eyes, and blushing. _What the hell was that all about? _The two laughed and hugged again. Collins smirked at the pair. _Well, would you look at that. Those two seem have some sort of secret "Maureen victim" bond. That's sweet. _

Before Collins had a chance to say "Hello" to Mark, Maureen finally noticed Mark was there and made quite the show of a greeting, as usual. _Oh, Maureen, I wish you would just leave that poor boy alone. Although, on second thought, this is rather amusing._

He watched her fawn all over her ex-boyfriend. "Oh Marrky!" She squealed, catching him in a vice-grip hug, and kissing him on each cheek.

"Um… Maureen. It's great to see you, too, but, uh…. a little air?" Mark choked out after hugging her back briefly before letting his arms hang loosely at his sides. Maureen just laughed and ruffled his unruly, blonde hair before finally releasing him. She wasn't quite done with her somewhat unwanted attention.

"Honey, did you sleep like I told you to last night?" She took his face in her hands and looked into his eyes intently as though they would play back Mark's evening activities. Apparently she didn't like what she saw. "You didn't, did you? Mark, you look exhausted." _Yeah, I'd be exhausted too if I knew I had to face a Maureen interrogation._ "Oh my God, Mark, what the hell happened to your face! Were you in a fight? Were you mugged? Oh Pookie!" She lightly stroked the side of his head before crushing him in another hug.

Joanne sighed at her girlfriend's behavior. Mark caught Joanne's eye and gave her an apologetic and desperate look."Maureen, stop it. I'm fine!" He gently removed her arms from his waist and smiled reassuringly at her. "Just give me some tea and I'll be golden." _Was that Mark trying to sound peppy? Did he really just say "I'll be golden." Oh man, I don't know about that boy sometimes._

Collins laughed,grabbed Mark's arm and pulled him away from Maureen before she could protest. He wrapped his large, long arms around the smaller boy's narrow shoulders. "Hey buddy. Glad you could make it. Thanks for dragging Mimi and Benny along too." He held Mark by the shoulders in front of him to get a better look at his friend and saw what Maureen must have been exclaiming about. The left side of Mark's head, near his temple was raised slightly and was a deep purple/blue color. "Ohhh, that looks angry. Really, what did you do, boy, fall off your bike trying to save your camera?" _Speaking of which, his camera doesn't seem to joining us today. Huh. Mimi must be one persuasive chica. _

Mark blushed and looked at his feet. Mimi put a comforting arm around his shoulders, "Actually, 'Grace' here played chicken with the coffee table last night."

"Um… what?" Collins laughed

"It's no big deal. I just woke up and forgot that I was on the couch, and the coffee table had to remind me. Nothing dramatic, no big story. Can we please stop talking about it now?" Mark's face was beat red and he refused to look anyone in the eye. Maureen snorted somewhere behind him, and Benny was smirking and shaking his head.

"I blame myself actually…. If I had just slept on the couch instead of taking over your bed you would have been fine. He claims to have forgiven me though," Mimi said, standing on her tip-toes to kiss Mark on the cheek. Mark smiled down at her.

"That's our Mark, always the gentleman. That's sweet. I'm glad you kept each other company." _I guess I was the only one who spent the night alone last night, unless you count the always faithful stoli. Not that I would have been great company for anyone anyway. _

"Come on guys, let's sit down and order! I'm starving!" Mimi clutched her stomach and started shoving people into the booth. Mark waited politely until everyone else was seated before sitting down next to Mimi and Benny. Just as they had taken their seats,the waitress lazily wandered up to their booth. She looked like she was bored to death and would rather be anywhere but there. She didn't look at anyone, but smacked her gum and mumbled, "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Um, yes, I'll have green tea please." Mark said politely, smiling at her, but she wasn't paying attention to see it.

"I'll just have a water thank you." Mimi said.

"Coffee, please. Black." Benny said. Collins had to swallow a chuckle at how business-like he sounded. Apparently the waitress noticed this too and finally looked up to get a better look at her customers. When she saw that they weren't a group of executives out for a lunch meeting, she popped her gum loudly and looked back down at her pad of paper.

"I'll also have a coffee, cream and sugar, please." Joanne said, giving Maureen's knee a little squeeze. _Look at those two, they can't keep their hands off each other._

"Could I have a diet coke?" _That's Maureen, forever watching her girlish figure._

"I'll have a diet water." Collins said, straight-faced, while Benny laughed and Mark snorted. It took the girls a few minutes to figure out that he was kidding, and soon they had all burst out laughing. Collins smiled his most charming smile at the waitress who stared blankly at him before popping her gum and turning to go. "Oh, and a round of champagne on me, thanks." The waitress nodded, scribbled on her pad of paper, and walked off to place their drink order.

Everyone was quiet for a few minutes while they looked over their menus. Collins had the menu memorized and already knew what he wanted. _Pasta with meatless balls, oohh yeeah._ He sat back in the booth contentedly and looked around at his friends. Maureen and Joanne sat next to him, holding hands sweetly under the table. Every now and then they would squeeze each other's hands and stare into each other's eyes. _They are so in love, it's ridiculous. I hope they can hold onto that this time. _Benny was sitting against the wall on the other side of the table. He looked like he was studying the menuas thoughit was going to give him the answers to life, the universe, and everything. He had yet to look up from it since they sat down. _He must feel so awkward. The last time he was in here the same time we were, things were a little hostile between us all. But he's changed a lot since then… we all have, I guess. _Mimi was sitting between Benny and Mark. She looked antsy and fidgety. She couldn't keep her hands still, twirling her hair, scratching her arms, rubbing her legs. She furrowed her brows at the menu like it was written in Hebrew and she couldn't decipher a word of it. She finally put the menu down, cleared her throat and folded her hands on the table and started looking around. She caught Collins' eye and winked at him with a flirty smile playing on her lips. Collins smiled back and raised his shoulders in a silent chuckle. _Oh, Mimi. What are you going to do with yourself now that Roger's gone? I hope rehab works for you, girl. Maybe if you're clean Roger will come back to you, come back to all of us._

Finally Collins' gaze rested on Mark. _Maureen's right, the boy doesn't look like he's seen a decent night's sleep for weeks. And that lovely bruise must feel really good right about now. _He took in Mark's red, tired eyes and the shadows under them. His eyes had a glassy look, and it didn't appear that they were actually focused on the menu even though that was the general direction they were looking in. His skin was always ghostly pale, but today it almost looked translucent. His fingers were fiddling with the silverware on the table, and his fingers looked longer and bonier than Collins remembered. _Are his cheekbones sticking out more than usual? If he gets any scrawnier he could start fitting into Mimi's clothes. _Collins had to fight off a giggle at the thought of Mark in one of Mimi's ruffled mini skirts, ripped fishnets, and over the shoulder tops. _I wonder how drunk Mark would need to be to dress in drag._

The waitress returned with their drinks. And took her pen out from behind her ear to take their food orders.

"What can I get you?" She asked, still completely unenthused about being there.

This time Collins started the ordering, which was met with the usual chorus of "eww" and "disgusting". He just chuckled and waited for the others to place their orders. He found himself getting lost in his own mind again, and didn't pay attention to the rest of the orders. _It would have been nice if Roger had stuck around for this. Of course, if he was here than we'd all have to listen to him trading insults with Benny and throwing jabs at Mimi every chance he got. Mark would try to make peace and it wouldn't do any good. Maureen would get moody and that would throw some tension between her and Joanne that doesn't need to be there. Eventually I would have to drag the ex-junkie, rocker-wanna-be aside and tell him to cool it. Hmm, that actually doesn't sound like a heck of a lot of fun, really. But it would be expected, and in that way, almost comfortable. As much as we all seem to be getting along right now, there is still an almost tangible gap where Roger should be. And Angel? I can almost feel her with us here, telling us to keep moving and that we need to be together today. Too bad Roger didn't quite get that message._

"No way, Mark. You are not going to get away with having just your tea." Mimi's voice returned Collins to reality.

Mark stared at Mimi, silently pleading with her to let it go, but she wasn't backing down. She stared back with a defiant look in her eye. The waitress just stood there looking as though she was torn between walking away, and waiting for Mark to change his mind. When Mark didn't change his mind, Mimi broke the stare and addressed the waitress, "Then I'll order another veggie burger and a side of fries which you can go ahead and place in front of him," she said gesturing to Mark who had closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, looking very dejected. "Sorry, Mark. It had to be done. Just think of it as one last favor to me before I head off to rehab hell."

Mark opened one eye to look at her, before closing it again. He slowly leaned forward until his head rested on the table lightly. He sighed audibly and when he picked his head back up he was grinning a goofy, lopsided grin. He reached over and picked up his glass of champagne and held it up. "Here's to Mimi's newest adventure that she will be embarking on later today. May rehab hell be worth it, and may she come out on the other side to greener grass and healthier, happier days, and with a few extra dollars in her purse as an added bonus."

"To Mimi!" the group cheered simultaneously.

"To rekindled love! To us!" Maureen shouted, kissing Joanne on the lips passionately. Joanne blushed lightly and ducked her head.

"To road trips, too bad Roger's taking this one alone. Wish you were here, buddy. Drive safe, stay on the right, and take your AZT." Mark added.

"To guardian angels, and one in particular. May she watch over all of us as we take our respective journeys. Keep us safe, keep us together. To Angel." Collins gave his toast with a soft smile and soft voice.

"To Angel." They raised their glasses and drank to their fallen friend, their guardian angel.

"So, Mimi. What's the name of this place you're running away to?" Collin's asked, breaking the silence that had washed over the group after the toast.

"Oh, um… I'm not sure…" Mimi looked at Benny for the answer.

He cleared his throat, "Uh, it's called Safe Harbor. It's about ten minutes outside of the city. It's supposed to be decent I hear."

"I knew someone who worked at some rehab center in Georgia that actually had a dance at the end of the program. It was supposed to be some big incentive to finish the program, a reward. Can you imagine? A rehab prom?" Maureen said, shaking her head so her curly locks bounced around her face.

"Oh, that is hideous!" Mimi laughed. "Ug, I hope they don't have anything like that here. It would be an incentive _not_ to finish the program."

"Oh, I don't know. Dancing can be therapeutic. Right, Mark?" Joanne smiled and winked at Mark. Who, of course, blushed a deep shade of red and lowered his eyes.

"What's this now?" _Ok, now I'm intrigued. Joanne and Mark actually have an inside joke, and it involved dancing no less._

"Just ask Mark to tango with you sometime. He's quite good." Joanne smiled into her coffee and tried to look casual.

Mark moaned and rubbed his eyes. "You all must truly hate me."

"Awww, Mark. I didn't know you knew how to dance! And to think, all those times you watched me try to get Roger to dance with me, I should have been asking you. I can't believe you just kept that a secret!" Mimi lightly slapped Mark in the arm.

"All these years that I've known you. Who knew you had it in you." Collins shook his head and laughed. "Benny, did you know about this?"

"No, sir. That I would love to see."

"Ok, now I'm really pissed. My girlfriend gets to tango with my ex-boyfriend? Mark, I begged you to take me dancing when we were dating, and you said that you had two left feet! I can't believe you!" Maureen pouted and sunk down in her seat. Collins didn't miss the playful glance she sent Joanne's way, or the way she squeezed Joanne's knee under the table to let her know she wasn't really upset.

Marked groaned again. "I do have two left feet, I can't dance, I learned how to tango back in Scarsdale, and when I met Joanne we found out we both knew how to tango, and that's all I'm telling you horrible people."

"I still say you owe me a dance." Mimi said firmly.

"In that case, you owe me about 20." Maureen giggled. "Oh, food!"

"Oooh, yeeeah." Collins rubbed his hands together in anticipation. There were a few whoops from the gang at the welcome site of the waitress coming toward them with a large round tray of food.

"Dig in!" Mimi ordered cheerfully, giving Mark a pointed look before taking a big bite of her veggie burger.

The group grew quiet as everyone ate, enjoying their meals, and enjoying each other's company. This was going to be the last time they'd be all together (minus Roger) for quite some time. _So here we are. Mimi's heading off to rehab, in a couple weeks I'll be heading back to New England to start a new job, and who knows when Roger's coming back. Mark has to go to work at Buzzline in half an hour, and just like that, this'll be over. I'll be back for Christmas, and who knows what things will look like then. Why do I feel like everything is changing? Why do I feel like this is it? I just want to hold on to this - this moment. Just a little while longer._

** Ok, that's it for now! Mark's POV again next. **

** Again, thank you all for the wonderful reviews! And feel free to tell me to just give it up if you think I should stop with this writing business.**

** Stay tuned!**


	5. I'll Be Waiting

**Disclaimer: I can't even imagine owning anything **

**_Mark's thought in italics_ **

**Mark's POV**

**Thursday, November 1, 1990 12:30pm**

Mark stared down at his food, pushing his fries around with his fork. _I don't know if I can do this. _He had been feeling nauseous on and off all morning, and that pesky headache wouldn't leave him alone. _Not that this damn bruise on my head is really helping any. _He had decided that morning when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and noticed how nasty it looked that he would have to make up some reason why it was there. He knew that at the very least Maureen would question him about it and he also knew that she would need a better explanation than "Oh, this? I don't really know where it came from actually. I woke up on the floor with it last night, and my glasses were on the floor in front of the couch, mysteriously. I must have suddenly developed narcolepsy." Mark felt bad lying to his friends, but he couldn't stomach the thought of giving them something else to worry about unnecessarily. _Apparently I can't stomach much of anything these days. _He frowned down at the food in front of him as another wave of nausea washed over him. _How ironic. I'm too nauseous to eat, but I'm so hungry I'm nauseous. Only me, I swear. Ok, Mark, Mimi is watching you so just suck it up and eat a few fries to start with. Who know, maybe it'll help the nausea go away. Here goes. _Mark took a quick breath and stabbed a French fry with his fork and tentatively ate it.

"You eat fries with a fork?" came Mimi's voice from next to him. Mark just looked at her, too busy chewing to respond.

He could hear Benny laughing from the other side of Mimi, which was soon joined by Collins, and then the rest of the gang.

"Good God, Mark. Even I don't use a fork for my fries." Joanne laughed.

"That's rich. Buddy, put that thing down and dig in! They taste better when eaten properly improper." Collins said, laughter still clinging to his eyes.

Mark just glanced down at his fork and back up at this friends a couple times before putting his fork down. "Hey, back off." He said with a small smile, a blush rising to his cheeks. "My mom had cloth napkins that no one was really ever allowed to actually use because she didn't want them stained, so… finger foods didn't really exist in my house." Maureen snorted. "Leave me alone, I'm still learning the ways of the world!" Everyone laughed as Mark made a dramatic show of picking up a long, floppy French fry and shoved it in his mouth. He wiggled his fingers, making sure everyone could see and wiped them on the paper napkin in this lap.

"Mark, our mothers can never meet. It sounds like your mom could give pointers to my mother, and that is saying something, believe me." Joanne mused, eating a fry of her own before reaching onto Maureen's plate, snatching a fry, and feeding it to her girlfriend. Maureen giggled and gave Joanne a peck on the lips.

"I still don't get it." Mimi said, her mouth full of her veggie burger. "Why didn't you just lick your fingers instead of using the napkins?" She furrowed her brow and looked thoughtfully at her burger. "How did you eat sandwiches?"

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look over at Mark, who had just frozen in the act of cutting a piece of his veggie burger. Mark blushed and put down his utensils before dropping his head to the table, while a burst of laughter erupted from their table.

"Oh you are hopeless, boy!" Collins said, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes.

"Glad I'm so amusing," Mark mumbled, his head still resting on the table.

Mimi rubbed his back, "Oh, baby. You know we love you!"

_Ok, I suppose I can see why this is so damn funny. Sometimes I think I'm from another planet entirely._

"Mmmppf." Was Mark's barely audible reply.

Hmmm. The table isn't all that uncomfortable, actually. Maybe I'll just stay down here for the rest of the meal and avoid having to finish my food. Mimi meant well, and I would love to be able to finish a nice warm meal, but…. right now the smell of it alone is making me want to gag. Maybe it's morning sickness. I must be pregnant. I wonder if my feet will swell?

"I think he fell asleep." Benny joked, reaching across Mimi to poke Mark in the arm.

"Ok, ok, we're sorry. You can come out now." Mimi whispered in his ear, shaking his shoulder slightly.

Mark sighed and picked up his head. _Oh God, too quick. Shit shit shit, here come the black spots. Maybe if I just keep my eyes closed for a while…_

"Ok, that was step one, now you can open your eyes!" Maureen said, he could tell she had a mouthful of something. _Why do the women in my life always talk with their mouths full? I wonder if it's safe to open my eyes yet. I guess I can't hide in here forever._

"Awww, there he is." Collins cooed, reaching across the table to pinch his cheek.

Mark blushed and rolled his eyes. "I hope your meatless balls give you gas." He said, trying his best to glare at his friend before picking up his sandwich and taking a bite. There was another round of laughter, and then a comfortable quiet as everyone munched on their food.

Mark glanced at his watch and saw that he only had 10 minutes left to spend with his friends before he had to bike the 5 blocks to Buzzline. The thought made him feel almost instantly tired. He was not looking forward to the long day, and possibly night, ahead of him. His boss was very unpredictable and he never quite knew when he went into work if he would be working for 5 hours or 10. He could usually tell within the first 15 minutes of work what he was going to be facing. Mark hadn't been able to get back to sleep after he woke up from another nightmare the night before. He had spent the rest of the morning sitting on the windowsill, standing out on the balcony, watching Mimi sleep, and dusting the living room, before finally heading up to the roof to film the sunrise. He watched the footage later, and was actually quite pleased with it. _Well, that's one bonus to insomnia. That was one of the brightest sunrises I've seen all year. I hope Alexi has some strong coffee waiting for me when I get there though. I'm going to need a major caffeine injection if she's in one of her moods to work everyone until midnight. At least I can sleep in tomorrow morning._

Mark felt Mimi gently nudge his arm, and he realized he must have been rubbing his eyes for the past couple minutes. _Oops, I should really pay more attention to what I'm doing in front of other people. _She rubbed his arm gently, and gave him a concerned, questioning look. Mark quickly glanced around to make sure no one else was watching their exchange. He really didn't want Maureen making a big deal out of nothing in front of everyone. To his relief, no one was paying attention to them, they were all quietly chatting amongst themselves and enjoying their food. Mark's gaze fell back to Mimi, waiting patiently for his response. Mark gave her a reassuring smile and a slight shake of his head to let her know that he was fine. "I was just realizing that I have to go to work in…. 7 minutes, and I'm really not looking forward to that. When are you and Benny leaving?"

"I think right after this. I'm gonna go back to the apartment, pack some things…." Mimi trailed off, looking down at her plate and absent-mindedly pushing her remaining fries around on her plate. _She looks so small and scared. I wonder how long she'll be gone. I wonder if they'll let me see her. I'll grill Benny about the details later. She doesn't need me asking her a million questions._

"I'm going to miss you, you know." Mark said softly, taking her hand in his. "It's going to be so quiet. If I start talking myself, I'm blaming you, ya know." He smiled and squeezed her hand.

"Hey, I don't need your insanity on my conscience. Why can't it be Roger's fault? He's the roommate." Mimi bumped Mark's shoulder with her own lightly. Mark smiled, and looked down at his plate. He had taken a few bites of his sandwich, and had maybe 5 fries total. _I really wasted all that food didn't I? _Just then, his mouth went dry and another wave of nausea threatened to send him rushing to the bathroom. He tried drinking his tea, which only made it worse. _I should have gotten water. _He kept swallowing, hoping to at least hold his food down long enough to say a proper goodbye to Mimi and get to work. He felt his eyes stinging and a cold sweat start to break out on his forehead. He let go of Mimi's hand before she would notice his hands shaking. _Ok, forget that. Bathroom now. Goodbye later._

"I think I'm going to take a trip to the bathroom before I go, I'll be right back." He got up to excuse himself, hoping that had come out as casually and smoothly as he thought. _Don't run, they'll see, just walk at a normal pace. Keep swallowing. Oh great, everything's blurry now that my eyes are watering uncontrollably. Breathe, Cohen, breathe._

Mark was barely able to close the stall door behind him and get his head positioned over the toilet before heaving and throwing up a little more violently than he was expecting. What he had eaten for lunch today was pretty much the only thing in his stomach, so it didn't take long to empty. _Well, at least there wasn't much in there or I'd be here all day. _He took a few deep breaths before flushing and turning to go. He had just put his hand on the handle when he felt his stomach lurch again. _Oh, here we go again. _This time he staying where he was for a few more rounds, until he was sure he had also emptied all his stomach acid and just continued to dry heave. T_hat was pleasant. At least that will take care of the nausea, I hope. Unfortunately the headache is now 10 times worse. I hope Alexi has some asprin or something. _Mark splashed some water over his face and tried to get the acidic taste out of his mouth by sloshing some water around a few times and spitting it out. He fished around in his pocket and found a stick of gum. _Oh, thank God for that lady at work who is forever asking me if I want gum. I hope this gets rid of puke breath. I can't believe I just threw up. I hope this goes away soon. That's one good thing about both Roger and Mimi being gone, I don't have to worry about them catching whatever the hell bug I have and landing in the hospital. _Mark took a deep breath and took one last look at his reflection. He looked slightly flushed, but he supposed that was better than deathly pale, however his eyes were pretty bloodshot, and that bruise on his temple was looking pretty sore. _Oh good grief. I think Roger must have looked something like this when he using. I wish I had eye drops. I look like I've been hitting the reefer pretty hard. Collins would be proud. Maybe I'll just pretend I've starting smoking if anyone asks what the hell is wrong with my eyes. Although, that might not be totally believable considering my lack of an appetite lately._ Mark ran a hand through his hair, and made his way back to the table.

"Hey guys. There was a really chatty old man in the bathroom. I thought I'd never make it out of there!" _Hey, I'm getting really good at this lying thing. _"Well, I hate to eat and run, but I've really got to get to work."

"Eat and run? You barely touched your food." Collins said, leaning back in the booth with his arms crossed, looking at Mark like he had just stolen his sister's Barbie and wouldn't give it back.

"Sorry. Ran out of time, I guess." _Geeze, why do I feel like he can completely see through me. Maybe I'm not so good at this lying thing._ "Stop looking at me like that and stand up and hug me." Collins shook his head and complied. Slowly everyone else stood and moved out from the table to see their friend off. Mark caught Mimi's eye, "You're going last." He said pointing at her before turning to hug Collins and the rest of the gang goodbye. After finally dragging himself out of Maureen's usually crushing embrace he moved over to where Mimi was standing, looking up at him and smiling almost sheepishly. Mark sighed and took both her hands in his. They just looked at each other for a few seconds, swinging their arms back and forth before Mark finally pulled her into a hug. Mark felt as though he had grown 10 times closer to Mimi over the last 24 hours. He had never felt has comfortable around her as he did now. They had made the leap from being friends in a group, and friends because of their connection to Roger, to being friends because of a deep caring for each other that could stand on its own. Mark smiled to himself as he let this knowledge wash over him. Maybe he wouldn't feel so alone, now that he knew that there was someone else out there watching over him and needing him to watch over her.

"Thanks for letting me stay over last night." Mimi whispered in his ear.

"Thanks for staying." Mark whispered back. _I wish a certain other person would have stayed. _"You can do this, Meems. You're going to be fine. You'll blow everyone away with your strength and life, Safe Harbor won't even know what hit them. When you get back, we'll have a big party for you."

"Will you…. come and visit me?" She asked quietly.

"As often as they'll let me." Mark kissed her on the top of the head and started swaying back and forth from foot to foot. He giggled softly as a thought occurred to him. _She says I owe her a dance. I think right about now would be a good time to give that to her. _Mark began humming softly into Mimi's hair and moved his arms from around her shoulders. He placed one hand on the small of her back and took her hand in the other. He wordlessly began dancing with her in a slow circle, before changing into a waltz. Mimi giggled and followed Mark's lead. The pair kept their eyes closed and their cheeks touching as they moved slowly together. The rest of the gang moved out of the way to give them room and watched the two friends dance their impromptu dance. Mark had been slowly picking up the pace until he suddenly picked up the small girl and spun her around. She held tight onto Mark and squealed as hair whipped around. When he set her back down on her feet he touched his forehead to hers and said as seductively as he could, "Now, we tango." The gang whooped and cheered as they tangoed together for a couple minutes. Mark ended their dance with a dip and then leaned down and kissed Mimi on the forehead before pulling her back up. They stood there, holding hands and catching their breath for a moment.

"Wow. That has got to be one of the best rehab send offs in the history of rehab send offs. That was awesome, Mark!" Mimi was beaming, while Mark stood staring at their hands and blushing. "You'll keep the home fires burning?" Mimi broke the short silence.

Mark just smiled and nodded. He kissed her hands and without another word turned and left the restaurant. _So there you have it. She's going off to get clean, and I'm going off to work at Buzzline. _Thanks to Mark's lovely stint in the bathroom earlier his nausea was gone. But the extra exertion from his spontaneous dance didn't make his headache too happy_. I must be really out of shape, because that little dance just completely winded me. Ah, but it was worth it._

Mark unchained his bike and started his journey to Buzzline, hoping this would be a short night so he could get home to bed. _Ok, tonight has got to be the night. I have got to get some sleep here before I completely fall apart. How long can people function on total sleep deprivation? I think I could easily be just the lad to find that out if I keep this up much longer. Maybe I should start keeping a sleep journal and submit it for scientific study. Maybe I'd get some money for it._

Mark made his way through traffic to the large corporate office building that housed his "job from hell". He parked his bike outside and chained it to the bike rack next to the building. He nodded a greeting to the two men standing in three-piece suits outside the entrance door, probably waiting for taxis. He always wondered what they thought of him, rushing to work on a bike, hair spiked and disheveled, patched second hand clothing, and a messenger bag. _I must be quite a sight. _He pushed his way through the glass doors and mentally prepared himself for whatever Alexi had in store for him tonight, chanting to himself that this would give him money, money for rent, money for AZT, money for food, and money for life. His bed would be waiting for him at home, and he would do it all again the next day, and the next, for as long as he needed to.


	6. The Daily Grind

All the reviews have been awesome! Thank you everyone!

**Disclaimer: Nothing will ever be mine **

**_Mark's thoughts in italics_ **

**Mark's POV **

**Friday, November 2, 1990 1:28am**

"Damn it," Mark cursed as his keys clattered to the floor as he clumsily tried to balance his bike against the wall and make sure his bag didn't slide off his shoulder. He sighed and scooped up the keys and tried a few times, unsuccessfully to fit them in the keyhole before finally unlocking the door to the loft. _I shouldn't have had all that coffee. I can't hold my hands steady. _Mark had barely gotten his bike safely inside and the door shut before the phone rang.

"SPEAK!" Mark and Roger's voices echoed through the loft as Mark glanced at the clock. _1:30am, oh God what is it now. _Mark found himself beginning to panic and he froze in place waiting to hear whatever desperate voice was about to come through the machine.

"Heeey Marky," the slurred, deep voice of Collins filled Mark's ears. _Collins? Drunk? Ok… I guess that's better than someone being sick or dying. _Mark sighed in a mixture of relief and irritation and made his way over to the phone. "Sorry it's so late, I didn't know what time you got out of work and I was just wondering-"

"Hey Collins." Mark breathed. He was suddenly aware that he was still out of breath from his hike up the stairs to the loft. _I really should start exercising. You'd think after biking through the city on an almost daily basis, and taking that flight of stairs with a bike a couple times a day, I'd be ready to run in the Boston Marathon. Guess not._

"Mark! Oh good you're there. How are you Marky?" Collins only called Mark "Marky" when he was drunk or when he was in a really teasing mood.

"Um, I'm fine Col. Just got back from work. So… what's up? Are you ok?" What he really wanted to say was, "You're drunk, and it's 1:30 in the morning and I just got back from working 11 hours without a break, I am incredibly tired, so this better be good."

"Oh, Mark. You're so good. You work so hard." _At least he's nice when he's drunk._

"Yep, that's me." Mark rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn.

"Listen, Mark. I know it's late… and I – I'm a little drunk. I uh, called earlier, but you weren't home. Just let me know if it's too much to ask, but…" _It's ok Collins, spit it out. _"It's really quiet over here and you know how I hate the quiet." There was a long pause, and just when Mark was about to see if his friend was still there, "I miss her, Mark." Mark had to strain to hear Collins, but he heard, and he knew what his friend was asking.

"Collins," Mark closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. "It's not problem, buddy. I'll come get you. You can stay here."

"Yeah? It's no problem? You don't mind?" He sounded so small, so unlike the usual booming, confident, care-free voice of the man Mark had grown to love and admire.

"Of course not, Collins. You know you're always welcome here. This is just as much your home as it is mine. I'll be there in 10 minutes ok?"

"Yeah, ok. Thanks, man. Love you."

"Love you, too. See you soon." Mark hung up the phone and found himself swallowing back tears. He felt so guilty for being irritated only a few minutes ago. _I am so selfish. I can't believe all I could think about was how tired I am when one of my best friends is sitting alone in an apartment he shared with the man he loved. Collins is grieving, and hurting, and lonely, and I am a selfish bastard. I should have told him to come stay here yesterday. Why didn't I think of that? No wonder Roger left…. I'm no help to anyone. Not when it really counts._

Mark shook his head trying to shake away the thoughts that were threatening to drag him down into a useless stupor. _Ok Mark, focus on Collins. He needs you now._ He opened his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall. He noticed the red blinking message light on the answering machine and decided to listen to his messages while getting the loft tidied up for Collins.

"Mark, hey, it's Collins. It's about 5:00 and I was just checking to see if you were back from work yet. I guess it is a little early. Hey, listen, call me back. I want to ask you something. Thanks, buddy."

Beep

"Mark, it's Benny. Just thought you'd want to know that Mimi's all checked in and settled at Safe Harbor. I don't think she'll be able to have any visitors this week, but she will probably be able to call before then. Anyway, seems like a nice joint. I think she'll be ok there. Call me if you need anything. You know the number."

_No visitors for a week? Poor Mimi. She's going to go crazy. _Mark paused in his task of changing the sheets on Roger's bed and looked sadly at the phone, as though it could send his sympathy to Mimi at Safe Harbor.

Beep

"Mark, Joanne. Hey, Maureen and I were wondering if you wanted to get together tomorrow night. We want to do something to cheer Collins up, you know… keep him company. We could hang out at your place if you don't have any money to go out. Maureen and I could bring some snacks over. How does that sound? Give me a call, ok? Oh, and Maureen says to get some sleep and to eat a hardy breakfast. I second that. I mean really Mark, we don't need you fading away. One of us needs to be sane and healthy!" Joanne chuckled before hanging up.

_Oh Joanne, sometimes I think you worry more than I do._

Beep

"Mark? Collins here. 10:45ish. Just, seeing if your home. Call a brother back, would ya!"

Mark chuckled. _How does he manage to still make me smile, even through all his pain? Hmm.. I suppose he could have been drunk already. That could have something to do with it._

"Ok, I think that'll work." Mark said to himself as he took one last look around the loft to make sure it was presentable enough for a drunk Collins. He put clean sheets on Roger's bed, and his own, and picked any embarrassing dirty closes up from the floor. _I really need to clean this place. I don't know when the last time it was thoroughly cleaned… how do we live like this?_ Mark shook his head and sighed as he picked up his keys and once again headed out the door.

Mark found the walk to Collins place surprisingly invigorating. The chilled November air seemed to wake up his system as he wrapped his coat around his thin body and trudged through the dark, dirty streets of the city. Mark held his head down and kept to himself. At that time of night it was never a good idea to draw any attention to yourself. Mark was small, and didn't have a fighting bone in his little body. So, he figured his best defense was to be invisible. Even with his head down, he was still "Mark the observer" and instinctively kept his senses sharp to what was happening around him. Living in that part of the city, you learn quickly, and often painfully, that there are things that hide in the shadows that you should be afraid of. Mark remembered as a child being afraid of the dark under his bed, and what lurked behind his closet door that could never fully close. It was always open a crack, and that black strip terrified him so much that he would sometimes find himself screaming to his older sister Cindy to close the door. She could never close it completely, and that black opening haunted his dreams for years. He often thought back to those childhood fears, and compared them to the fears he faced now. They were so similar, it was almost comical. Only then there were no monsters under his bed waiting to grab his ankle as he climbed into bed. There were no men with chainsaws hiding in the dark of his closet waiting for him to look away before bolting out to attack him. No, the shadows now held real men with fists, knives, and bats. They could hurt you if you gave them an opportunity, and they did. In the four years Mark had been in the city he considered himself quite lucky to have only been mugged a small handful of times - three times to be exact. Well, more if you count those times someone asked him for all his money, but when Mark didn't have any, instead of beating him and searching him for anything of value, they had left him alone. One time the muggers took pity on him and asked him if he wanted to join them. Mark smiled to himself as he pictured those young teenagers. They were trying so hard to be tough with their dirty scowls, ripped jeans, and leather jackets. They tried to hide their youth and fear behind long, unwashed hair and gravely voices. But Mark knew. He saw. Mark also knew that sometimes that youthful fear was sometimes the thing to be the most afraid of. He knew that kind of fear and inexperience often lead to irrational behavior, and rash actions. And in a neighborhood like that, those actions could be violent and deadly.

Mark breathed a sigh of relief as he finally made it safely to Collins apartment building. He knew he was an easy target on these streets. Sometimes he thought it was a miracle that he was still alive. Last year when Collins was mugged and beat up in the alley outside their building, he couldn't sleep for two weeks because he couldn't figure out why that would happen to Collins and not to him. Collins was tall, dark and solid. He was kind of a force to be reckoned with in his own right and could be intimidating when he wanted to be. He was kind and gentle by nature, and never looked for a fight. But Mark had seen him hold his own more than once. On several occasions, it was because Collins was protecting Mark from some guy at a bar, someone who didn't like the camera aimed at them, or even Roger during some of his more aggressive withdrawal episodes. But that night Collins had been attacked by several men, and even he was no match for them. Mark could feel his stomach churn at the very memory of the incident. Collins hadn't told him much about what had happened, and he insisted that he was fine. Mark had to admit that Collins was quite good at letting those things roll off his shoulders. He didn't dwell on it, didn't take it personally. Mark on the other hand let his mind create vivid and disturbing images of what might have taken place that night and had a very hard time getting those images out of his head. Collins was well aware of his friend's tendency towards worry and anxiety, but even he will probably never be fully aware of how strong a hold those tendencies could have on Mark. _Ok, Cohen. The last thing you need to do right now is restart that reel in your mind. Collins was fine, and is fine. Right now you just need to collect your drunk, but very physically able friend and get him back to the loft in one piece._

Mark took a deep breath to collect himself before knocking on Collins' door. He could help but smilewhen he heard Collins shuffle towards the door, trip over something, and curse in that deep, rumbling voice. The door swung open with what looked like more force than Collins had meant it to. He had to steady himself briefly, holding onto the doorframe before noticing Mark standing there, smirking at his drunken display.

"Hey, Mark." Collins smiled a lazy smile and hugged his friend. Although it was more of a "lean and balance yourself on your friend" than a hug.

"Alright, Col. Let's get back to the loft." Mark laughed as he slipped his arm around his friend's waist. The pair stumbled and swayed their way out onto the street. Once they got going, Mark found that he didn't really need to hold Collins up much, which he was relieved about since that would make them look rather vulnerable. On the way back to the loft, he listened to Collins ramble on about how he never noticed how quiet the city could be before and that maybe in twenty more years he would enjoy a quiet like that, but that right now, the quiet was deafening and unwelcome. Once back to the old apartment building, the two clumsily made their way up the stairs. _He seems to be doing really well considering. Maybe he's not as far gone as I thought. He always could hold his liquor_. Collins leaned against the wall and waited for Mark to unlock the door. _Ok, I guess the caffeine has worn off. I can actually use my hands without looking like I'm on speed. _He pushed the heavy door open and the two shuffled into the dark, empty loft. Mark quickly moved to turn on the light before Collins could kill himself on the coffee table or anything else in the loft.

"Home sweet home," Collins sighed as he flopped down heavily on the well-worn couch. Mark smiled at him as he hung up his coat and threw his keys on the table. Collins closed his eyes and started humming to himself softly while Mark checked the messages. _Man, I am suddenly rather popular. I'm gone for twenty minutes and I already have messages. _He hit "play" and sat down on the couch next to Collins who gave his knee a few pats as a sort of greeting and went back to humming with his head leaning against the back of the couch.

Beep

"Mark?" Mark shot to attention at the sound of Mimi's voice on the machine. "Um, if you're up could you maybe pick up?" _She sounds so small, so scared. Oh God, I hope she's ok. I don't even have a number to call her back! _Marks thoughts whirled in head while Mimi paused in her message, probably waiting to see if he would pick up the phone. "Ok, I guess you're in bed already. I hope I don't wake you. I'm ok, so don't panic or anything." Mark allowed himself a little smile. _Too late, Meems, but you probably already knew that. _"So anyway, I don't have a clue what the number is here, but I'm just… having a hard time getting comfortable I guess and wanted a familiar voice to help me sleep. First night jitters, ya know? Ok well, I'll just, uh, try and sleep then. Good night Mark." Mark sighed and rubbed his eyes. _Shit I wish I was home. Poor Mimi, she must be going crazy. And it's only the first day. Maybe I should call Benny, what time is it? Oh… 2:15, too late. Or early. Maybe the operator would have the number. Do they charge for that? _A heavy hand on his shoulder brought Mark out of his thoughts.

"Hey." Collins deep voice always had something of a grounding effect on Mark. "You ok?" _Am I ok? Mimi's the one in some weird rehab facility going through who knows what, all alone. You're sitting here because the love of your life just died and you're alone and grieving, and drunk. Am I ok? _

Mark cleared his throat, "Of course."

"You seem a little…. worked up. Mimi's going to be alright you know. If she needs you, she'll call back." _Is it possible to sober up that quickly?_ Mark was suddenly aware that he was still rubbing his eyes and that he had slowly moved so that he was perched on the edge of the couch. _Ok, I guess I do look a little tense. _Mark let a slow breath out and leaned back in the couch. Collins threw his arm casually around his old roommate's shoulder. "Mark there's no sense in worrying about things you can't control or change. You're just going to make yourself sick. You know that don't you?"

"Yeah, I know." Mark breathed, bringing his hands up to cover his face as he sunk into the couch. "It's just…. It's just that she's there all alone. It's only the first night, and it's going to get so much worse for her. It's going to get bad and no one's there to hold her and rub her back. This is all wrong. I should have told her to stay here. I should have helped her through this like I did with Roger. Oh God, Collins. Would if this doesn't work, and she ends up resenting us for letting her go there in the first place instead of being there for her here."

"Mark, stop." Collins cut him off before he could follow that line of thought any further. "This was her decision. If she wanted to do this another way, she would have said something. With Roger it was different. There were more of us around and available to help, and you didn't have a job keeping you busy. I'm leaving in a couple weeks, Maureen and Joanne are trying to restart their relationship and they live across town, Roger's on his way out west, Benny's married and has his own life to live, and that leaves you. I know you would have been willing to help her through this on your own, and that you're capable of doing just that. But, Mark, look at you. Look at your life right now. You're exhausted all the time, you're working long hours at Buzzline. You would have needed to quit your job and then you would have no money for food, rent or anything else. You barely eat or sleep as it is, Mark. I think this is the better way. And Mark, she isn't exactly alone you realize. She is actually at a place with people who have been trained to help her through this. I think she's exactly where she needs to be to get the help she needs, without killing you in the process."

Mark kept his eyes closed for a moment, letting Collins words sink in. _Damn it, even drunk he's right. As much as I hate Buzzline, I do need this money right now. Mimi needs someone to pay for her AZT, and who knows when Roger will get any money out there in Santa Fe. I know Benny is feeling pretty generous right now, but I can only take advantage of that for so long. _Mark slowly opened his eyes and looked over at Collins, offering him a small smile. He nodded at Collins and ran a hand through his hair. _Shit, Roger's AZT, he'll be running out next week and he probably will have no way to get more. I'll need to pick some up and find out where to mail it out to him. I can't believe I didn't think of that before! How much money do I have? _Mark jumped up and ran over to his coat to find his wallet.

"You have got to be kidding me, Mark. You have two seconds of calm and I can tell already you've found something else to fuss over. What is it now?"

Mark gave a short nervous laugh, "Uh, I just realized Roger's AZT runs out next week and who knows when he'll find a paying job, or a clinic. I have to remember to pick some up and send some to him. Only.. shit. I don't have an address….shit." Mark stopped and scratched his head. _OK, calm down. You have enough money to cover his AZT as long as nothing else comes up. I don't get paid for another week, but I'll be ok with what I have until then. I'll just eat light. As usual._

Collins chuckled and shook his head. He stood up and stretched before wandering over to where Mark was standing. "Boy, I don't know what we're going to do with you. You're going to be completely gray by the time you're 30." He pretended to look for gray hair in Mark's hair.

"Oh cut it out. I haven't found any yet! Besides, someone's got to think of these things." Mark laughed despite himself.

"Yep, and that someone always has to be you, right?" _Always has been, why change that now? _"It's not like you could see them anyway.

"Um… what?" _Ok, maybe he is still drunk_

"The gray hairs. Your hair is so damn blonde I don't know how you could see them anyway."

"Ah ha." Mark rolled his eyes and swatted Collins hand from out of his hair. Collins just laughed again, ruffled Mark's hair and wandered back over to the kitchen.

"Got anything good in here?" Collins asked with his head in the refrigerator.

"Probably not, but help yourself." Mark answered, sitting back down on the couch. He glanced at the clock and suddenly felt very tired once he noticed it was getting close to 3:00am. _Well, at least I don't have to work until 1:30 again tomorrow. If I go to sleep now and sleep in, I could still get a good 8 hours. _"Oh, yeah. Joanne called earlier. She wants to hang out tomorrow with us, but I have to work again tomorrow and I have no idea what time I'll be home. Are you going to be around if the girls come over tomorrow night?" Mark called into the kitchen.

"I don't have any plans. They're welcome to come over and hang. As long as they bring beer."

Mark smiled, "Yeah, I think Joanne said something about bringing over provisions."

"What time do you have to go to work tomorrow?" Mark could tell Collins had found something to eat and was talking with his mouth full of whatever it was he found. "Same time as today?"

"Uh-huh. 1:30 until whenever." Mark sighed.

"Mark, buddy, it's almost 3:00. You should get to bed. I know you. You'll be up early no matter what time you go to bed. You need to get some thick curtains in your room or something. Maybe you should invest in sleeping pills."

"Yeah I should get to bed. Don't worry though, as tired as I am now, I think I could sleep for 12 hours straight." _As long as my mind doesn't wake me up. I wish there was an off button to dreaming._ Mark yawned and wandered into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and splashed some water on his face and called it good. "Hey, Collins, there are clean sheets on Roger's bed. Feel free to crash in there. Are you going to be ok? Can I get you anything?"

Collins put his plate in the sink and just stared at Mark before smiling and shaking his head. "You are too much, boy. Too much. I'm fine, get out of here!"

"Alright, alright." Mark gave Collins a quick hug. He let his hand linger on his shoulder for a moment. "Don't stay up forever. If you wake me up before 11:00, I'll kill you." Collins gave him a salute as Mark headed off into his bedroom. He didn't even bother to take his clothes off before falling into bed. _All in all, not the worst day ever. I felt much better after I threw up after lunch, better than I've felt for a couple days actually. Even the headache subsides enough to function after the third cup of coffee. Work sucked, but Collins is safe and sound… and I think Mimi is too. I hope Mimi's ok. I can't forget to pick up Roger's AZT tomorrow. I hope he calls soon. _Mark let his thoughts carry him into sleep, his brow furrowed as his worries followed him even there. Collins stood in the doorway to Mark's room for a few minutes, until he was sure he had fallen asleep before heading to bed himself. The remaining alcohol in his system, and the comfort of being in a familiar place eased him into a deep and restful sleep.

**About 3 hours later…**

"No, come back!" Mark gasped as he sat up in his bed. _Oh my God, what…where am I…where's Angel? _He put a hand to his chest and gulped in air, his eyes frantically scanned the dark room. He could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest and his entire body was shaking. _Ok, ok… I'm in my room. I was sleeping. Dream. It was just a dream. Angel isn't here, Angel is…. Dead. Oh God oh God oh God. _Mark buried his face in his hands and swallowed back the tears that threatened to spill out. He sat like that, trying to control his breathingfor a few minutes until he could feel his pulse slow to a normal rate and his body stopped shaking. He finally took his hands away from his face and glanced at the clock. _Shit. 6:10. So much for a good night's sleep. _With a sigh, Mark swung his legs over the side of the bed, hissing when his bare feet hit the cold wood floor. He shuffled into the bathroom and stood for a moment, bracing himself with his hands holding the corners of the small sink, his head hung low, eyes closed. _I've got to get a handle on this. I can't keep doing this. _His sighed and lifted his head to look at his reflection in the mirror. He groaned at the sight of his pale skin, dark circles under his blood shot eyes that made his blue eyes glow in the dim light. The bruise on his temple was starting to fade to a sick yellowish color around the edges. _I look like death. No wonder I can't get a date. This is really getting old. _

Mark splashed cold water on his face and wandered back out into the living room to perch in his regular spot on the windowsill. He looked out the dingy window at the streets below. The city was washed in the pale gray color of early morning. A few people were walking along, probably on the way to work. A stray dog was poking around across the street near a trashcan. A homeless man stirred from his spot on a bench down the street to adjust the worn and hole filled blanket he was wrapped up in. The scene was old, repetitive, and depressing. _I can't believe this is where I live. _He shook his head and turned from the window and scanned the loft. Everything was so quiet and dull. It felt like all the color had been sucked from the room. _Like a faded picture. _Mark let his mind wander back to Christmas the year before. He could still picture Angel dressed up in her Santa costume and zebra print tights. He didn't know it then, but that day was a turning point in his life, and the life of all of his friends. Angel had breezed in and filled their home with life and color and laughter again. It had been so long since they felt that carefree, that alive. Collins was back, and was about to discover that this person would be the love of his life. Roger had been in a depressed rut for so long, but was about to be forced back into the land of the living by a vivacious Latina. She would finally get him to smile again, to laugh. Even Maureen would make a grand re-entrance back into their lives with her new girlfriend, Joanne who Mark would grow to love and admire as a grounded, down-to-earth, loving, and strong woman. Without even trying Joanne managed to bring much needed balance and order to their lives that they didn't even realize they needed. _I wish we all knew what we had found back then. I wish we knew to hold onto it and embrace it for all we had before it was gone. And it is gone._ Everything had fallen apart. It had happened piece by piece, but at the same time, seemingly overnight. _And now look at it. Look at where we are. Look at my life._ There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he looked around the room. He pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them, trying desperately to comfort himself. He felt like the walls were getting farther and farther away, creating this vast, bleak, gray emptiness. It made him feel tiny and lost. _Where did everyone go? Why does everything have to change? Why does everyone leave me?_ Mark felt hot tears slip from his eyes, and burn their way down his cheeks. His shoulders shook in silent, wracking, sobs and he squeezed his eyes shut against the emptiness he thought would swallow him whole. His tears slowly subsided as exhaustion took over. Mark fell back into another restless sleep, curled up on the windowsill with his head resting on the cold glass.


	7. So Much I Never Knew

sorry this took so long folks!

Still loving the reviews and advice! You guys are amazing.

Could someone let me know if this is entirely too much dialog? i can't tell!

**Disclaimer: I don't own RENT. Just playing.**

**_Collins' thoughts in italics_ **

**Collins' POV**

**Friday, November 2, 1990 7:05am**

Collins groaned and rolled out of Roger's "bed" and onto the floor. "Ooooph." _Oh dude. Good thing this bed is just a thin mattress on the floor or that could have been a lot more painful. Oh Lord, what time is it? Why am I awake?_ Collins rubbed his head and stretched from his position on the floor. He looked around the room for a clock, but didn't find one. _Roger must have taken his clock with him. Bastard._

Collins yawned, scratched his chest, and shuffled out into living room. He squinted at the clock on the wall. _7:05. Ug. What the hell am I doing up? _He shook his head and wandered into the bathroom.

A couple minutes later he emerged from the tiny bathroom and was about to head back into Roger's bedroom when he heard a muffled groan from somewhere in the room. Collins looked around, trying to figure out what made the noise and his eyes fell on the huddled figure of Mark on the windowsill. _Jesus Mark, you scared the shit outta me._ Collins took a few steps closer to try to see if Mark was still asleep.

"Rachel… mom, it's Rachel. Nooo.." Collins could barely make out the mumbles that were coming from Mark. Collins stopped for a moment so he could hear better. He watched as Mark shifted slightly in his tight ball on the windowsill. One arm moved from around his knees to clutch his stomach and his head fell back lightly to lean against the window frame behind him. He tilted his head slightly so it was facing Collins a little more head on.

_Damn, he must be having one heck of a dream. _Collins frowned as he took in the pained expression on his friend's sleeping face. _What the heck is he doing on the windowsill anyway? I wonder how long he's been out here… I bet he'll be sore when he wakes up._

Collins stood there watching Mark for a minute, waiting to see if he needed to wake him up if his dream got any worse. He felt a little guilty watching his friend sleep like that, like he was disturbing a private moment. _Does he always look that tense in his sleep? When does that boy relax I wonder._

"No, no… it's ok. She's ok right? Rachel…." A small whimper followed Mark's mutterings. Collins shook his head to clear his thoughts and slowly made his way over to Mark.

"Hey, Mark," he whispered as he approached.

Mark responded with a small groan. He turned his head back towards the window and pushed his knees even closer to his body. "Don't go. Don't…" Mark breathed.

Collins sat on the windowsill in front of the sleeping boy. Now that he was closer, he could see that Mark was shivering slightly, and it looked like dry tear tracks streaking down his cheeks. _Oh, Mark. What is going on in that head of yours. _"Mark, come on buddy, wake up." Collins touched Mark's knee lightly and gave it a small shake. "Mark," he tried again.

This time Mark's head rolled to the side and back again, hitting the window lightly jolting him awake. "Whaaa?" He opened his eyes, and looked around the room wildly. His frantic gaze passed over Collins, it looked like he was having a hard time focusing on anything. Collins could see that he had started shaking, and both arms were now clutching his stomach tightly.

"Mark," Collins tried to calm him down by placing a hand on the side of Mark's face, hoping to get him to finally see him and snap out of the panicked state he was in.

Mark gasped at the contact and lifted one arm to grasp Collins' wrist. He was still looking around wildly and only briefly glanced at Collins. He seemed to not see him, and his face contorted into a grimace of fear and pain that broke Collins heart to see. _Oh, God now I'm scaring him to death._

"Come on, buddy, I think you're still dreaming,"

"Dad?" Mark's eyes were frantically trying to find where the voice was coming from. "D-Dad it-it's Rachel. She's… they took her away… Dad?"

Collins reached out with the other hand to cradle his friends' face. He had never seen Mark so disoriented before, and it was one of the most unnerving sights he had ever seen. "Mark, it's me Collins. You're still dreaming."

"C-Collins?" Mark finally focused on the man in front of him. He blinked a few times, confusion etched deeply into his pale face. "Wh-where, what? I.."

"Shhhh. Hey, it's ok. You were dreaming. I thought I should wake you up. You fell asleep on the windowsill."

"Oh," Mark sighed. He let his shaking hand fall from Collins wrist and he wrapped his arm back around his middle and pushed his knees into his chest as far as he could.

_How does he do that? How does he manage to squeeze himself into these tight balls? God, he's shaking so much._

"Hey – you ok?" Collins took his hands away from Mark's face and put them on Mark's narrow shoulders.

Mark stared down at his knees for a moment. "I-I thought…She was…." He let out a frustrated sigh and dropped his head onto his knees.

Collins moved off the windowsill and kneeled on the floor beside Mark. He wrapped his strong arms around the shaking shoulders of his friend and pulled him into an awkward hug. _Man, I don't know when I've seen him so shaken up. Well, maybe after April. _He could feel Mark's shoulders rise and fall a few times, and his breathing sounded like he was crying.

"Oh, Mark. It's alright." He felt Mark's head nod, and the shudders slowly died down. "Hey, look at me. Talk to me. Tell me why you're so upset." Collins eased out of the hug and sat with his legs crossed on the floor.

Mark stayed in his ball a few seconds before picking his head up to lean against the window frame. He kept his eyes closed for a moment longer. His shaky hands came up to cover his face, and he let out a long sigh. Collins waited patiently for him to collect himself. A minute later Mark finally lowered his hands. He turned his head to look at Collins with a small, sheepish smile.

"I'm alright. Just took me a bit to wake up I guess. Sorry if I scared you. I'm fine, really. Just a stupid dream." He smiled again and yawned. "What time is it anyway?" He tried to look past Collins to see the clock on the wall, but realized he couldn't see it anyway without his glasses on.

Collins kept his eyes trained on his friend, "It's probably about 7:30. And you're changing the subject. Wanna tell me what that dream was about?"

Mark dropped his eyes to the ground, "I uh… I don't remember." He cleared his throat and started fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

Collins was quiet for a moment, watching Mark. _Ok, I definitely don't believe him. Something is going on with him and I wish he would just talk to me instead of holding it all in as usual. _"Mark," he paused trying to figure out how best to word what he wanted to say. He suddenly remembered some of what Mark had been saying in his sleep. "Mark, who's Rachel."

Mark's fidgeting hands started shaking. He stopped playing with the hem of his shirt and splayed them out onto his knees in an effort to try to stop them from shaking. Collins watched patiently while Mark closed his eyes. It was almost as though his whole demeanor changed in a split second. His face fell, he seemed to grow smaller somehow, he looked defeated and… _broken._

"Wh-why would you ask that? Did I say something in my sleep?" Mark kept his head down, and his voice had grown impossibly quiet. Collins had to strain to hear him.

"Yeah. Yeah, you did. You seemed pretty distressed, Mark. I think you remember more than you're letting on." _This approach sometimes works on Roger, I hope it works on Mark._

"Sorry, Collins. Was I really loud? I didn't wake you up, too did I?"

_Oh, great, now he's worrying about me. And did he ask if he woke me up"too". What does that mean._

Mark must have seen the questioning look in Collins eye, "Oh, I uh… sort of woke Mimi up the other night when she stayed over." He gave a weak chuckle and went back to fiddling with his shirt. "Apparently I'm secretly trying to keep all my friends from having a decent night's sleep."

Collins shook his head, the knowledge that this had happened the night before as well making him even more worried for Mark. "Mark, I'm fine. Mimi's fine. You can't keep worrying about everyone else! Stop diverting the topic from yourself. I need you to talk to me."

"I'm sorry." Mark's head drooped.

_Geeze. Now he looks like a child being scolded. Well… he did think I was his dad earlier. Wouldn't that be interesting… a black man fathering the whitest white boy on the planet._

"Don't do that. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to apologize."

Mark nodded, but kept his head down.

"Were you having a memory?"

"What?" Mark lifted his head to look at Collins.

"Your dream. Was it a memory of something that happened?"

Mark cleared his throat and ran a hand through his spiky, blonde hair. "Oh. I, uh…um. It…well, it was…"

_Spit it out, boy!_

Mark sighed and leaned back against the window. He squeezed his eyes shut and began rubbing his temples. Collins could swear the boy had grown even more pale than he already was. He waited to see if Mark would continue with his answer. After a few seconds he scooted closer to Mark and put a hand on his knee. Mark jumped slightly at the sudden contact.

"Sorry," Mark said quickly, embarrassed by his reaction to Collins' touch.

"Mark," Collins had a hint of a warning tone in his voice. _If he says "I'm sorry" one more time, I swear… _"Are you going to answer my question?" _I hope I'm not pushing too hard here._

"Wh-what was the question?" Mark went back to rubbing his temples again. Collins could swear his hands were shaking slightly.

"The dream, Mark. I'm just trying to find out what's gotten you so upset. You're really not making this whole communication thing very easy." He gave Mark's knee a small squeeze before removing his hand.

Mark leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. "God, Collins, I'm sor-," he cut himself off before he could finish the word. He took a deep breath and dropped his hands, but kept his head down as he started at the floor. "I can't seem to concentrate. Maybe… maybe some coffee would help? Or tea?"

He pushed off the windowsill and stretched. Collins sighed in defeat and stood up. "Yeah, ok. We'll talk over coffee."

"Thanks." Mark offered his friend a small smile and took a step toward the kitchen. He swayed for moment and had to brace himself on the wall.

"Jesus Mark!" Collins slipped an arm around Mark's waist to steady the boy, who once again looked impossibly white. _The kid almost glows. He looks almost ethereal._

Mark laughed, "Whoa. Stood up too fast. Thanks Col. I'm fine."

"If you say so."

"Where's that coffee?" He laughed again, pushing himself off the wall and trying once more to make is way into the kitchen. Collins kept his arm around his waist for a brief moment, just in case. _His waist is tiny. Almost like Angel's….my Angel…_The thought took Collins off guard. He let go of Mark and leaned against the wall for a moment, watching Mark walk slowly into the kitchen. _I can't believe she's gone. She's gone, and look at what's happening. It's like she held us all up, kept us going. Or maybe it was always this way and Roger would have left anyway. Ok Collins, you can't think like this. Mimi wouldn't have decided to go off to rehab if things hadn't changed. Angel is helping her get clean. This will all work out. _

"I think I'll have tea, would you rather have coffee or tea? Let's see, we have…English Breakfast tea, um…hold on. Ok. We have English Breakfast tea and English Breakfast tea. What's your poison? Collins?" Mark's voice slowly filtered into Collins consciousness.

"Oh, uh… tea's fine." Collins looked up to see Mark giving him his signature "concerned look". "Wait, no. Changed my mind. Coffee. I definitely need coffee." He pushed himself off the wall and sat down on the couch while Mark bustled about in the kitchen.

"Ok. One coffee, coming up. It's not gourmet or anything, so…."

Collins chuckled, "I know Mark. It's fine." _Always trying to be the consummate host. Even when I lived here he was like that. I wonder what he was like as a child. I bet his mom never let him climb trees._ "Hey Mark, you ever climb trees when you were a kid?"

"Climb trees? Where did that come from?" Mark inquired from somewhere under the counter.

"I'm just trying to picture you as a kid."

Mark's head popped up from under the counter, one eyebrow raised. "Um… ok." He disappeared again under the counter. Collins could here what sounded like pots and pans clattering around. _Do they have pots and pans? What is he doing down there._

"Was that an answer?"

"What? Oh. Sorry. Did I climb trees as a child…. Uh.. ooooph" a series of mumbles and bangs came from under the counter. "Ah-ha!" Mark shot up triumphantly holding a frying pan in the air like it just pulled the sword from the stone. "Oh, whoa… stood up too fast again." Mark laughed to himself while clutching the counter and closing his eyes.

"Geeze Mark. I don't know about you sometimes. Maybe you need a hearty steak more than you need tea. Did you eat anything since the three bites you took off your burger yesterday?"

"Man, you're inquisitive this morning. It's not normal to ask this many questions this early." Mark shook his head at his friend and started washing the pan he so proudly found.

"Normal for me. Is it normal to dodge that many questions so early in the morning?" Collins countered.

Mark smiled, "Normal for me."

_Maybe I should just give up, it looks like Mark is not in the mood to share. Has he always been this avoidant?_

Collins sighed and leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. "Boy, you're impossible."

_This couch isn't really that uncomfortable. I don't know why Roger is always complained about this thing. I wonder where that boy is anyway. Mark's probably going to grow another head if he doesn't call soon. If I know Mark, he's probably worrying himself sick not knowing if Roger's ok. If I know Mark…hmmm. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really know a lot of facts about that boy's life before New York. I still think I know him pretty well, but I don't know a lot about him. I guess he has always avoided questions about his life. How is it I never really noticed it was this exaggerated before? We always joke about him hiding behind that camera, but I think maybe he's more adept at hiding then most of us ever realized._

"Bon appetite!" Collins felt the couch shift, and he opened his eyes to see a plate of eggs and a piece of toast sitting on the coffee table in front of him, and a cup of steaming black coffee.

"Ooooh, you've been cooking. Am I the lucky house guest. Thanks Mark! Cheers." Collins winked at his blonde friend who was giving him one of the goofiest smiles he had ever seen.

The pair sat quietly while Mark sipped his tea and Collins ate his food.

"Ahhhh. That was excellent Mark. Just what I needed after a night of light drinking." Collins glanced down to make sure Mark had a plate of food too before resuming his previous position – head back, and eyes closed.

"Glad you liked it."

The companionable silence returned. Occasionally Collins could hear the scraping of a fork, or Mark sipping his tea. _Well, at lease he's eating something this morning. I'm going to take his silence toward my question to mean that he did not eat anything else yesterday after the tiny amount of food he ate at "The Life". I wonder if it's a conscious decision for him not to eat much, or if he's the kind of person who forgets to eat. Although, Mark doesn't generally forget much, so….hmmm. Maybe he just has a small appetite. I bet he was a finicky eater as a kid. I guess my mind is running a particular theme this morning. "Mark's Childhood"._

Collins felt the couch shift again, he opened one eye and saw Mark's back as he walked toward the kitchen again. "Done eating?" He asked, closing his eye.

"Yep."

_I hope that means he finished his food._

As if on cue, Collins could hear the sound of a fork scrapping on a plate and what sounded like food hitting the plastic of a garbage bag. He opened his eyes, but Mark was putting his plate in the sink. _I think I'll play detective later and check the trash can._

Mark sat back down on the couch with a sigh, and leaned back to mimic Collins relaxed position.

"So, Mark. Are you going to avoid every question I ask you today?"

This time Mark opened one eye, "I'm not avoiding. Just procrastinating," he said with a smirk.

"Ok, Mark. Time's up. You said we could talk over coffee. I've got my coffee. You've got your tea. Let's go." Collins sat up and tried to look as much "at attention" as possible, considering he was actually quite tired, and now he had a full stomach.

Mark groaned and leaned forward to put his head in his hands, his elbows propped up on his knees. "Why must you torment me so early in the morning! I fed you didn't I?" He mumbled some other things that Collins couldn't make out.

Collins chuckled and clapped his distraught companion on the back. "Come on, we've been up for over an hour. I'll start off easy. Let's go back to the tree climbing question." He crossed his arms and waited.

There was a pause, and then a mumbled, "No."

"Was that a no I never climbed trees when I was little' or a no, I am unwilling to answer that question'?"

Mark sighed and picked his head up, but stared straight ahead. "No, I never climbed trees when I was little. Except for that one time, but that's because Heidi McKecknie's dog was chasing me. I did climb trees as a teenager though, and adult. In fact there's a great climbing tree in Central Park that has given me some terrific shots." He shot a hopeful glance at Collins.

"Ha ha, ok Mark. See, that wasn't so bad." _Ok, I can see that. Kind of makes sense._ "Ok. Next one…um… did you eat all of your breakfast just now?"

Mark rolled his eyes, "What's this weird preoccupation with my eating habits all of a sudden? I ate most of it. I scraped a few bites into the trash. Is that ok?"

_Woah defensive. What's the deal with that?_

"Alright, alright, calm down." Collins held his hands up as a sign of surrender. He paused for a moment before his next question, and just watched Mark rub his eyes for a few seconds. "Next question." If Mark was looking he would have seen Collins' expression grow serious. "What was your dream about?"

Mark froze, his hands still covering his eyes. He sat like that for a moment before clearing his throat and standing up. He stood there with his eyes squeezed shut, his hand balancing himself on the back of the couch. "Heh, stood up too fast again." He said quietly. "I'm just going to get my glasses. I'm getting sick of everything being blurry. Be right back."

_And he avoids the question again. Man, how does he manage to do that every time?_

Collins waited for his friend to return. But it seemed to be taking Mark an awfully long time to retrieve his glasses. "Did you get lost?"

No answer.

"Mark?"

Finally Mark reappeared in his bedroom doorway, putting his glasses carefully into place. "Couldn't find 'em," came the mumbled reply. He paused there, leaning against the doorway, staring at his feet.

_I wonder if I'm ever going to get an answer out of him._

"You were right before." Mark's answer was almost inaudible, it was so quiet.

"Right about what, Mark?"

"The dream was a memory. Well, mostly a memory. It's changed some over the years… people get added, images altered." His eyes were still trained on the floor. Collins waited for him to continue at his own pace.

_Over the years… reoccurring dream?_

"You asked who Rachel is. She's my sister. Was my sister."

_Sister? I knew he had a sister named Cindy. I never knew about Rachel…. I'm so sorry Mark._

"As I'm sure you've guessed she, ah, sh-she died. She was younger than me by 2 years. She was 4… 4 and a half. I was almost 7. She was born with a heart defect, but the doctor's didn't really know when the complications would really kick in. They thought maybe in her teens, maybe later. We didn't see it coming. We weren't prepared. I'm not sure how prepared you can be for something like that exactly, but…..yeah."

Mark paused. He pushed himself off the doorframe and started pacing around the room, keeping his head down.

"She started getting sick maybe a month before she finally….went. We thought it was the flu. Didn't take her to the doctor right away. He was just a family practitioner, he had no idea. No one even began to think it was her heart. She didn't get better though, so then he thought maybe it was pneumonia or something….gave her antibiotics. At first that seemed to work. After a week though she started going downhill again, and this time nothing seemed to work. Still, somehow, no one guessed what it was."

Mark stopped pacing and perched on the windowsill, elbows resting on his knees. Collins was afraid to move, afraid the distraction would stop Mark from finishing his story. A story he was sure Mark hadn't told in a very long time. He shifted on the couch so he could see him though.

_My God, I had no idea. I wish he would look at me. I wish he would tell me to come and hold him. It looks like he's trembling. This must be killing him._

"It was raining. I remember that. It was early fall and just starting to cool down. That was my favorite time of year, and I used to love those fall rains. She did too. I was so excited that afternoon. I was coming home from school and it started to rain, I couldn't wait to get home and get Rachel so we could splash around where the water dripped off the roof. It would pour off the corner of the porch where the house formed a kind of L shape. We would dance around and pretend to be Gene Kelly in Singing in the rain'."

He paused again, and Collins could swear he could see a hint of a smile on Mark's face. But just as quickly as it came, it disappeared. His thin body shivered, and he wrapped his arms tightly around himself and leaning back against the window frame. He pulled his knees up to his chest and stared down at the street below. The morning light caught the glimmer of a tear slowly curving down Mark's cheek.

"That's when I found her. I went careening into her room, all excited about the rain. Sh-she was asleep. She slept a lot that last week." He let out a strange low chuckle, a sound Collins had never heard come from his friends mouth. "I was so irritated with her for being so tired all the time. So selfish. I just wanted her to spend time with me like she used to. I was such a jerk."

_That strangled chuckle again. God, I've never seen him like this._

Mark gave an angry swipe to the tears cascading down his cheeks and sniffed loudly. His whole body seemed to become quiet, small. Collins could barely hear him when he finally continued, "I-I tried to get her to wake up. She just….laid there. She wasn't moving. And she was so _cold_." He shivered as though the very memory chilled him to the bone. His shoulders rose and fell in uneven shudders, and he pulled himself into a tiny ball, burying his face into his knees.

Collins finally moved off the couch to comfort his friend. He didn't say anything, just knelt down and rubbed Mark's back, who had began to gently rock back and forth. The two men sat like this for what felt like an eternity. After a long time, Mark's shoulders stopped moving, and he stopped sniffling. He remained in his protective ball, rocking slightly, Collins' hand rubbing soft circles into his back. Both men lost in thought.

_I can't believe he's held onto that for so long. I can't believe I never knew he had another sister. He's never mentioned her to me. I wonder if he's told any of us? Poor Mark. If he's dreaming about it, that must mean it's on his mind. On his heart. He was the one to find her…he was the one to find April, too. What has that done to him? And now he had to watch another loved one slowly fade from his life. And I'm heading off to New Hampshire in another week and a half, just another person to walk out of his life. Of course, I'll be back… Roger will be back. I hope._

"Sorry, Collins. I bet you didn't know what you were getting yourself into when you asked what I was dreaming about, huh."

Collins looked up to see Mark had lifted his head from his knees and he was giving him a watery smile.

"I have to be honest and say, no." Collins smiled back, "Mark, I'm so sorry. How come you never told me?"

Mark furrowed his brow, "I'm not sure I can answer that question. I haven't fully worked that one out yet."

_Ok, that was honest. That wasn't avoidant._

"So, I think that was a long enough segment of 'Life Stories with Mark Cohen'. I'm not sure I'll have it in me for a sequel for another 6 months or so." Mark wiped his eyes one more time and stood up. "I don't have to work until 1:30 again today, so I think I have time to get some filming in. Looks like a nice day out there. Clear skies…" He nodded toward the window and brushed past Collins. "So, Col, what do you have planned for the day?"

_Wow. And just like that it's back to business as usual. Not that I want him to wallow in his painful memories, but….damn. That was fast._

"What do I have planned for the day?" He had to mull the question over for a minute. _I really hadn't thought about it I guess._ "I don't know. Maybe go visit Angel? I suppose I should tell the landlord that I'm leaving soon and maybe start packing up my stuff or something. I don't know. I guess we'll see. Will I see you before you leave for work, or are you just going to go from filming?"

"Oh, uh…I don't know. I think I'll shower first. When do you think you're going to see Angel? Would you like some company?" He had moved into the kitchen and was busying himself with the dishes.

"Oh, yeah. Actually, some company would be nice. We can go whenever. I'll shower after you and we can go then?"

"Sure. I can always film after or something. It's not that important."

"Alright then. I think I'll just sit here and close my eyes while you shower. If I fall asleep just throw something at me, ok?" Collins smirked at Mark.

"With pleasure," Mark smiled back, wiping his hands on a towel. "I'll just be 10 minutes or so."

Collins gave his friend a salute while flopping noisily onto the couch and getting himself comfortable. Mark shook his head and disappeared into the bathroom.

_I've only been up for 2 hours and already this has been quite a day. I've learned some pretty major things about my little buddy in this short time that I couldn't get out of him after 4 years of knowing him. Maybe that's Angel's work. Maybe she's using her magic in his life, too. Maybe she can help him heal after all these years of dealing with the pain of his sister's death by himself. Maybe she can help us all heal._


	8. I Knew This Would Happen

Once again, thank you to everyone who reviewed! Keep 'em comin'

I decided to put the dates and times from now on to keep track of how this is progressing, in case you care.

Next chapter will be Mark's POV, so stay tuned!

**Disclaimer: Just a bit of harmless fun, I have no illusions of ownership **

**_Collins' thoughts in italics _**

**Collins' POV**

**Saturday,November 3rd, 1990 around 10:30am**

_I didn't know he had it in him._

Collins was spread out on the bench in Central Park watching Mark climb a nearby tree.

"Mark, if you fall and kill yourself I'm gonna be pissed!" He hollered up at his blonde friend. Mark waved and smiled at Collins.

_Who knew he was such a little monkey. _

Collins smiled and shook his head. It was a perfect fall day in the city. The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze, the air was crisp, but comfortable. Collins sighed contentedly. Leaning back he closed his eyes and let his mind meander over the events of the past couple of days. It was only the third day after Angel's funeral, and already the world had changed so much, it seemed. A part of him still couldn't understand how his bright Angel could have been taken away from him, and why their family was falling apart. But there was another part of him, the part that held onto hope, that knew something good would come of it all. The part that believed now that Angel's battle with disease was over, she could be an even more powerful force among them.

_She's watching over us now. _He thought with a sad smile. _Somehow I think we'll all end up where we should be. I just wish I knew how._

"Hey, Collins! You should really get your lazy butt off that bench and come up here! It's amazing!" Mark called from his perch on a limb about midway up the tree.

"Uh, no thank you, monkey boy! I'll just watch your footage later." Collins chuckled.

Just look at him up there. I can't figure him out sometimes. Yesterday I find out he had a younger sister who died when he was 6, and right around this time of year, too. For some reason I feel like something had been working up to that moment of disclosure. Like something was urging me to pay more attention to him, to see that something was building. He's been on my mind a lot lately, and I've been watching him a lot more. Maybe this is part of the plan. Maybe these things needed to happen for me to really notice Mark, to know him more.

"Hey, Collins – you know from up here you look like a bum!" Mark laughed and trained the camera on Collins.

Collins flipped him off. Mark just laughed, secured his camera in his messenger bag, and started to climb higher in the tree.

_He's like an albino monkey. I have no idea where he's getting this energy. He's always been like that, though. When I lived with him before, he was often up later than everyone else, and he was always up first. He was always on the move, always had a goal. He never seemed to run out of steam._

Lately, though, Collins had begun to notice a change. Mark was a few years older now, but still young, so it didn't seem like it should be due to age. So much had happened recently that could wear a person down, it was highly possible that he was emotionally exhausted. Or maybe after endlessly running around and never stopping to rest, he was finally in need of some respite. A person could only go on like that for so long before it all caught up to them.

_Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention back then. Maybe he had these moments all along and I just never noticed. But I don't think that's it. I think something has really changed. Or maybe nothing has changed and that's the problem. This city can beat you down. He's been surrounded by the harshest and ugliest things the city has to offer for several years now. That could jade even the most guileless among us._

Collins watched Mark balance himself on another tree limb and take out his camera once more.

_Watching him up there, you'd think he was still that kid – full of energy and hope. But he isn't is he? Not anymore._

Collins smiled sadly, watching his friend. Mark had changed. He didn't know how quickly or gradually that change took place, but it did. Even when Collins' world had been almost entirely taken over by visits to the hospital when Angel got so sick he could no longer stay at home, he had noticed some differences in Mark. Sometimes when he smiled, it didn't totally reach his eyes. He wasn't around him enough to monitor his eating habits, but he could swear his little buddy was getting even smaller. He seemed worn out and weathered. He hadn't even been filming quite as much as he used to.

Yesterday had been a hard day for the both of them. The morning was both emotionally and physically draining. And later when they went to visit Angel's grave wasn't much better. There seemed to be a cloud over them that day. They were both dragging, going through the motions almost mechanically. You'd think that it would be Collins who would be the most effected by the visit to the cemetery, but Mark seemed to take it harder than Collins. He just stood off to the side while Collins talked quietly to his Angel. He appeared to completely withdraw and went into his own little world. Collins had offered to treat him to lunch, but Mark insisted he didn't have time before he had to be at work, and he went straight to Buzzline from the cemetery.

True to his word, Collins had done some snooping in the trashcan when he got back to the loft, and sure enough it looked like the whole plate full of Mark's breakfast had been thrown away. To make it even more concerning, he could have sworn he heard the tell tale sounds of someone throwing up while Mark was supposedly in the shower. His pale friend came out of the bathroom looking pasty and exhausted, but of course insisted that he was fine and that Collins was hearing things. Collins wasn't so sure.

Maureen and Joanne came over in the early evening and hung out for a while. They stayed, munching on chips, and drinking beer until around midnight before calling it a night and heading home. Joanne had to be at a meeting at 8:30 in the morning. The girls had really hoped to catch Mark when he got home from work, but it just got too late.

Mark didn't get back into the loft until past 1:00. Collins had fallen asleep on the couch, full of chips and beer, but woke up to the phone ringing just as Mark was coming through the door. It was Mimi. Collins tried to stay up to wait until Mark got off the phone so they could chat, but he waited an hour before giving up and going to bed. He got up again at 4:00 in the morning to use the bathroom, and Mark was still sitting on the floor by the phone, talking quietly to the poor girl. He had no idea what time they finally got off the phone.

_And then there are days like today, when Mark wakes up at 7:00 in the morning, only getting a couple hours sleep, and miraculously seems to have more energy then I've seen him have all week. I just don't get it. How do you go from having one of the most exhausting days of your life, no sleep, probably no food, to waking up refreshed with a hankering for tree climbing? He's a strange one. I guess that kid is still in there somewhere. I can only hope he can coax it out more often._

"Ow – wha?" Collins was jolted from his thoughts by a large stick bouncing off his chest. Mark was standing a few feet away looking impish. "Mark, you crazy monkey, what the hell?" Collins laughed.

"I can't believe you just laid on the bench the whole time. You missed a perfectly enjoyable tree climbing excursion." Mark smiled and plopped down on the bench, shoving Collins' legs off to make room for himself. "What were you thinking about?"

"Hmm?" Collins asked yawning and stretching.

"You looked like you were pretty deep in thought when I came over here. You didn't even notice I was standing there, hence the stick."

"Ah. Oh, you know, just thinking about life."

Mark looked thoughtfully at Collins, "You were thinking about Angel weren't you?"

Collins smiled, "Yeah, some. But I was also marveling at your tree climbing ability, and the fact that you must have gotten 2 and a half hours of sleep last night, tops, and you have a ridiculous amount of energy today."

"What can I say, I am a man of mystery."

"Oh, Lord." Collins rolled his eyes and nudged Mark with his shoulder. "Hey, Man of Mystery – how's Mimi doing?"

Mark sighed and shrugged. "Ok, I guess."

"Ok you guess? You were on the phone with her for… how long were you on the phone with her?"

"Um, let's see… she called around…1:15, so about 3 hours? I think. Yeah." Mark said, scratching his head.

"Ok, so you were on the phone with her for about 3 hours and all you got is 'Ok I guess'? Are we back to not answering questions today?" Collins crossed his arms and peered at his friend.

"Didn't I just tell you I'm a man of mystery?" Mark chuckled. "Anyway, that will all depend on the questions you decide to ask me." He gave Collins a crooked smile and nudged him back with his shoulder. He cleared his throat, "But, uh, no I was just stalling while I figured out the best way to answer that particular question."

Collins nodded and waited patiently while Mark gathered his thoughts.

"I think it's only the beginning for her, ya know? I mean, she was having a hard night. Nothing out of the ordinary for withdrawal, but I just know that it's going to get worse before it gets better, and with none of us around to help… I mean, she's ok, but… with Angel and Roger and everything… and now rehab. H-how much can someone take, you know? I'm just so worried that she won't make it through this, that she won't be successful. Not because I don't have faith in her ability to overcome this, but when you pile everything on like that…" Mark shook his head. "I know I'm not making any sense."

"It's ok, you're just trying to process it out loud. Don't worry, I'm following you."

Mark leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "She couldn't sleep, which I'm sure you guessed. The shakes and nausea have started… and the sweats. I could hear her voice faltering and her breath hitching over the phone." Mark paused and stared off with a far away look on his face.

_Oh no. I just had to bring up the subject of Mimi, didn't I. Now he's all pensive and spacey. Way to ruin the good mood the boy was in, Collins. Great job._

"Hey, where'd you go?" Collins gently shook Mark's knee.

Mark blinked a few times and mentally shook himself. He glanced up at Collins and gave him a small smile. "Sorry, just… just thinking."

"You're always thinking."

Mark smirked, "Says the philosopher."

Collins had to chuckle at that one. _Well, the lad's got me there_.

"She's still so strong though. I don't think I could do it. She was still laughing and cracking jokes. We had a really good conversation, despite… everything. For some reason she's actually worried about me, and I can't figure out for the life of me why. She's the one struggling to hold herself together in a strange place surrounded by people who only care because they're paid to." Mark's voice suddenly changed from gentle to bitter like the snap of a finger.

_And he's switched gears again. Sometimes he can be so cynical._

"I don't know about that Mark. Don't you think that people choose those professions for a reason? Don't you think they work there because they care and not the other way around?"

Mark pondered this for a moment. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I think I'm just having a hard time with her being there, and I'm here….is it possible to be jealous of the rehab workers?" He snorted and shook his head. "I must be insane. Would you believe I actually want to be the guy holding her hair back and taking her punches? I must be some kind of glutton for punishment."

Collins laughed, "Mark, man, you are insane. But we all love you for it. I'm sure Mimi knows that it's killing you to be sitting here while she's in there. That might have something to do with why she's worrying about you. I don't know why you'd think that it's so absurd to have someone else worrying about you for once. You think you're the only person with worry rights?"

"Uh, no I guess not. I guess I just wish she wouldn't add that to her list of things to be dealing with right now. And I wish I knew what set it off in the first place. I mean, I-I'm ok."

_Oh, Mark if you only saw what the rest of us are seeing._

"I think you need to turn those well honed observational skills onto yourself, buddy."

Mark lifted an eyebrow at Collins, "What do you mean?"

Collins threw an arm around Mark's shoulder. "You know what you were saying about Mimi having so much on her plate and wondering how she'll be able to shoulder all of that?"

Mark blinked, "Yeaaahhh," he said slowly.

Collins looked at Mark for a moment, waiting to see the light bulb turn on. It didn't. "Hello! Mark – take a look at your own plate."

"M-my plate?"

_Oh that poor boy, sometimes he can be so clueless._

"Oh come on. I'd really rather not paint that picture for you. At some point you might sit down and look at your life and realize that you have a lot going on right now, too."

Mark stared down at his feet and nodded. Collins gave his shoulder a squeeze.

"Mimi's lucky to have you as a friend you know that? I don't know many people who would stay up until past 4 in the morning talking on the phone. Especially when said person had a crappy day and hardly any sleep the night before. You guys have really made a connection, haven't you?"

Mark smiled, "Yeah we have. It's really nice, actually. Before we were friends, but it was more like we were friends because of the people that we mutually knew. And all of a sudden….we're friends on our own, you know?"

Collins nodded, "Yeah. Yeah that is nice. I think you need each other right now." _I think we all need each other right now_.

Mark sighed and leaned back on the bench, stretching his legs out. "Yeah, I guess we do."

"I know you know this, but part of being friends is caring about each other, and sometimes that means worrying about each other. Yet another reason why it shouldn't be that big of a mystery that Mimi is worried about you. And you know, she isn't the only one who's thinking about you lately. Maureen and Joanne were over while you at work - they say 'hi' by the way – and they love you too and hope that you're doing alright."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry I missed them. I should call at some point…say hi." Mark let out a long, slow breath and looked down at his hands. "I told you that I sort of accidentally woke Mimi up the other night, didn't I?"

"Yep, you did. Was it the same dream as yesterday morning?"

"Uh…well, not exactly. It usually starts off the same. You know, with… w-with Rachel. I told you it's changed over the years…I-I mean, there's more now. Sometimes it moves from Rachel to April. And sometimes… An-Angel." Mark couldn't look Collins in the eye. All of a sudden his fingers were intensely interesting.

Collins shot Mark a sidelong glance, but remained quiet.

"Mimi mentioned it. I guess that kind of worried her some. She said she wondered if I was dreaming about Angel." Mark paused here for a moment.

"Did you tell her about Rachel?" Collins asked gently.

"Uh, n-no not exactly. She was so upset, and she sounded so…uncomfortable, you know with, w-with withdrawal. I just didn't want to… you know, make it worse."

Collins nodded. "Are you ever gonna tell her? Does Roger even know?" _You can't keep this all in, Mark._

"I guess I probably should tell her. Tell…people. As far as I know no one else knows about it, to tell you the truth. Of course, I've lived with Roger for so long now, I suppose he may have heard me talking in my sleep at some point, but….who knows." He sat looking thoughtful for a minute.

"What? I can tell you're thinking about something."

Mark glanced at Collins. "Oh, no, it's nothing. I was just thinking that the last time I remember having these dreams with any sort of regularity was after April, and I'm pretty sure Roger was too out of it to have noticed anything. And this last 'round' he's been rather preoccupied, too, so….maybe he hasn't really heard anything."

Collins looked at his friend with concern etched on his face, "How long have you been having them this time around?"

Mark thought about it for a moment. "Um….I guess since about…early September maybe?"

_About the time Angel started to get sick. I wonder if that triggered it. Poor Mark. One more person he's had to watch deteriorate before his eyes. And Angel most likely wasn't the last. I wonder what that must be like… living with the knowledge everyday that you're going to watch most of your closest friends die._

"It's not every night…I don't think. It-it's alright. They're just dreams. That's nothing compared to what Mimi is going through…or what you must be going through." Mark gave a short laugh and waved his hand in the air. "We keep talking about me – how have you been doing, Collins?"

_Oohh, that was smooth, Cohen. Well, I suppose I need to answer that question._

"Well, good question. I think I'm doing pretty well, actually. I know that I was giving a really impressive show of my amazing drink-away-your-sorrows coping technique the past 3 nights, but….I don't know Maybe it's too soon to tell, or maybe it's just a good day, but I really feel at peace about this. I miss her like hell. But, I think it's going to be ok. I'm so grateful to have known her. I'm sorry we didn't meet sooner, but the timing wasn't my decision to make. I'm just so thankful to have loved her, but more importantly, that she loved me in return. I wouldn't trade away how much it hurts to have lost her for anything if it meant trading away all that she gave me. I'll never forget her."

_Wow. I hadn't even realized until this moment that I could give a complete and honest answer to that question. The mind is an amazing thing. You know, I really do feel at peace. I think that trip to the cemetery yesterday really helped me. Too bad it didn't seem to do the same for Mark._

Without warning Mark threw his arms around his friend and gave him a very strong and all encompassing embrace. Collins was taken aback for a brief moment before relaxing into Mark's arms and hugging him back. The two sat like that for a minute before slowly letting each other go.

"You blow my mind, you know that?" Mark was the first to speak.

"S'not surprising," Collins gave his best cocky grin.

Mark shook his head and laughed. "No, it really isn't. I've always thought of you as a big brother. Someone to look up to, admire, learn from. You handle everything that comes your way with such….grace. You have a wisdom about you that…well, it amazes me." By the time Mark was finished with his little speech he was blushing like mad and couldn't look Collins in the eye.

"Wow, Mark." Collins just looked at the blushing boy for a moment, marveling at his confession. Slowly a smirk spread across his face. "You do realize that you just piled a ton of pressure on me, don't you. I now have to try to actually live up to that hype. I don't know if I can do it. Thanks a lot!"

Mark blushed even more and gave Collins a sheepish smile. "Umm…sorry?"

Collins lightly punched him in the arm, "I'm just kidding, man. You know Roger once gave me a very similar speech. Although he may have been high at the time, and his choice of words was, shall we say….lacking?"

Mark smiled, "Why does that not surprise me. I can picture him doing that actually." Mark slacked his shoulders and slurred, "Collins, man. You're like a brother to me. I wish I could be like you. You're so smart n' shit. I love you, man." He finished his 'impression' by swaying and collapsing into Collins lap on the bench.

Collins laughed and shoved Mark off onto the ground, who landed with a "ooph" and a thud.

Mark rolled over onto his back and squinted his eyes in the sun at Collins, hovering above him. He gave Collins a wide, goofy grin, and propped himself up on his elbows.

_Now, that's nice to see. A real, genuine smile. There's one that reached the eyes._

Collins laughed one of his infectious laughs that rumbles up from the pit of his stomach and bursts out of his throat in a loud guffaw. He extended a hand to Mark and hauled him up. He misjudged the strength he would need to pull Mark up and the lad practically flew up from the ground, barreling into Collins in the process. They both stumbled back onto the bench. They both paused, slightly stunned, before catching each other's eye and breaking out into laughter.

"Damn boy, did you leap up like that on purpose?" Collins asked wiping his eyes as the laughter died down.

_That took no effort at all, he must have been helping at least a little._

"No! You just don't know your own strength." Mark giggled a little more. "Aw, shit. Laughter is tiring." He let out a sigh and slouched down on the bench beside Collins. He titled his head and rested it on the larger man's shoulder.

"Awww, my Marky." Collins cooed, letting his head lean lightly onto Mark's.

The pair sat together contentedly, letting the gently breeze float over them, and the crisp fall air clean their lungs.

_This is way too comfortable. I might fall asleep if I don't start moving. It felt nice to have a good laugh. Lord knows we need as many of those moments as we can collect._

"Mark, I'm going to fall asleep if I don't get up. What time is it? It's gotta be, what…11:30ish? Wanna grab a slightly early lunch? My treat, since you didn't let me buy you lunch yesterday." Collins stood up and started stretching.

"Oh, uh, well…I was going to-"

"Oh no you don't. You're coming with me, and I am going to feed you, you scrawny albino monkey." Collins grabbed Mark's arms and pulled him up off the bench. He linked arms with the boy and started walking off, practically dragging Mark behind him.

_I swear, I am going to watch him eat one decent meal. I don't care what he comes up with this time for an excuse._

"Collins…" Mark sighed as he lagged behind.

"I don't want to hear it. You're letting me buy you lunch." _And you're eating it._

"I don't know. I don't want you spending your money on me, and I was going to go into work early today and get a heads start on this project Alexi has me working on. I'd rather go in earlier and get out earlier so I'm not there until 1:00 in the morning again. Can we do this some other time?"

_Oh hell no._

"Nope. My offer is very specific, and it's for a limited time only. Don't make me bitch slap you and throw you over my shoulder. You know I could do it."

Mark laughed, "What's with the violent threats? I thought you were a man of peace."

Collins didn't stop walking, but glanced back at his friend who was still dragging behind him. "Oh shut up, you know you like it rough."

"Oh, God. Why! Why me!" Mark threw his head back and yelled dramatically into the air. Collins tugged at his arm a little more forcefully to bring Mark up so they were walking side by side.

"Whatever, Maureen. You're coming with me and that's final."

Mark laughed. "You just called me Maureen. I have no reaction to that. That's just…Maureen?"

Collins just laughedthrough his nose and kept walking.

"Collins, I appreciate the offer, but I told Alexi that I would come in early today. She'll be expecting me, well, any minute come to think of it. I really can't do lunch with you today. I'm sorry. What are the girls doing? Or Benny? Maybe they could meet you at the Life or somewhere?"

_You have got to be kidding me. He is actually going to get out of this. Damn it._

"Ok, Mark. This is what's going to happen. I'm walking you to Buzzline, and on the way I am going to buy you a sandwich or something – which you will stop at some point during your workday and eat. Do you hear me?" Collins poked Mark in the side, who wiggled away and let out a really amusing "eep!"

"Alright, fine. If you insist. You are obsessed, Collins. It's not healthy." He joked.

"Yeah, yeah. You want to talk unhealthy? Well then, let's talk about you not sleeping, working 11-12 hours days, and I never see you eat. We're going to have to buy you a whole new wardrobe pretty soon since all your clothes are about to fall right off."

Mark rolled his eyes playfully.

"Hmm… actually. We should just buy you a whole new wardrobe anyway, just for the hell of it. I mean, I'm not a terribly vain man, but.." Collins pulled at Mark's jacket and pant legs. "I mean…shit, man. When was the last time you bought new clothes? When Mimi gets back we should let her doll you up. Have her way with you." He chuckled to himself at the thought of Mimi giving Mark a makeover.

"You are evil." Mark smiled and swatted Collins hands off his jacket. "You would really hand me over to Mimi? Queen of fishnets and mini skirts? Good God… she would probably want to dress me in drag." He gave an exaggerated shudder at the thought.

Collins kept laughing._ Oh, man, that would be priceless._

"Maybe I will stop by Joanne's after you go to work. See what our beloved drama queen is up to. Oh, you know what I should do today?"

"Tell your landlord you're moving?"

"Yep, you guessed it. I wonder what Angel's lease looked like. It's pretty sad, but it never occurred to me to look into that. I should start packing some stuff up, too. I mean, I have a week left, but I suppose it wouldn't be all that brilliant to wait until the last possible second." Collins lit a cigarette as they plodded along toward Buzzline.

"Yeah, procrastination….You of course know that you can keep anything you're not taking with you to New Hampshire in the loft. There's plenty of room."

_The kid's a mind reader._

"Cool, thanks. I was actually going to ask you that, but you beat me to it."

"Oh, and one of these mornings when most of your stuff is packed, I could go over there with you and help clean. Maybe you could actually get the deposit back this time, if we're both working on it."

_Hm… I could really use that extra money actually._

"Yeah, I might have to take you up on that offer. Thanks, buddy."

The two walked along, chatting and laughing. They took a mini detour into a deli so Collins could buy Mark his lunch, as he promised. They parted ways once they reached Buzzline.

_He better eat that damned sandwich. Collins thought, as he made his way to Joanne's apartment. Well, I guess I'll try to amuse myself while he's gone. I swear, if he doesn't start taking better care of himself I'm going to find him passed out on the floor one of these days. For someone so good at taking care of other people, it's a wonder he hasn't learned how to take care of himself. So far today's been a pretty good day. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing. Everyone gets tired and worn out at some point. It's been a rough time for all of us, but with more days like today has been, I think we'll pull through._

**Saturday, November 3rd, 1990 7:00pm**

Collins slid the door of the loft open, balancing a paper bag of groceries on his knee in the process. Stuffing the keys in his mouth, he shoved the door closed behind him.

"Hi honey, I'm home!" He called into the loft, with his mouth still full of keys._ Oh, yeah, it's only 7:00. Mark's probably not home yet._

He put the groceries on the counter and shrugged out of his coat. On second thought….his coat is here. His eyes gave a quick scan around the room. And there's his messenger bag by the phone. Huh, got out of work early. I guess his mighty plan worked after all. Good for him.

"Hey, Mark you in here?" He called again, moving to put the few articles of food away that he purchased. _Shit, I hope he's not sleeping and I'm waking him up with my hollering._

"Yeah, I'm here. I'll be out in a sec."

_Oh, answers that question. The bathroom door is shut, I didn't catch that before. Shows how observant I am._

"Ok. I got some groceries." For some reason Collins felt like he needed to fill up the loft with noise of some kind, so he decided to continue the conversation even through walls and doors. He opened the refrigerator to put away the bread and eggs. _What the hell?Is that… _"Mark! Why does it look like 3 quarters of the sandwich I bought you is now sitting in the frig?" _What the hell is wrong with that boy? I give him one simple task…_

"Sorry, I didn't have a whole lot of time to -" The sentence was cut off by what sounded suspiciously like Mark gagging.

_Oh dear Lord, is Mark in there throwing up? Jesus._

"Mark? Buddy, you ok?" Collins walked over and put his ear against the bathroom door. He heard a few spitting and panting noises coming from the other side of the door. "Hey, Mark – are you getting sick in there?"

"N-no, just, uh, had a sneezing fit. I'll be out in a sec." Mark's voice sounded strained and weak.

_Sneezing fit? Give me a break, Mark. You can lie better than that, can't you?_

Collins took a deep breath and silently asked for Mark's forgiveness for barging in on him in the bathroom before he quickly turned the knob and opened the door enough to stick his head in.

_Oh, Mark. No wonder you're home early. Why didn't he just tell me._

"Collins, what are you - I said I'd be right out!" Mark started to get up when he heard the door open, but he sort of wobbled and knelt back in his spot in front of the toilet bowl.

"Damn, boy. You are sick. You're a shitty liar you know that?" Collins pushed the rest of the way into the bathroom and knelt down beside Mark and began rubbing circles on his back. "So there goes that sandwich…I'm so sorry, man."

"S'ok. Not your fault." He barely managed to finish his sentence before another round of dry heaving took over.

_Oh, poor Mark. I knew he was going to run himself ragged. Shit. I bet you anything he was throwing up yesterday morning, too._

Mark shifted on the bathroom floor so that his back was against the side of the tub. He brought his legs up, folded his arms across his knees, and rested his head on his arms.

"I don't think there's anything left in my stomach to get rid of." He moaned with his face hidden in his arms.

_Like there was much in there anyway._

Collins sighed and sat down next to his friend. "Mark, I knew you were going to get sick if you kept going the way you have been. How long have you been feeling bad? What time did you get home?"

"I don't even know. I lost track of time, I just know that Alexi sent me home because apparently I looked like death. She even got someone to give me a ride, can you believe it? I guess she's not the devil after all." He gave a weak laugh, but finished it with a moan. "This sucks."

"I know, buddy. I'm sorry. Can I get you anything? Water? Drugs?"

Mark picked his head up, it looked like it took great effort to open his eyes. "I-I don't know. I can't think. My head is killing me. M-Maybe I should just go to bed. Sleep it off."

Collins nodded, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Here, let me help you up."

The boys slowly and clumsily rose to their feet. Mark groaned and held his head.

"Hold on, give me a minute." Mark's face had taken on an almost gray color and there were small beads of sweat on his forehead. "I just need to stand here for a second." Suddenly his eyes flew open and he jerked away from Collins. "I don't want to get you sick. I'm just going to go to bed, you shouldn't be touching me. I can get myself there, don't worry about it." He threw a glance Collins, but his eyes were threatening to close.

Collins moved closer to Mark. He wrapped his arm around his waist and held onto Mark's arm at the elbow with the other. "Uh, no. I am helping you to your room. You look like you can barely stand there on your own let alone walk. Come on, buddy. You ready?"_ Alexi was right, the boy does look like death. I saw this coming, but it seems awfully fast. He was fine this morning._

"Yeah, but I'm alright. J-just let me do it on my own. You're going to need to spray yourself down with Lysol." Mark tried to laugh at his little joke, but the effort took more strength than he had. His face got even more pale, his whole body swayed, and his knees started to buckle.

_Shit, Mark!_

Collins tightened his grip on the poor boy to keep him from falling. "OooK. I got ya. Easy does it." _Great now I sound like I'm talking to a child. Sorry Mark._

"S-sorry, Col. I-it's alright. Just….give me a minute." Mark words were sounding a little slurred and his eyes kept fluttering closed.

_Man, when this kid gets sick, he really gets sick. Poor Mark. You know what, this would be a lot easier if I just…_

Collins scooped Mark up and carried him into his bedroom. He was expecting to hear protests from Mark, but all he got was a soft moan in response to his man handling. Collins glanced down at the boy in his arms. Mark's eyebrows were furrowed, and his eyes were closed. He could see them moving around beneath his lids, as though he were in REM sleep. Mark's lips were slightly parted and his breathing had become rather shaky, thanks to the shivers that seemed to have taken over his small body. Collins laid him down gently in this bed and draped as many blankets as he could find over him.

_Looks like my boy has caught himself quite the nasty flu bug. He's not going to be heading off to work tomorrow, that's for damn sure. Let's hope this is just one of those 24 hour bugs._

Collins turned off the light and gently pulled the door closed. He washed his hands, just in case. Sighing, he finished putting the groceries away. Just as he was done the phone rang.

_Shit, that's gonna wake Mark up. Damn it._

Collins sprinted to the phone and snatched it from it's cradle just as the second ring started to sound.

"Hello?" He tried to speak as quietly as he could without whispering.

"Collins? Is that you?"

"Roger? Hey – yeah, it's me. How are you? Where are you?"

_Well, this will be one less thing for our little sick-o in there to worry about._

"Hey, Collins. I'm fine. I'm here. Santa Fe, man. Pretty crazy. Sold the car first thing, got another guitar." Collins could hear Roger laughing lightly through his nose.

"Alright, cool. I'm so glad you called. You got a place to stay yet?" Collins made himself comfortable on the floor, resting his back against the wall.

"Yeah, I guess. It's kind of a shit hole, but….it'll do. I mean, I lived in the loft, so I guess I can live anywhere, right?"

"That bad, huh? No moving up in the world?"

Roger chuckled, "Naa, it's not that bad. At least it's warm. I don't have to worry about having to light my socks on fire just to feel my damn feet. How's everything there?"

_Everyone you mean._

"Oh, everything is….everything. It's getting chilly, but we had some really nice weather today. Mark and I spent some time in the park earlier, so that was cool."

There was a pause in the conversation.

"Collins, why are you talking about the weather? You never do the – let's talk about the weather – small talk bullshit. What's up? Anything going on?"

_Leave it to Roger to cut through the bullshit, right to the chase._

Collins laughed and tipped his head back to rest on the wall. "Ok, ok. I'll can it with the weather talk. Well, let's see. There's actually some stuff going on, even though it's only been… what… 3 days since I've seen you?"

"Yeah. November 3rd, already. Crazy."

"Yeah…well, anyway. Here's the scoop, bro. So, the day after the funeral Benny dropped Mimi off at a rehab facility."

"No shit… rehab. She's really going for it. Good for her." Roger sounded like he was talking more to himself than Collins.

"Yeah, pretty mad stuff. I guess she made the decision right after you left and talked to Benny about it…so…yeah. Mark kept her company that night and she had lunch with all of us the next morning, and then off she went! Some place called Safe Harbor, or something like that? I guess she's doing alright. Mark talked to her for about 3 hours last night, or I guess this morning. She can't have any visitors yet, but I think she'll be making good use of the phone in the meantime. She seems to have found something of a confidant in our Marky." Collins shifted around slightly, trying to make himself comfortable on the lovely floor of the loft.

"Oh, that's good…I guess. I'm glad she's trying to get clean. That…that's good. And it's good she's talking to Mark, he'll know what to say. He always does." Collins could hear Roger trying desperately to convince himself that he was ok with all of this.

"Yeah, he does. They've become fast friends those two. It's cute. He even danced with her as a little 'rehab send off'. It was brilliant. Right in the middle of the Life. You would have died."

"Danced? Mark danced?" Roger burst out laughing, "Mark danced! Damn, I would have loved to see that. No chance anyone got that on tape?"

"No, man, sorry. I didn't even think of it. Shit. It was funny though. He wasn't half bad either. Who knew?"

The old friends laughed together for a few seconds.

"Actually, I've learned quite a lot about our little blondie these past few days. It's been…interesting. To say the least." Collins scratched his head and wondered just how much he should share with Roger, and how much he should let Mark tell himself.

"Oh, yeah? Like what? Besides his hidden dancing talents. That boy's been holding out on us. I'm going to have to kick his ass when I get back."

_Yeah, when you get back. Whenever the hell that will be._

"Well, he climbed a tree in Central Park this morning. He got pretty high up there too, did some treetop filming." Collins chuckled quietly at the imagine of Mark up in that tree. "But other than that, well…there's something else, but I think he'll have to do some filling in of some blanks for you when he…feels up to it. He's actually sick at the moment. 'Devil Woman' actually sent him home early from work today. Mark said she was sick of seeing him looking like death or something. She's probably more concerned with how it makes the company look rather than his wellbeing." Collins rolled his eyes at the thought of Alexi Darling. He couldn't stand that woman. "But she did get someone to drive him home since he would have had to walk today, so that's something."

"Wow. That is something. Alexi sending Mark home early…huh. That sucks that he's sick. What is it, the flu? I thought he might have been coming down with something the way he's been looking lately."

"Yeah, I guess it's the flu. I came home to him puking in the bathroom not long before you called. Not that he had anything in his stomach anyway. I haven't seen that boy eat more than 3 bites of his food in 4 days. But I guess if he's been coming down with something, that might have taken his appetite away. I knew he was going to get sick the way he's been going. Working constantly, no sleep…" _Having nightmares every night._

"Be prepared for a fight tomorrow when he gets up, still green, expecting to go to work."

"Oh, I'll take him down, don't you worry. He weighs practically nothing anyway. I carried him to his bed just before you called. It was like carrying a kitten."

Roger laughed, "Yeah, he is a light weigh. Wait – he let you carry him? I can't see that."

"Well, he kept insisting on walking to bed on his own, but you should have seen him Roger. It was pathetic. The poor thing was so exhausted and weak he could barely stand. I just scooped him up and he was already asleep I think! Never seen anything like it. If it wasn't so concerning, it would have been funny." _Well, maybe it was a little funny_.

"Holy shit, wow. He's going to be so embarrassed. So I take it he's still sleeping, then. I was hoping to talk with him."

Collins glanced up at Mark's closed door, as though he could see through it to make sure Mark was still sleeping. "He better be sleeping in there."

"Could you pass on a message for me then? Actually, I need to get off the phone anyway. I'm on this calling card thing and I want to conserve the minutes so I can call more than just this once, ya know? But, could you just tell him…. I'm sorry. He'll know why." Roger cleared his throat, and coughed lightly in a "I'm really uncomfortable with what I just said" sort of way.

_Oh, great, Roger. I can only imagine what the hell you could have done or said to make you actually apologize. But it doesn't sound like he wants to tell me so…_

"Yeah, I'll tell him. Before you go, though - Mark mentioned wanting your address. He picked up some AZT for you because apparently he keeps track of when you should be running out. He was freaking out about it the other night." Collins chuckled and shook his head.

"Oh, cool. Yeah, I hadn't even thought of where I was going to get more. Damn. I'm going to have to look into that. But yeah, hang on, let me find it." Roger rummaged around for a few seconds while Collins found a scrap of paper to jot down his address and phone number on once Roger found the information.

"Alright, that'll be one less thing for Mark to obsess over. Now he can focus all his anxious attention onto not being the one helping Mimi through withdrawal. You'd think he had his fill with you, but apparently he's a glutton for punishment. He told me earlier he was jealous of the rehab workers." Collins reached up and placed the piece of paper on the small table the phone was on so Mark would see it.

"I guess I wasn't that bad if he is itching to do it all over again. Geeze, what's wrong with him. Gotta love him though." Collins could hear a smile on Roger's voice. "I should go. I'll check back in later. Call whenever, ok? I hope Mark feels better. I'll let you know if there are any restaurants for sale and you can all truck it across country and join me in the sunny goodness."

Collins smiled and nodded, "Yeah, you do that. Don't burn out there, Casper. I'm glad you called. It's good to know you made it there safe. Don't stay out west too long, we'll start to forget what you look like and then you'll give us all heart attacks when you show your ugly mug back here." Collins laughed at his own joke.

"Hardy har, Thomas. Take care of yourself…and Mark. Strap him to the bed if you need to."

"Ohh..kinky, Roger. You do that to him a lot I take it?" _I'm such a pig._

"Oh you're just full of it, aren't you. Shut the hell up and go make our boy some chicken noodle soup or something." Roger laughed.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Talk to you later, brotha. Love you."

"Love you too, man. Bye."

"Bye."

Collins hung up the phone, stood up and stretched. _Well, I'm glad he called. That'll cheer Mark up._ He walked quietly over to Mark's bedroom door and pushed it open just enough to see inside. Mark was still in bed, sleeping soundly._ That-a-boy. Now if he could just stay like that for the next…ohhh, 12 hours. Then he'd be making some progress. At least it looks like the shivers have gone down some._

Collins closed the door gently and wandered out onto the balcony and lit up a cigarette.

_I wonder what Roger's looking at right now. You know, I can't fully blame him for heading out there. Whatever view he has must beat this. Maybe I should have hitched a ride, and then I could be sitting in the warm sun right now, drinking a martini. Ahhh, that would be the life. Maybe he's the one with the right idea. Collins smiled and shook his head. Naaa, I need to be here. We all need each other while we still have each other. And Roger's out there dealing with this shit all alone. Damn, I never thought of it that way before. Did it to himself, but still… poor bastard. He sounded alright though. He'll be alright._


	9. You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own RENT. Stupid possession…. 9/10th of the law…grrr**

**_Mark's thoughts in italics _**

**Mark's POV**

**Monday, November 5, 1990 7:00am**

"Come on, coffee. Brew, damn it." Mark mutter, flicking the coffee maker with one hand, his head resting in the other as he leaned on the counter. _Waiting is a bitch._

Mark sighed and dropped his head onto the counter, a little harder than he had anticipated.

"Oofph. That was brilliant." He mumbled to himself. _Great, now I've angered it and will be punished with another freakin' headache. Marvelous. _He picked his head up and rubbed his temples gingerly, closing his eyes against the beginning throbs.

"Bad headache?"

_GAH!_

Mark flinched and jerked back slightly at the sound of Collins deep voice, who apparently had walked into the kitchen at some point without Mark realizing. Mark blew out the breath that had caught in his throat and brought a hand to rest over his heart.

"Holy shit. I didn't hear you coming. I didn't know you had a stealth mode." _Woah, talk about a heart attack first thing in the morning._

"Sorry, man. Didn't think I was being that sneaky." Collins rubbed the top of his head and leaned heavily on the counter, closing his eyes. "Damn. What time is it?"

Mark resumed his position with his head in his hands, elbows resting on the counter. "7:00. What has you up bright and early? You were out pretty late last night. I would have thought you'd be sleeping in until 10:00 at least."

Collins groaned. "Yeah me too, but apparently my body had other plans. I have no idea why I'm up. Just woke up. Smelled coffee, thought that seemed like a good idea." Collins opened one eye to glance at Mark, who was still rubbing his temples, eyes closed. "What's your excuse? You still need your sleep, sick boy. Besides, you were still up when I went to bed. Another Mimi phone therapy session?"

Mark nodded before turning back to the coffee pot, flicking it a few more times. "Same as you I guess. Just woke up." _Brew, brew, brew._

"Another dream?" This time Collins looked at Mark with both eyes open, and made an attempt to stand up a little straighter.

_Of course._

Mark kept his eyes trained on the coffee, "Maybe. Not sure. Doesn't matter. M'up now either way." _Come on, brew damn it. This headache isn't going to go away on it's own. Why the hell did I decide to thump my head down on the damn counter? I am going into work today one way or the other, and I'd far prefer to work headache-free._

Collins touched Mark's arm lightly, "Hey, you ok?"

_Fine, if you consider being exhausted beyond belief and coming off a day spent entirely in bed or throwing my guts up in the bathroom "fine"._

Mark blinked a few times and turned his head to look at his friend, waiting patiently for an answer. "Oh, yeah. Tired." He gestured toward the coffee maker. "Need caffeine."

Collins nodded, "Hell yes."

The two just stood there, sleepily leaning against the counter for a few minutes, too tired to keep a conversation going.

_I just want one night without interruption. One morning that I don't wake up to with those memories etched into my mind. I just want one day without a headache._

Finally the coffee maker gurgled and the last few drops trickled out into the pot.

"Ah, yes!" Collins hissed, pushing himself off the counter to get a mug from the cabinet. He held one up and gave Mark a questioning glance. Mark picked up his mug from the counter in response. Collins nodded and closed the cabinet and waited for Mark to finish pouring his cup.

_Ok, do you're thing, coffee. _Mark closed his eyes and took a small sip of the steaming liquid. _Oh, gah. Man that's bitter. This better do something miraculous or this is seriously not worth it._

Collins eyed Mark, looking highly amused. "Why do you drink it if you hate it that much."

Mark paused and stared at his mug for a moment, as thought it would give him the answer. "It's magic." He said slowly. "Magic never tastes good." He looked back at Collins with a serious expression on his pale face. Mark blinked and walked past him to the couch.

Collins stared after him, watching him slouch down and throw his feet up on the coffee table. "You are a bizarre little man." He scuffed his way over to the couch and flopped down next to Mark.

Mark smiled into his coffee cup. "You say that like you're just now discovering that."

Collins shrugged and put his feet up onto the coffee table, mirroring Mark. "So, how're you feeling this morning? Did you sleep ok?"

_Well, I suppose I'm not feeling that bad physically in comparison to how I was feeling. I'm not nauseous. I haven't thrown up…_

"Ummm…I'm feeling better. I uh, I talked with Alexi yesterday. She has an assignment for me this morning. I'm supposed to be there at 9:00." _Well, she did say only if I felt up to it, but I don't want Collins thinking that it is in any way open ended._

Collins was about to take another sip of his coffee but stopped when Mark announced his plan to go into work. "Are you sure that's a good idea? Don't you think you could use another day to rest?"

_I could use 3 months of rest, but I can't do that._

"I took yesterday off, and I went home early the day before. I'm rested." Mark didn't dare to look Collins in the eye. Collins had this way of stripping your soul bare with a long enough stare into a person's eyes.

"Mark."

"Collins."

Pause

"Never mind, it's your decision. I just don't want you to over do it and relapse, that's all. But I'm glad you're feeling better." Collins gave Mark's knee a pat and finally took that sip of coffee.

Mark tried to give him a reassuring smile, "I'm fine, Collins. I wouldn't be going in if I wasn't feeling up to it." _Ok, so that's not entirely true. But, I've been up for an hour and so far so good._

"Somehow I don't quite believe you, but….I'll let it go. At least you have some color today. And that bruise on your head is fading fast. Man, kiddo - you've had a hard time of it this week."

Mark shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. Could have been worse, though, right?"

"I suppose."

The boys sat sipping their coffee quietly. Mark leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

_Ok, headache you can leave anytime now. I guess I am feeling a lot better than yesterday, so that's good. That was a bitch. I don't think I've thrown up that many times in one day in my life. But I guess it was just a 24-hour stomach flu thing. Collins is right. It has been quite the week. We buried one friend, another left for drug rehab, and another left to drive out west. I only have a handful of days left with Collins, who I shared one of my best-kept secrets with. And top it all off, I get sick. What the hell else can happen?_

"Hey – I feel like pancakes. You feel like pancakes?" Collins voice shook Mark from his thoughts.

"Sorry, what?" Mark cleared his throat and picked his feet up off the coffee table and put them on the floor so he could sit up properly.

"Pancakes. I'm thinkin' about making some. You in?" Collins stood up and stretched.

_Pancakes? That does sound good, but I don't know how my stomach is going to react. Should I chance it?_

"Ummm…I, uh, I guess I'll try some. I haven't had pancakes in forever." _I hope I can keep them down._

Collins ruffled Mark's hair and smiled down at him, "Cool. I'll go make some."

Mark smiled back and leaned back against the couch again. _What else was I going to do today? Oh, yeah, I was going to go mail Roger his AZT now that Collins got the address. I should call him later, apologize to him too. I'm still a little mystified that he apologized to me. Roger never apologizes. Well… very seldom I should say._

_The thing is, he was right on so many levels. I do hide in my work. But I think 'my work' can be defined a little more broadly than Roger defines it. I hide in my day to day activities. I hide in mundane tasks. I hide in constant motion. Although these days, constant motion is a little harder to maintain, and those tasks are a little harder to complete. I'm just so tired. And this coffee needs to kick in._

"I am brilliant. I got us Bisquick, and syrup…oohhh yeah." Collins glanced over at Mark who looked deep in thought on the couch while he mixed the pancake batter together in a bowl. "Hey, Mark. What are you thinking about over there?"

Mark blinked and looked over at Collins.

_Oh, you know, just thinking about how much I suck at living._

"Oh, uh, just planning out my day in my head. I need to stop at the post office and mail Roger his AZT. I should probably do that on the way to work actually, in case I work too late and it's closed." _Smile at the man, Mark. Don't look as glum as you feel._

At that thought, Charlie Chaplin's song "Smile" popped into Mark's head. He tilted his head like he could hear the song playing on the air, the lyrics running through his head

_"Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking…"_

Collins raised an eyebrow at the boy, "Are you sure you're ok. You seem a little… out of it."

Mark kept his head tilted, but slowly turned his eyes to Collins, "Uh, yeah. Fine. I'm just-" _Do something, think of something. _He picked up his coffee mug and turned it around in his hands examining it. He tapped the side of his mug and furrowed his brow in concentration, "Is this thing on?"

Collins laughed from the kitchen, "Oh Lord, boy, you are in rare form this morning. I think whatever it was you had yesterday has spread to your brain." He laughed again, shook his head and turned to the skillet on the stove to start cooking the pancakes.

Mark smiled over at his friend, but as soon as Collins turned away Mark put his mug back down on the coffee table and let the smile fall. He suddenly felt very drained and he just let his arms hang limply at his sides on the couch.

_What is my problem? I need to snap out of this. I am out of it today. I just don't feel like moving. Like it takes too much effort to try to put the proper inflection on my words, or to have the right expression on my face. I just don't feel like making the effort to appear normal today. If I had the energy I would at least grab my camera and look busy with that, but I don't feel like getting up._

_Oh come on, Cohen._ Mark clenched his jaw in determination. _You've had days like this before, everyone does, right? You can do this. You can ignore it. If I'm feeling this badly, just imagine what everyone else is going through right now._

And that's the thought that did it. His body practically deflated as he sunk into the couch. His eyes fluttered closed, his eyebrows drawn together into a pained expression. Somehow he managed to suppress the moan that threatened to sound. He felt his throat tighten, and he swallowed thickly in a vain attempt to dislodge the thump that had formed there.

_Oh God. I told Roger I was a friend, and he told me I lived a lie. Maybe me being a friend is part of that lie. Friends don't sit around thinking about how tired they are and how much they don't want to function while everyone else is living their lives through their own pain, do they? If I am any friend at all I would push through this. Hell, I wouldn't even allow myself to feel like this. They've been through worse, and they're dealing with it so much better than I am. I am pathetic. No wonder Roger reacted the way he did when I blurted out at him that I detach because I'm the one to survive. 'Poor baby' is right._

"Alright, Mark. Get your scrawny ass out here and eat these pancakes. Breakfast is served." Mark look up at Collins who was smiling down triumphantly at the plate of pancakes he was placing carefully on the table.

_Here goes…_

Mark cleared his throat, rubbed a hand over his face quickly and stood up. "That looks great, Collins. Thank you." He stretched and wandered over to the table, coffee mug in hand. He sat down and waited for Collins to fix his own plate so they could eat together. He smiled up at Collins when he sat down across from him.

"Dig in!" Collins raised his fork in a partial toast and winked at Mark.

"Cheers, mate." Mark raised his fork as well, before taking the first bite.

_Oh, mmmm, pancakes. I forgot how much I liked these things._

"Oh, Collins, " Mark mumbled with his mouth full, "These are terrific, thank you so much. I haven't had pancakes in forever." He closed his eyes to revel in the familiar flavor on his tongue.

"Mmm, yeah, me either." Collins said between mouthfuls. "We never had them very much growing up. My parents were cereal people. But when we went to my grandparents' or if we had company, then we'd have a feast. I'm talkin' pancakes, sausages, bacon – the works. Man, I miss that."

Mark just chewed slowly and smiled at Collins.

_Oh, man, these are good. I don't think I'm used to eating something so rich and heavy though. I think I'm getting full already and I'm only through ½ of one. I gotta slow down._

Mark set his fork down and found that it was taking several attempts to swallow one bite. Collins kept plowing away, but glanced up at Mark with a question in his eyes. Mark just smiled and took a sip of his coffee.

"How you doing over there? You're stomach isn't bothering you is it?"

"Nope. Just making it last. This is really good, Col. Thank you."

"Ok, that's the third thank you. I think I am thoroughly thanked. And you're welcome." Collins took a few more bites, keeping an eye on Mark.

_Ok, he keeps looking at me. I suppose I should at least finish one pancake._

Mark leaned forward and resumed his slow progress.

"Man, you are the slowest eater I have ever seen." Collins finished his three pancakes, pushed the plate in front of him, and leaned back in the chair, crossing his arms across his chest.

"It's healthier to eat slow." He stated simply, taking another sip of his coffee.

Collins quirked an eyebrow at Mark and tipped his chair back. "Hm. Mark, there is so much I could say to that comment, I don't even know where to begin."

_Oh great, now I've gotten myself in trouble. I should really just keep my mouth shut sometimes._

Mark decided to ignore what Collins had just said, and took another bite of his pancake.

_Alright, one down, two more to go. Right now that looks like the most daunting thing in the world._

"Oh, shit. I forgot to tell you. You don't have to go to the post office today. I mailed Roger his AZT yesterday." Collins set his chair back down with a bang, announcing his revelation. "So, you don't have to worry your strange, spiky head over it." He pushed his chair back and brought his plate over to the stove. "I'm having more. You eating more?" Collins called over his shoulder.

Mark frowned down at the two he still had on his plate, and pushed a bite around in the syrup on his plate.

_Are you kidding me? I don't think I can have more than two more bites of this._

"No thank you, I'm good with this, thank you though. Oh, and thanks for taking care of Roger's AZT. He'll get it one day earlier!" He tried to sound enthusiastic.

_For some reason, I'm a lot less relieved that Collins took care of it already than I should be. I must have some control issues or something. Why do I want to have been the one to do it? And Collins can't be spending his time and money on my errands. He has better things to do. Damn it, I better pay him back. He already bought me a sandwich this week._

"How much was it?" Mark asked, getting up to fetch his wallet.

"Mark, don't worry about it, Jesus. You bought the AZT - which is far more expensive than mailing it out there. I got it covered." Collins sat back down at the table. "Sit down and finish your breakfast, already."

"I-" Mark was interrupted by the phone ringing. Collins kept eating, while Mark stopped and waited to see who it was.

_Saved by the bell._

SPEAK

"Mark – it's your mom. Hi honey. I thought I'd try calling a little earlier this time...just hoping I would catch you."

Collins stifled a chuckle. For some reason everyone always started laughing at just the sound of Mark's mom chirpy voice. Mark would usually just roll his eyes and sit quietly listening to the amusing and annoying message. This time her voice didn't sound quite as chirpy and peppy. She sounded tired, almost drained.

Mark walked over to the phone, contemplating on whether or not he was going to pick up. He let his hand hover over the receiver, waiting to see what she was calling for.

"I guess you're not there now either, you must be so busy. I hope you're not working too hard, my baby boy." There was an odd pause. Mark's hand shook briefly and he clenched his hand into a fist.

_She doesn't sound quite like herself… I hope nothing's wrong. Do I really want to have this conversation though? In front of Collins, right before I go into work?_

Mrs. Cohen cleared her throat, "Well, I guess I'm taking up all your time on your machine. Just, please call me back, Marky. I love you honey, I'd love to hear from you. I hope you're doing ok. Bye."

Mark stood standing by the phone for a moment. He scratched the back of his head, thinking. _I really shouldn't keep ignoring her. I hope everything's ok. How long has it been since I've actually had a conversation with anyone in my family?_

"Decided not to pick up I see." Collins stood up, apparently done already from his second round.

"Uh, yeah. I should, I should call her later." Mark said, only turning around half way, still wondering if he had made the right decision. He ran a hand through his hair and finally turned completely away from the phone and noticed that Collins was at the sink, putting away his dishes. "Wow. Done already? That was fast." He laughed.

Collins rubbed his stomach and nodded. "Oh, yeah. I know how to put it away, my friend." He turned and winked at Mark.

"So, Collins, what are you going to do with yourself today?" Mark strolled over to the counter to help Collins put the food away.

"Well, I think I'm going to go over to the apartment. Go through her things." He paused and smiled sadly to himself. "I think it's about time."

_Oh my God, I didn't even think of that. Poor Collins. That's going to be so hard… I can't imagine._

"You want to do that by yourself?" Mark placed a comforting hand on Collins' arm.

"Yeah, I think I do. I think it'll be good to have this time alone with her, ya know? Take my time, look through everything. …remember. I think I need to do this. May as well not put it off." Collins put his hand over Mark's hand. They looked at each other for a moment. Finally, Collins squeezed Mark's hand and looked away. "I'm only going to be here for another week about anyway, so…may as well get the moving process going."

_I wonder what he'll find. I can't believe it's come to this. This is how he's going to spend his day. Alone with his grief and memories. And here I am, all I have to do is go to work today and I think that's horrible. That's nothing compared to the day he has ahead of him. I hope he's going to be ok._

"Hey – Mark, did you hear my question or are you just ignoring me on purpose? Marrrrkk… helllooo."

Mark blinked and was suddenly aware that Collins was waving his hand in front of his face, and apparently talking to him.

"Oh, what? Sorry, I was..zoning, I guess."

Collins snorted, "You are spacey today. Anyway, I was asking if you knew what time you'd be home today."

"Oh, uh, I don't know. Alexi made it sound like it wouldn't be very long, but you never know with that place. I might be home at lunch, I might be home past dark. Who knows" Mark shrugged and leaned against the counter.

"Alright, well…do you want to shower first, or should I? It looks like a beautiful day out there. No sense in wasting more time in here." Collins nodded his head toward the window.

"It doesn't matter. I should have time to shower and leave on time if you want to go first."

_Maybe I can sneakily dump the rest of my pancakes if he showers first. That pancake was good, but I think I'm starting to feel a little nauseous. I'd rather just close my eyes and rest on the couch for a bit before I step into the steamy bathroom._

Mark sighed and took his glasses off to rub his eyes and noticed that Collins must have already gone into the bathroom. He scraped the rest of his breakfast off his plate and rinsed it in the sink before stretching out onto the couch and closing his eyes.

**5:00pm**

"Hey, Collins you here?" Mark called into the dim light of the loft and he pushed the door closed with his foot.

_Guess not. Must be at the apartment still. I hope he's doing ok over there. I wonder if I should call. I wouldn't want to interrupt, though._

Mark hung his coat and scarf up and placed his messenger bag down gently against the wall. He could see the message light blinking from across the room. Mark ran a hand through his hair and trudged over to the small table and hit "play".

SPEAK

"Mark – it's your mom. Hi, honey. I thought-" _Oops, forgot to delete that one._

SPEAK

"Marrrkyy. It's Maureen. Hi, Pookie. Hey, call me when you get home, k? I have this new idea for a show and I wanted you to tape what I have so far so I can see if it looks good enough. Call me."

Mark smiled and rolled his eyes. _Oh that should be fun._

SPEAK

"Mark, it's Collins. It's about 3:30. I just wondered if you were back yet. I hope your day went ok. Hope you kept your breakfast down. I'm going to keep plugging away here I think for a while. I know you're probably all worried, but I'm fine so… cut it out."

Mark chuckled to himself. "He knows me too well."

SPEAK

"Mark, uh, hey. It-it's Roger. Hey, Collins if you're there. It's about 1:45 my time, so I guess it's 3:45 there. You must be back to work today. Anyway, you have my number, so call me if you want."

_Damn, missed his call. I should call him before heading over to Maureen's. I wonder what he'll say? I hope he's not mad at me. I can't believe I said those things to him. I can't believe he's in Santa Fe. Of all places…_

Mark sighed and picked up the scrap of paper Collins wrote his number down on. _Well, here goes I guess. _He dialed the number and sat down on the floor, listening to the rings.

"Hello?"

"R-Roger?" Mark started fiddling with the phone chord, feeling very anxious all of a sudden.

"Mark? That you?" Roger sounded a little awkward himself.

"Yeah, Rog. It's me." _Now what?_

"So-"

"Are you-"

Both boys talked at once, and then gave simultaneous nervous laughs.

"Sorry, you go." Mark said through his laughter.

"No, I was just…I, uh." Roger sighed and tried again, "So, I heard you were sick."

"Oh, yeah. Collins must have told you I gather. It's better, I'm better."_ I only had to sit down in the shower once, and did some lovely dry heaving over the toilet, and my head is driving me crazy, but other than that…_

"Oh, that's good. I heard he had to carry you into bed." Roger gave a short laugh. "Guess it must have knocked you on your ass, huh?"

_Collins you little bastard. I can't believe he told Roger about that. What else did he say to him I wonder._

"Uh, yeah. That was not one of best moments. I went back to work today, though. I even did the 9 to 5 deal. So, that's exciting." Mark took his glasses off and put them on the table above him. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. _Maybe I should make more coffee. I never did look to see if we had any Tylenol. Oh, shit maybe I should pay attention to the conversation. Man, I am spacey today._

"Yeah, Collins also told me that you are quite the dancer, and expert tree climber as well. I go off to Santa Fe and all these hidden talents come out." Roger's voice sounded like he was trying to keep from laughing.

"Collins has been quite the Chatty Cathy hasn't he? God, what else did he tell you." _I'm going to kill that man._

"Not much else, I promise. He, uh," Roger cleared his throat. "He told me about Mimi and rehab. Said she talked with you some?"

Mark could hear the question in Roger's voice. "Yeah. Yeah I talked to her last night for a while. She's doing ok, Roger. Hanging in there. I think she'd rather be home." _I'd rather her be home_. "But she made the choice to go there. It's hard I think, but...she'll get through it. I can't go see her for another 2 or 3 days, though. She's going to let me know when she can start having visitors. I'll probably talk to her again tonight, so maybe I'll know more then."

"Yeah…uh, keep me posted?"

"Yeah, Rog. I will." Mark cleared his throat, a little unsure of how to proceed with their conversation. _I want to tell him I'm sorry for judging him, for trying to make him feel bad about his decision to leave. I'm scared to even bring it up. I don't want to say the wrong thing and get him angry all over again._

"Did-did Collins give you my message?" Roger's voice got quiet.

_Ok, I guess he's bringing it up. Ok, Cohen, here's your chance, don't mess this up._

"Yeah, he did. I actually wanted to uh, t-to say the same thing. I wanted to, um… apologize too." Mark rubbed his head with one hand. _Why am I so tired from talking on the damn phone? I still have to go over to Maureen's after this. Damn it._

"Listen, Mark. You were right, and… I was… out of line. I shouldn't have said what I said. That wasn't fair."

"No, Roger. You were right, too. About a lot of things. I had no right to try to make you stay, I'm sorry." _Ok, so far so good._

"It's fine, Mark. But you know, I still think this is important for me to do this. I don't really know how to explain it so I can't expect anyone to understand, since don't even fully get it myself. But… I think I need to be here. For now. I'm sorry."

Mark was silent for a moment. _You're right, Roger. I don't really get it, but… that's ok. I just wish you were here with us. I wish we were all together again. I wish things didn't have to change._ Mark swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.

"Hey, Rog?"

"Yeah?"

Mark cleared his throat and made an attempt to sound light-hearted, "Can we have this conversation again when you get back?"

"What? Why?"

"So I can record Roger Davis apologizing to someone." Mark smirked to himself, trying to picture Roger's reaction, and trying desperately to lighten the heavy mood that he could feel himself falling into.

Roger snorted, and Mark could almost see him rolling his eyes. "Shut-up, Cohen. No one has to know. This message will self destruct in five, four, three.." He chuckled lightly over the phone.

The was a pause while the boys laughed quietly to themselves for a moment.

"Hey, Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you…" Roger stopped.

"What?"

"Never mind. S'nothing."

_Ok. What was that about?_

"Hey, Mark. I'm going to let you go. You're going to have one hell of a long distance bill. I'll talk to you later, ok? I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep those dancin' shoes on." He laughed through his nose.

"Oh, ok. It was good talking to you, Rog. Come back with a nice tan, ok? I'll call you with any news."

"Ok. Bye, Mark."

"Bye."

Mark stayed on the floor with the phone in his hand after Roger hung up, waiting to get a burst of energy so he could stand up. _So that was it. Not too painful I guess. Could have been a lot worse. But I still feel like there was so much more to say. I guess there's still time for that._

Mark groaned and slid up the wall and hung the phone up. He paused and picked it back up, dialing Maureen and Joanne's number.

_Maybe she won't be home. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe I can do this tomorrow._

"Hello?"

"Hey, Mo. It's Mark." _Ok, so she's home._

"Marrrkky! You're home! Joanne's Marky's home!" Mark winced and held the phone away from his ear.

_Holy Lord, woman. Ever hear of an "inside voice"?_

"Hey – did you get my message, can you come over? Please, please, please?"

_Ok, she didn't change her mind. Damn it. Now I definitely need more coffee._

"Yeah, I got your message. Yeah, I can come over. But I demand payment."

"Oooh, sounds kinky." Mark quirked his eyebrow at the phone and chuckled when he heard Joanne squawk in protest in the background.

"Just pay me in coffee and Tylenol, Mo." Mark shook his head.

"Oh, ok. Jo, do we have any Tylenol?"

Mark held the phone away from his ear again, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, we have Tylenol. Pookie, you have a headache?"

_Yeah, no thanks to you._

"A little one, yeah."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, come on over and we'll fix you right up and you can film me ok? I think you'll really like this one. I can't wait for you to see it." Maureen squealed excitedly and Mark pictured her jumping up and down with Joanne looking vaguely irritated in the background.

"Yeah, Mo. I'm sure I will. I'll be right over. Bye."

"K. Bye."

Mark hung the phone up and moaned.

_Ok, time to head back out. I think I'll leave Collins a note. I hope he doesn't stay out too late. I hate to think of him there all day, all alone. I don't want him walking back here in the dark, by himself, emotional and distracted on these streets._

Mark wrote Collins a quick note, grabbed his coat and messenger bag, wrapped his scarf around his neck and once again walked out of the loft.

_I can't wait to get my hands on that coffee and Tylenol, that's all I can say._

**10:45pm**

_Damn it._

Mark dropped his messenger bag in the stairway and leaned against the wall. He was panting, and grasped the railing to hold himself up. He heard someone coming up behind him and tried to turn to look, but he only saw the dark blur of the jacket of whoever it was as he pushed past Mark like he wasn't even there. It knocked him off balance and he slid awkwardly onto the stairs, hitting his knee in the process.

_Fuck. AHG, that hurt. Shit. I think I'll just stay here for a second._

Mark stayed down and tried to catch his breath.

_Man, the walk back from the girls' place doesn't usually take this much out of me. This is pathetic. I can barely make it the stairs! What am I talking about? I'm on the floor. I can't even make it up the stairs without freaking collapsing._

With a deep breath, Mark hoisted himself up off the floor and lumbered the rest of the way up the stairs. He was dragging his messenger bag behind him, it took too much effort to pick it up off the floor. Once he was in the loft he didn't even have the energy to take his coat and scarf off, or pull the door closed.

_Oh God. That Tylenol didn't even touch this headache. Everything is spinning. I can't stop shaking. How fast can I get to the couch?_

He stumbled over to the couch, but his foot caught a leg of the coffee table and he pitch forward, falling rather ungracefully onto the couch.

_Well, that's one way of doing it._

Mark shifted positions so he was lying on his stomach on the couch, one leg and arm dangling off the side. His eyes were burning and his eyelids felt thick and heavy. He lied there waiting for his heart rate to slow and his breath to even out. He could feel himself slipping into sleep and thought about taking off his glasses, but his arms didn't seem to want to move and sleep was quickly taking over.

"Maybe he's sick or something. Should we wake him up?"

"I don't know man, let's just look around. Maybe he'll stay asleep."

Mark's eyes tried to snap open at the sound of two unfamiliar voices nearby, but his lids were too heavy. With great effort his eyes slowly blinked open and focused on the scene in front of him. Two young men, maybe late teens, were standing in the doorway to the loft holding black trash bags and looking a little unsure. Mark blinked a few times, trying to blink away the burning sensation behind his eyes.

"Uh…are you looking for someone?" Mark cleared his throat as he clumsily pushed himself up off the couch to stand shakily in front of the strangers in his loft.

The men jumped slightly, both tried to clutch the others' arms and then seemed to recover and pulled themselves upright and tried to look intimidating. One held up his garbage bag and pointed at Mark.

"See these, asshole?"

_Oh you have got to be kidding me. Why the hell didn't I shut the damn door._

Mark swallowed and looked back and forth between the two. The one pointing at him was tall and slender. He was wearing a charcoal gray hooded sweatshirt with the hood pulled up over his head so that it cast a shadow over his face. His jeans were dirty and baggy and Mark guessed that if his sweatshirt wasn't hanging down so low, boxers would be seen peaking up above the waistband of his jeans. The kid was wearing black high top sneakers. The sole of the left shoe was being held on by duct tape.

The other man was hunched over, making him appear a full foot shorter than his companion. He seemed jumpy and kept looking at the doorway and shifting from one foot to the other. He was also wearing a hooded sweatshirt, his was bright red, but the hood was down. Instead, his head was covered with a baseball cap the same color as his sweatshirt. His face looked young, and full of acne. He had a large scar that curved across his right cheek. His jeans were a faded black with a hole in one knee. Oddly enough he was wearing what appeared to be brand new sneakers, still gleaming white in contrast to the dingy surroundings.

"Yeaaahh," Mark said slowly, trying to figure out if he needed to be scared of these guys or not.

The tall one smirked and gave the plastic bag a shake. "We're going to fill these with your stuff and you're going to help us."

_Oh. Fabulous. This is really how I envisioned spending the rest of my day. They seem a little green. I wonder if this is their first robbery. Should I feel honored?_

Mark didn't say anything, as he pondered the situation he found himself in. He could feel exhaustion tugging at every limb._ I'm not sure my legs are going to hold me up for much longer._ He thought as he reached around to grasp onto the back of the couch for support. It didn't really work, and instead he lost his balance and stumbled back until the back of his knees hit the edge of the couch and he plopped down noisily onto the couch. Beads of sweat were starting to form on his forehead despite the rest of him that was shivering slightly from the cold autumn air.

"Are you sick, man? What's wrong with you?" The shorter kid asked, looking a little nervous at Mark's compromised state.

Mark couldn't help but roll his eyes, he was really too tired to show the proper fear and reverence to his captors. "Something like that." He mumbled, putting his face into his hands.

"Man, would if it's something contagious. Maybe we should just get out of here." The shorter one hissed to the taller kid.

_Maybe I should cough all over them or something. Maybe they really would leave. Naa, I don't really have the engery for that. I think I'll just stay here and let them do whatever they want to do. It's not like we have anything they'd want in here._

The tall one gave out an exasperated sigh. "Look, man. Just show us where the valuable stuff is, ok."

Mark lifted his head from his hands and had to keep himself from laughing. "Valuable stuff? Are you kidding?"

"Don't play around. I know you've got some stuff. Just tell us where it is and we'll take it, and go. It's real simple." The tall one said, trying his best to sound menacing, and failing miserably.

"Really simple." Mark corrected

"What?" The kid looked both confused and annoyed.

"Nothing." Mark rolled his eyes again and slouched down further into the couch.

_This is ridiculous. Maybe I should just lie down and go to sleep and let them do their thing, if they ever get around to it._

The tall one grunted and shook the bag again. "Don't be smart. Where is the stuff?" He emphasized each word with a shake of the bag.

His shorter companion looked impatient and nervous. "We're wasting our time, it doesn't look like there's anything here. Let's just get outa here."

"No way." Growled the taller kid. He stalked closer to Mark on the couch, who had closed his eyes in the meantime, just waiting for them to figure out what they were going to do and let him know. "Hey!" He slapped Mark sharply on the cheek.

"Ow, frig." Mark practically whined and he sat up and put a hand to his cheek and looked up at the kid who slapped him.

The tall one sat down on the coffee table and leaned in so that his face was inches away from Mark's.

_Apparently he's getting a little more into this 'mean robber' thing. Maybe I should pay more attention. This could be bad._

"Listen, asshole." He sneered.

_Again with the "asshole", I'm not the one robbing some innocent person._

"I happen to know you have some valuables in here, and I want them. It would really make my life a lot easier if you just tell me where they are. You can just point one of your skinny little fingers. In fact, if you don't, I'm going to start snapping them off one by one." His top lip curled up and he cocked his head to the side.

Mark got a better look at him now that he was so close. He had thick dark eyebrows and round deep brown eyes. There was a glint of fear in them that belied the sneer and on his lips.

_Just how serious am I supposed to take these guys? They're just kids, and by the looks of it, scared shitless. Which could really mean one of two things. They chicken out and flee, or they get desperate and do something stupid. I'm really hoping for the first._

"I don't know why you are so sure that there is something valuable in here that you want. If I knew of anything I would gladly point you to it. But I don't, so if you want to look around, be my guest." Mark said as politely as he could, leaning back into the couch so he wasn't nose to nose with his robber.

The shorter kid let out an irritated "AARG!" and stomped over to his buddy and Mark. "This isn't funny, anymore. Let's either take something, or forget it. Just… come one." He ignored Mark, and waved his arms around at his friend on the coffee table.

_Well, at least one of them isn't in the mood to play bad guy tonight. I wish they'd hurry the frig up, I really want to lie down. Do I have a fever? Shit._

The tall one stood up abruptly and pacing around the coffee table a few times with his hand on his head. Finally he spun around to face Mark and stuck his hand into the front pocket of his sweatshirt and pointed what looked like a gun at Mark through the pocket.

_Oh shit, wasn't expecting that. Not good. Not good. Mark drew in a breath and held it._

The shorter man threw both hands to the top of his head and turned around in place with a pained look on his face. "Oh man, oh man, oh man." He muttered to himself over and over.

"Everyone just shut up! Listen. This is not a game, ok!" He kicked the coffee table over, causing both Mark and the other robber to jump. "Damn it!" He hollered at the ceiling before reeling around to point the gun at Mark through the sweatshirt once again. "I am asking you one more time. Where is the stuff!"

_Shit shit shit shit._

"What stuff!" Mark raised his voice and waved his arms in a sweeping motion across the loft.

The man let out a roar, "The stuff that the guy on the street down there said you had!"

Mark let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes briefly.

_Oh. My. God._

"Th-the man on the street? Wha..who?" Mark's throat tightened up and he found it very hard to get words out.

The taller man grunted and jogged over to the window and pointed down, "That one, damn it."

Mark slowly rose to his feet and walked over to the window, holding onto anything he could along the way to help hold himself up. He glanced back at the other robber, who was pacing furiously back and forth in front of the doorway, grasping the sides of his baseball cap. Mark peered out the window cautiously and squinted out into the night. The only person he saw was an old bum who had parked himself on a bench on the other side of the road a few weeks ago.

_What the? I don't even know who that is? Is that who he's talking about?_

"What? A-a bum? That's a bum. He's never been in here, I don't even know who that is. He wouldn't have the first clue what we have in here. Is that the man who told you we had 'valuable stuff' somewhere in here?" Mark made quotation gestures around the words "valuable stuff".

"Fuck." The tall man threw his head back in frustration and let his hand fall out of the pocket, exposing his "gun" to be a neon green water pistol.

Mark glanced down at it and tried not to burst out laughing. Instead he pretended he didn't notice it as the man quickly realized what he had done before stuffing it back in his pocket, glancing around nervously to make sure no one saw it.

_Oh my God. A water gun? This is so classic._

"Yeah, that's the guy. You don't know him?" He suddenly seemed very unsure of himself and shifted uneasily on his feet.

"A bum." Mark repeated in his best "are you kidding me?" voice. "Does it look like we have anything of value in here? He's a bum for God's sake. My underwear would be valuable to him." Mark gestured down to the poor man across the street.

_I bet these kids tried to rob him too, so he pointed them in a different direction. Give me a break. Can I go to bed now?_

"Valuable underwear, huh? Ok, take them off. I wanna see them."

"What? No!" Mark choked out.

_Holy shit. I'm being robbed by idiots._

The shorter man seemed to have snapped out of his fit and had made his way closer to Mark and his comrade. "What the hell, he's kidding. It's underwear you idiot! There's obviously nothing here, let's just go. We've wasted enough time."

The guy with the water gun for a weapon rolled his eyes and groaned. Mark almost felt bad for him, he looked so defeated. "Alright fine. We're going. But if I find out you are lying, we're coming back." He spat out, waggling a finger in Mark's face. His friend had already made it to the doorway when he finally turned to go, taking a couple steps away.

_Finally. Peace._ Mark sighed and let his shoulders slump in relief. He was about to sit down on the windowsill when the tall kid turned back around to face Mark. His face was scrunched up in a weird sort of grimace. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before settling on a simple: "Asshole."

Mark stood back up since he was half way to a seated position, he rolled his eyes and threw his arms up in the arm. "Oh, yes. I'm the asshole. Freakin' idiots." He muttered the last words to himself, shaking his head.

Apparently that pissed the tall guy off, and he promptly punched Mark hard in the gut. Mark cried out and doubled over. The windowsill caught his fall as he went down. He coughed, trying to catch his breath and looked up through watery eyes to see the boys finally walking out the door. The shorter one actually bothered to close the door behind him.

Mark gave a half smile at the door and tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a gurgled cough.

"Ohhh, God." He moaned, clutching his stomach and hunching over on the windowsill.

_Damn it! I almost get robbed, I get slapped in the face, and then punched in the stomach? WHAT THE FUCK!_

He squeezed his eyes shut, and gulped in air, coughing and gasping. He curled himself up on the windowsill and focused on his breathing. It felt like it took forever for it to get under control. The pounding of his blood in his temples suddenly seemed to magnify and a cold sweat washed over him. The heat behind his eyes was back. As he lay there in the quiet, empty loft the only thing he could focus on was his body, and all the different sensations that were coursing through it. He shivered and curled tighter into himself. The cold night air seeped through the large window and into his bones. The sweat caught the chilled air and worked as a conductor, drawing the chill into Mark's exhausted body. As he lied there, he noticed there was a coppery taste in his mouth.

_Is that blood? Maybe I bit my tongue when he punched me. Everything hurts. I am so tired. I just need to sleep. I just need to sleep. Sleep._

Ok I had another version of this chapter that was drastically different. I kept changing crap and re-writing. I finally just settled on this, and I have no idea if it was the right decision.

For some reason I got the bizarre scene with the robbers in my head the other night while I was trying to fall asleep and I don't know why the underwear popped into my head and cracked me up. I'm not sure the scene came out quite as I intended and I think there were things that never made it into the chapter as a whole that I'm annoyed about, but hey. I'm sick of looking at it so here you go!


	10. And Miles to Go Before I Sleep

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**_Mark's thoughts in italics_ **

**Mark's POV**

**Tuesday, November 6, 1990 12:05am**

Mark woke to the sound of the phone ringing. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked several times, trying to get his world in focus. The first thing he noticed was that his shirt felt damp and that there was a draft coming from somewhere that was somehow cutting through his coat that apparently he never bothered to take off, making his shirt feel like it was going to freeze onto him. The second thing he noticed was pain. It was everywhere. He slowly uncurled himself from the near fetal position he found himself in and hissed sharply at the pain that seemed to be attacking every bone and every muscle.

SPEAK

"Oh Maarrkky!"

"Maureen? What now?" Mark groaned as he slowly inched his way into an upright position, his body screaming at him the whole time. He fell into a mini coughing fit as he sat up, which caused a largely unpleasant burning sensation to grip his stomach.

_Damn, I guess that bug is still hanging on. Oh wait… windowsill…robbers…. Ooohh right. I got punched in the stomach. Ok, that accounts for the coughing and soreness. This day has been shit. And why the hell is my shirt wet? I must have been sweating in my sleep. Was I dreaming again?_

"Pookie, I know your there, pick uuup." Maureen sing-songed into the machine.

"Maureen, this is why I wouldn't let you leave a message before, he's probably in bed."

Mark couldn't help but chuckle at the sound of Joanne's voice in the background, which caused a few more coughs to erupt from his throat and a fresh wave a pain to course through his stomach. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the wall.

_Ooook, not good. Why the hell did I leave the door open for those idiot kids to play "bad ass punk robbers" with me anyway? Ohhh yeah, I was too freaking exhausted to close it. Man, I'm really not doing very well am I?_

"Hey, tell him to get his scrawny white ass down here!" Collins bellowed from somewhere nearby.

"Yeah, tell him to come have a drink with us."

_Wow, Benny's there as well. The whole gang. Maybe I should pick up the phone….join them._

Mark opened his eyes and stretched a little, but the way his body seemed to be revolting against him caused him to reconsider.

_You know what on second thought… maybe I'll just stay here, and not move….ever._

"Hey – Mark! I'll buy you a beer – come on pick up the phone you lazy ass!"

_Well, Benny sounds drunk. I bet they all are. Crazy kids. I hope they're careful._

"Give me that – Mark? It's Joanne. If you're there and feeling up to it, we're all here at The Full Cup, you know, that place across from the Cat Scratch? Come on over. Love ya! Bye."

Mark smiled and leaned against the wall again and tried not to move the wrong way.

_Love you too, Jo. Have a drink for me._

Mark felt like he could doze off again, but the phone had other plans for him.

_It's probably them again. Leave a poor, tired man alone people!_

SPEAK

"M-M-Mark? It's M-Mimi. Um… c-could you pick up if you're t-there please?"

_Oh crap, Mimi! Hold on! _

"I'll be right there!" He croaked out into the air as though she could hear him. He fell into another coughing fit that left him panting and clutching his stomach.

_Ow. Shit. This might take a little longer than I thought. _

"Mark? I guess you aren't there." Mark could hear her labored breathing on the machine.

_Oh, Meems, wait. I'm coming._

Mark pushed off the windowsill and braced himself against the wall briefly before staggering to the phone.

"Well, I guess I'll just talk-"

"Mimi – I'm here!" Mark's voice sounded strange and horse. He still hadn't caught his breath after his coughing fit and the walk didn't help matter. Mark quickly sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. He sort of tipped over a little upon impact with the ground, causing the phone to be yanked off the small table and topple on top of him. "Ooffph – ah, what the?"

"Mark? You ok? You sound funny. What was that noise?"

Mark slid back up the wall so he was sitting a little more upright and set the phone's cradle down next to him. _Ok, now I can add being attacked by my own phone onto the list._

"Hey, Meems. Dropped the phone. You sound shaky. Is it really bad tonight?"

"Y-yeah." Mimi's breath kept hitching and she was having a hard time getting her words out. The sound made Mark's heart feel like it would break with every stutter.

"I'm so sorry, Mimi. I wish there was something I could do. What about the nausea, how are you doing with that?"

"N-not so good, Mark. How do people do it? I don't think I can take much more of this."

_No no no Mimi. Don't say that._

"Mimi, you're doing fine. Have you been doing those breathing techniques I told you about last time? Have they been helping at all?" Mark cleared his throat and shifted his weight slightly, trying to get comfortable for what he knew would be a long conversation.

"Yeah, some. I don't always remember to do them. I'll keep t-trying though." Mimi let out a shaky breath followed by a pained moan.

"Meems? You ok? What are you feeling now?" Mark sat up and tried to fight off the panic that was rising in the pit of his stomach at the sound of his friend in pain.

"Y-yeah, m'ok, J-just a big shudder that's all. It's ok. Mark?

"Yeah?"

"This really sucks." He could hear what sounded like a smile in her voice.

"Yeah, I know. I know." Mark sighed and relaxed against the wall again.

"M-Mark? D-did you ever have to go t-through this? I don't mean with Roger… I mean, you y-yourself?"

"No." Mark whispered, suddenly feeling almost ashamed for not being able to share this with her.

"I'm glad. I never want you to feel like this. Promise me you'll never put yourself through this, ok?"

_Wow. This is so different than Roger's withdrawal. He would get in moods where he would be pissed at me just for not knowing, for not having been through it. I know he was just angry at the world and he didn't mean it when he said those things, but… I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong or was less than he was because I didn't have the same pain. But Mimi… she's actually glad I can't relate to this. Wow._

"Mark, you promise?"

_Oh, oops._

Mark smiled, "Yeah. Yeah, Meems, I promise." He paused for a moment. "Mimi?"

"Y-yeah?"

_I love you, I want you to be home. It's breaking my heart to hear you suffer. Thank you for caring about me, for not wanting me in pain. Please hang on._

"T-thanks."

"For what?" He could hear the confusion in her small, shaky voice.

"Just for… for… being you." If Mimi was in the room with him, she would see that familiar pink spreading across Mark's cheeks.

Mimi laughed softly. "Like I could be anyone else. Right now I kind of wish I were."

They sat quietly for a moment. Just enjoying each other's quite company, even miles apart.

"So, Mark. I haven't asked how your day was today. It's actually past midnight, so I guess I should be asking how your day was yesterday."

_Hmm.. how much time you got?_

"Oh, my day? Well, it was… I-it was. Uh…"

"That bad?" Her voice was a cross between amused and concerned.

"You don't really want to hear about it, Meems." _Like she needs to bogged down with my crappy life._

"Shut-up. Of course I do. Why do you think I asked? Mark, I've got all night. And I would love to get my mind off my body right about now."

It was the barely hidden desperate plea that got to him. Mark took a deep breath and tried to figure out what details to leave out.

"From the beginning?" Mark asked.

"From the beginning."

_Here goes._

"Ok. Morning went alright. Collins made pancakes, actually. So… breakfast of champions. Hey – how's the food at that place? Any good? Or have you totally lost your appetite yet?"

"Quit changing the subject. Food's fine. Appetite comes and goes. Go on."

_Geeze pushy._

"Ok, commando." Mark chuckled. "Ok…so, where was I?"

"Pancakes. Did you actually eat any?"

"Yeah, Collins actually cooked – I couldn't pass that up!"

_Don't ask me how many, don't ask me how many._

"How many did you eat?"

_Damn it._

"Um…one. But it had syrup, and it was pretty big! My mom called, and I had to get to work!" Mark added quickly, hoping it would appease her.

"Mm-hm. Whatever Mark. Do you expect me to believe you actually talked with your mom this morning? And long enough so you didn't have time to eat a decent sized breakfast?" Mimi laughed.

_Oohh, she's good._

"Ok, no I didn't actually talk to my mom. Hey, are you going to stop me after every detail of my day or what? I had a whole pancake – that's more than I get most mornings. You should be beaming with pride."

"Ok ok. Go on."

_At least she sounds a little more at ease. It feels good to be talking with someone, have someone to listen._

Mark cleared his throat for dramatic effect. "Oook. So. Breakfast. Next up, work."

"What time?" Mimi interrupted.

"You really are fishing for details aren't you? 9:00 to 5:00. Ahh, living the corporate life. Nothin' like it Meems. 3 piece suits, ass kissing, all the coffee you can drink…all it costs you is your soul. I hope you don't mind I signed yours away instead. I'm kind of attached to mine." Mark paused to hear Mimi's reaction, smiling softly to himself.

"You're an ass. When I get out of here you better sleep with one eye open."

"We live in Alphabet City, I already do." He was smiling when he said it, but for some reason, just that small statement stirred something up inside. Mark went from joking lightly with his friend to suddenly feeling heavy and hopeless.

_I live in Alphabet City. This is my life. What am I even doing here anyway? I'm not getting anywhere with my filming. I haven't been able to keep my friends from harm. I don't talk to my family. Am I even happy here? I would have never pictured myself in this situation. Is this what I really wanted my life to be like? Struggling to survive everyday with no real end in sight?_

"Mark? You still there? Hello?"

Mark blinked and shook his head. "Oh, yeah, sorry."

"Are you tired? Don't let me keep you on the phone if you're too tired."

"What? Oh, no. I'm not too tired. I just, uh, got distracted."

_Maybe I should move around a little. Keep myself focused… keep my brain from straying._

Mark slid up the wall and couldn't stop the audible gasp as searing pain shot through his stomach with the movement. The pain knocked the wind out of him for a moment, and he had to brace himself on the small table until he caught his breath.

_Ok, bad idea. Damn. I forgot how much this sucks. I haven't been punched in the stomach in years. Does it always hurt this badly or I am just a colossal wimp?_

"Mark? Are you still there? Mark?"

_Oh shit, Mimi._

"Yeah I'm here." Mark winced at the sound of his voice.

_I sound like I swallowed a bucket of sand._

"Are you ok? You sound like you're…. Constipated."

_Or that._

Mark tried to laugh, but coughed instead. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just took a couple ex-lax, so I might have to hang up abruptly in approximately 40 minutes."

Mimi snorted, "You're such a dork. But, seriously. You made a funny noise. It sounded like you hurt yourself."

_Damn you in your superhuman hearing._

"Uh, no. I'm fine. I was just stretching. Oh, hey – you said you had some scary group therapy thing today. How did that go?" _Mark Cohen, master of changing the subject._

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. Mark – these people are so weird. You've been to Life Support. You know how we can sometimes get really… touchy feely? Well, times that by 50 and you might have an idea of what most of the staff here are like. Most of the other, uh…patients? I guess, patients. Anyway, most everyone else here seems to really respond to that. I mean, it seems to help. But there is a small handful of us unconventional types that don't really know how to handle that, ya know? I keep fighting the urge to crack jokes and dance on the tables just to release….I don't know…something."

Mark laughed softly. "Yeah, I can see that. So it's one of those places then. So have you just been playing along or what?"

"Yes and no. Today was the first group, so it was mostly introductions and stuff. I mostly just took it all in. I haven't quite figured out who I can be myself with yet, you know? They have this thing there. It's like some unwritten rule that you must squeeze someone's hand at least twice a day. They must train the staff to do that or something because everyone will give you this nauseatingly sympathetic look and squeeze your hand after they're done giving you a check up or escorting you to a meeting or something. And the patients are getting into it too. I think I should start a new rehab fad."

While Mimi was talked Mark decided it was safe to move again, and got situated on the couch. This time the pain wasn't quite as harsh as before, but it was still there. And now his headache was returning.

Mark sighed and took his glances off and set them on the phone table. "What kind of fad did you have in mind?"

"Ass grabbing." Mimi stated, matter-of-factly.

Mark couldn't help but laugh. "Ah, perfect. No one suspects the rehab ass grab. I think some of the guys there would find that incredibly therapeutic coming from you." He chuckled some more.

"I thought you'd like that idea." Mark could hear the smile in her voice.

"I'm glad the group thing went ok. When's your next one?"

"We'll have this one everyday at 11:30. I have an individual therapy session three times a week starting tomorrow, errr today, at 1:30. So that should be interesting. Oh, Mark. I meant to tell you. In two days I can start having visitors as long as I don't backslide or something. They want all visitors to pre-register I think. Benny should have that info anyway. But if you have time and want to, then maybe you could come tomorrow to pre-register? If you let me know what time I could make sure I'm hanging around the front desk and maybe I could steal a Mark hug." She sounded almost shy. Mark could picture her twisting the phone chord nervously, looking at her feet.

"Of course I'll come! Let's see… tomorrow I think I'm supposed to be working at 10:30, so I could come before then… how about if I'm there at 9:00?"

"Yeah, I think that should be doable. Hold on…" Mark could hear Mimi breathing deeply.

"Keep breathing, Meems. It'll pass." Mark closed his eyes and thought that it was fairly ironic that the same advice could be given to him these days.

"C-Can you just…t-talk to me? Finish telling me about your day?"

Mark nodded even though she couldn't see it. He swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the lump that kept forming in his throat. He found himself blinking back tears at the sound of his friend's discomfort.

"Yeah, ok, Meems."

Mark rambled on about his day, the annoying people at work, his impossible boss, Maureen's new performance idea…anything that he could think of to fill the space and keep Mimi's mind off her withdrawal.

Once Mimi felt a little better she returned the favor. The two friends talked and laughed over the phone, both giving each other a much needed distraction and some semblance of a normal life. Mimi didn't realize it, but Mark needed it just as much as she did. Here Mark could be a little more frank than he normally would feel comfortable being, he could be a little more honest. He didn't have to see her expression or look into her eyes when he told her about the near robbery that took place just a few hours earlier, or when he recounted how Maureen had dumped him for Joanne.

They told storied from their childhood, stories about Roger, and stories about Angel. Mimi openly cried and laughed, while Mark held his own tears at bay. He thought for sure she must have heard the thickness in his voice though at those moments where he thought he would lose the battle with his tear ducts. If she did, she didn't let on, something he was very thankful for.

When Mimi started nodding off, they finally hung up around 2:00am. Mark sat on the couch for a little while after the conversation ended, feeling simultaneously content, drained, and sore. He sat there with his eyes closed for a moment, letting the quiet settle on his shoulders like a heavy blanket. With the welcome distraction of company was suddenly gone, Mark's awareness of the world around him seemed to be magnified.

Everything felt still and cold. A few sounds of life in Alphabet City at 2:00 in the morning filtered up through the windows. Mark could hear someone coughing, someone laughing, someone muttering to himself drunkenly, a car driving by, a far away siren, a couple fighting, a baby crying. It all felt so distant, unreal, and untouchable.

_I used to be able to touch it all with my camera. Life here used to seem so much more real than anywhere else I've ever been. Why does it seem so foreign now? Why do I feel like I have never really been a part of this life? This place?_

Mark sighed and slid down so he was lying on his side on the couch. He felt the tears that had been threatening to fall all night sting his eyes once again. His shoulders began to shake with silent sobs and one by one the salty tears worked their way down his cheeks. His coat felt scratchy and constricting, shoes felt heavy and tight, and he could feel the frame of the couch pressing against his sore bones. Now in the empty, quiet loft, his mind was flooded with dark thoughts he tried so hard to push out. Now in the stillness he had no choice but focus on every ache and pain.

_Is this what it's going to be like when everyone's gone and I'm really alone? Is this how it's always going to feel? Is this how April felt before she…is this how Roger felt after?_

Mark felt tension rise in his stomach and course through his veins down to his fingertips. A burning anger filled him and he punched the couch with a strangled yell.

"DAMN IT!"

He punched the couch again. When his small outburst did nothing to squelch the sudden rage, it melted away and left a feeling of hollow despair in it's place. He let his arm come to rest on the couch and his shoulders rose and fell a few more times as the tears subsided. He was left feeling cold and numb.

_It doesn't matter. This is so pathetic. I'm so pathetic. Crying alone on the couch because I suddenly thought I could relate to someone. How could I be so stupid? I'll never know what April felt, or Roger. I've never had to go through what they've gone through. Maybe I'm just trying to justify feeling like shit by thinking that maybe my pain's the same as theirs. What right do I have? I'll never feel the pain and fever of withdrawal. I'll never feel my body slowly die from AIDS. I'll never watch my lover fade away in my arms. So why can't I just feel ok? Why can't I hold it together and be strong for everyone else? Why can't I stop making people worry about me, as if they don't have anything better to do?_

Mark found himself being lulled into a troubled sleep by the questions in his mind. His unconscious body curled in on itself, and he lay there shivering in his sleep as his thoughts began to form themselves into dark dreams.

**Same day, 3:35am**

Mark lay on the tattered couch in a half-asleep state, feeling numb and heavy. He could hear sounds filtering into his consciousness, but was having a hard time discerning what they were and where they were coming from. He couldn't seem to summon up the energy to open his eyes or move his limbs, or to really focus on the noises of the world around him.

He heard some shuffling noises, and what sounded like something heavy scraping across the floor following by a loud bang and click.

"Shhhh, Mark's asleep, you'll wake him up." Someone whispered.

Very slowly the fog in Mark's head began to lift and he began to start to make sense of the sounds. He could hear what sounded like several people scuffling and stumbling about. He picked out Maureen's giggle, and Collins deep chuckle.

_Sounds like the whole crew came back here to crash. Maybe I should wake up, say hi. Maybe I should just ignore them and go back to sleep._

He lay there, not wanting to move or give away the fact that he was awake yet. The fog was still in the process of fading away, but it it's place the various plagues that had been following him around for weeks began to make themselves known. A dull throb was starting in his temples, his eyes felt hot and sticky even while closed. His whole body felt sore and he could feel a vague sensation of nausea spreading through his stomach. Everything felt cold and damp again, like he had fallen asleep outside and dew had settled down on him. None of these things were particularly effective motivating factors for him to get up and greet his friends, who by the sounds of it had enjoyed their night quite a bit.

"Oh, man, that was hilarious. Did you see the look on that guy's face when Collins grabbed his ass and called him 'one fine specimen of mankind'. Priceless. I would have paid to have gotten that on film." Benny's low, smooth voice broke through Mark's musing on his physical state.

_Hmm… what was that all about? Collins was feeling frisky I take it._

Collins chuckled, and Mark could hear the familiar flick of a lighter followed by the smell of a freshly lit cigarette.

"He had a nice ass too." Collins said with the cigarette still between his lips.

"Yeah he did." Maureen said breathless. Mark could just picture the look Joanne would be giving her right about now. "But not as fine as my woman's!" She covered herself quickly, and judging by the sound of the squeal coming from Joanne, Maureen probably gave her ass a good squeeze.

"If our Marky was there he would have gotten it on film." Maureen said. Mark could hear more shuffles, and a door close.

_Sounded like the bathroom door. Hope no one is getting sick in there._

"Yeah he would have. Look at our boy. He's so cute when he's sleeping." Collins murmured, still sounding like that cigarette was dangling from his lips. "Poor boy fell asleep with his coat and shoes on. Yet he still manages to look cold."

"What do you think, Pookie? Do you think he's cute when he sleeps?" Maureen tried to whisper, but it came out more like a stage whisper.

There was a pause and Mark could hear someone flopping into the chair.

"Umm…I don't know. I've never seen him sleep before." Joanne's voice came from somewhere near the chair, Mark guessed. He heard a creaking noise and the sound of fabric rusting lightly, and then felt the air shift around him. Through his closed eyelids he could see the light change, like a cloud moving across the sun.

"He looks…..sick." Joanne whispered, this time she was directly in front of him. Mark guessed she was leaning over to get a better look.

_Ok, maybe I should officially wake up now that people are starting to examine me while I "sleep". Never a good thing, especially if I look sick. Thanks a lot Joanne for your flattering remarks._

More rustling sounds, air shifting. Another cloud moved across the sun.

"Awwww…. Marky's sick." Maureen cooed.

_Ok, that's my cue._

"Marky's not sick." Mark croaked, opening his eyes and squinting up at his audience. He cleared his throat and tried to blink away the sticky feeling in his eyes. It didn't work.

Joanne reached down and touched his forehead.

"She's right Mark. I think you have a fever." Joanne frowned. "You should be in bed. Come on, let me help you."

Before Mark could protest Joanne had gotten a hold of one of his arms, and Maureen gently grabbed onto the other. Together they slowly lifted Mark so he was sitting up.

Mark blinked and looked back and forth at the two women in front of him who were peering down at him with concerned eyes.

_Oooh, my girls. Who knew Maureen could be so reserved and gentle while drunk. I'm actually impressed! Damn, though, I think Joanne's right. I really haven't kicked that flu bug quite yet. I hope I don't pass this onto anyone. I should try to make a hasty exit and lock myself in my room._

Mark was too absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Collins walking up to stand between Maureen and Joanne. He also didn't realize he had closed his eyes again and was apparently starting to slide back down onto the couch, until he felt strong arms help him back up. His eyes fluttered back open.

"Thanks Collins." He breathed, feeling too tired to expend enough energy to talk any louder.

_Don't touch me Collins, I'll get you sick._ Mark said in his head. He actually meant to say it out loud, but his body didn't let him.

_Ok, bed. Now. Everything hurts._

Mark could feel Collins touching his forehead with his wrist, and squinted through his half closed eyelids at the man crouched down in front of him.

"Yeah, Mark. I'd say that bug you caught has definitely not gone away. I told you were going to relapse. You're not going to work tomorrow, right?"

"Hey, Mark's what's up?" Benny asked casually as he sauntered into the living room. He flopped down on the couch next to Mark and took in the scene before him. Maureen, Joanne, and Collins were all flanking Mark and looking at him with great concern.

Mark slowly turned to give Benny a helpless look, and mustered up enough strength to say, "They think I'm sick. So now they're just staring at me to see if I'll melt or boil…or…something." _That sounded brilliant. Note to self: do not try to sound intelligent when exhausted and feverish._

Benny quirked an eyebrow at Mark and tried to look amused, but Mark caught a worried glint in his dark eyes, one that is rarely seen from Benny. If you look close enough, though, it's there. And Mark had learned how to look beyond "close enough".

"Mm-hm. I knew you were coming down with something, the way you've been lookin' lately. You need to slow down, Marky boy. Why don't you go to bed and let me handle Buzzline in the morning, ok?"

_There he goes, taking care of business like always._

Mark smiled at his old friend and tapped Benny's knee before using it to push off with to stand. Mark's eyes involuntarily closed fast as he once again fell under the clutches of the aches and pains that had taken up residence in his body. He held his breath for a moment and hoped that no one could tell he was in pain. He was pretty sure however that he must look like someone 3 times his age the way he was taking forever to straighten out.

_Ok, Mark. Time to put on a good show for your adoring audience. All you have to do is open your eyes. Ok, that wasn't so bad. Now, just say goodnight and go to your room. It's not that far. Mark. You have to move your feet if you're going to make it there tonight._

Mark found it nearly impossible to actually pick up his feet, so he just slid them across the floor one at a time in some sort of walking fashion. "Ok, ladies and gents. I'm heading to bed." He said turning his head slightly in the direction of his friends. He was afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear they would see right through him and see how badly he was really feeling.

"Mark, you never answered my question. You will let Benny take care of Buzzline for you in the morning, won't you?" Collins asked moving slowly along side Mark, like he was making sure he could catch him in case he fell or something.

_Oh, crap. What the hell do I tell them? I really need the money, but I know I'm sick and I know they know, but I'd really rather not admit it. Damn it. Oh, no – and I told Mimi I would see her at 9:00! That's only leaves me with about 4 hours of sleep. Shit._

"It's fine, just a cold. I'm going to pre-register at Mimi's rehab at 9:00 in the morning so I can start visiting her, and I have to leave from there to get to work. Don't worry about it guys. If I feel worse after I leave the rehab, I'll stay home." He was rather proud of his little speech, thinking it was very convincing. He chanced a glance up at Collins with a small smile. However, even looking up hurt his head more and his eyes didn't seem to want to look that far up. So his eyes barely made a connection with Collins' before Mark had to blink rapidly and look back down. With the flare up of his headache, Mark's small smile faltered, and fell. He tried to turn his head away before Collins caught it and once again started his slow journey to his room. Mark cleared his throat, "Goodnight guys." He said softly, waved in the general direction of those behind him.

_I don't know how much longer I can keep from collapsing into a pathetic sniveling heap. I better hurry up and disappear. Funny how normally being somewhat invisible is a source of enormous angst for me, but when I actually want to be invisible, I can't figure out how I do it! Ok, just a few more steps. Why isn't anyone talking? Even Maureen's being quiet. This is eerie._

Mark glanced back over his shoulder to see everyone watching him shuffle to his room. He rolled his eyes and turned back around, "Geeze guys, find a hobby," he said with his back to his friends. Finally, Mark reached his destination and in a few more seconds he was safely inside his room with the door shut.

The short trip had taken all the strength he had, and he slid down the door, unable to make it the rest of the way to the bed. Mark sighed and let his chin fall against his chest. Now that he was behind closed doors he could let go and look as weak as he felt.

As he sat there on the floor, he slowly realized that he was trembling. He couldn't tell if it was from the fever, or the cold that was cutting through his still damp clothing, or because he was crying.

_Wait – I'm crying? When did I start crying? Damn, I'm such a fucking mess._

He would have screamed if he had the strength, but instead he just allowed himself to crumple there against the door, still fully clothed and freezing. He let his body shiver and quake with the tremors, and he let his tears drip down his face. He let his breath hitch and catch, until the moment passed, and his breathing evened, and his tears dried. He let himself cry himself to sleep again. And for the second time that night, Mark drifted into an uneasy sleep.


	11. But Before I Go

Just as a note, I've added the year, and what day of the week on all of the previous chapters, as well as this one. Thought it might make the timeline easier to follow.

I also realize I am dragging this out crazily. I've jumped ahead several days with this one to try to get things moving. I probably wasn't all that successful, but whatever. enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I still don't own RENT, and it's safe to say I never will **

**_Collins thoughts in italics_ **

**Collins POV**

**Monday, November 12, 1990 11:45 am**

"I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow." Mark said softly from his spot on the worn couch. He was busying himself by fiddling with his mug of tea and picking stray fibers from the couch. He had his knees drawn up, with his chin resting on top.

Collins glanced over at his friend and sighed. Lately Mark had been slipping in and out of these quiet and sad moods. Of course he had plenty of reason to be…moody, as they all did. It wasn't strange or unusual, but it was still hard to see non-the-less. Collins guessed that his new job he would be leaving for the following day was playing a big role in Mark's sullen state, but this was the first time Mark had mentioned it or alluded to the fact that it was bothering him.

"Yeah…it did come quickly didn't it?" Collins said as he walked over to the couch and sat next to Mark. He flung an arm loosely around Mark's hunched shoulders.

Mark looked up and smiled sadly, but didn't say a word.

Collins smiled back and gave his shoulders a little shake. Neither one continued the conversation. They each just sat there, Mark quietly sipping his tea, Collins in deep thought.

_He looks like such a lost little boy sometimes. Like right now. It's amazing how he can still look like that after his years in the city, after everything that's happened, everything he's seen. There are times, though when he looks so hardened and weathered – and it's those times that get me the most worried. Sometimes I wish he would get out of here, move away from the city to somewhere peaceful and beautiful. I want him to go somewhere safe where he won't have to experience the pain of this life that we've all chosen, so he can keep that little boy charm and innocence._

Collins shook his head and sighed again. It never paid to keep on that train of thought. He knew Mark would never leave. At least not as long as he still had his friends. He glanced at Mark again who was still fiddling with his mug, looking distant and forlorn. He took in his friend's appearance as quickly as he could without getting caught staring. Mark hadn't been feeling well the past week or so, and it was painfully obvious to everyone else that he was quite sick, but Mark would never admit to how bad he must have been feeling. That was standard for the boy though, he never wanted to let anyone know if he was hurting or struggling with anything. Collins knew from experience that if it was evident to everyone around him that Mark wasn't feeling well, then he must be really miserable since Mark was typically the master of covering those things up.

_I think he looks a little better today, I think… maybe. His color is better. I wonder if he had any breakfast this morning before I got up._

Collins had to resist the urge to reach out and feel the boy's forehead just to make sure his fever was still gone. The past week Mark had been fairly up and down health-wise. His fever had returned Monday night, or more accurately early Tuesday morning, when the gang came back to the loft, a little drunk, to find Mark sleeping on the couch. When Mark retreated into his room Benny announced that he was going to drive Mark over to Safe Harbor in the morning and make sure that he at least didn't have to walk or ride his bike all over town if he was adamant about going to work. In the morning Collins, Benny, and Mark all rode over to Safe Harbor to "pre-register" for visits. True to her word the dancer was there, hanging around the front desk when the boys arrived and was able to sneak in a hug each before being ushered away.

As predicted, Mark insisted on going to work that morning, even though it was clear he was still running a fever and he looked like he could stand to spend the day in bed. Collins couldn't help but notice that Mark kept wincing when he sat down, stood up, or twisted at the waist, but Mark kept blowing it off whenever Collins asked him about it. It wasn't until the boys went to have their first official visit with Mimi on Wednesday that the truth came out in the form of Mimi spilling the story of the attempted robbery. Benny was pissed at first, and Collins was concerned about how the experience affected Mark. But Mark diffused the situation by relaying how one of the kids was convinced he had valuable underwear and wanted to see them. They all had a good laugh at the young punks' expense. Collins and Benny kept a sharp eye on Mark the following days to make sure the effects from the punch would go away.

Mark still seemed exhausted, but his fever had gone down by the end of the day that Wednesday. By the end of the day on Thursday he wasn't wincing when he moved anymore. He didn't miss any work, and had been visiting Mimi everyday. Benny had become his chauffeur of sorts, and Collins was glad that was one kindness Mark allowed someone to give him. It was good for Benny too though - to be in the company of friends again. He hadn't said it in so many words, but Collins could tell Benny had been lonely and missed being around the old crew. And Mark could certainly use the lift.

Even with his daily visits to Mimi's rehab, they still had their nightly chats that lasted for an hour, or two, or three. Mark wasn't getting much sleep, and it seemed as though their talks both energized and drained him. Collins hadn't decided which was more important, for Mark to be getting more sleep, or for him to have that connection with Mimi every night. From the sounds of the bits of conversation he would catch from time to time, Mark was able to open up to the tiny girl more then he had to most people since Collins had known him. He couldn't help but feel hopeful that the two were providing the comfort and support each other needed.

"So… tell me about this new job. Where are you running off to again?" Mark interrupted Collins' thoughts.

Collins cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter on the couch. "I'm actually really excited about this place. It's a private Liberal Arts college in western Massachusetts. It's really geared toward mentorship as opposed to just lecturing. They try to encourage individual curiosity and the kids who go there tend to be very self-motivated. I think it'll be a welcome change for me. I'll get to teach kids who actually want to learn."

"Wow, that sounds perfect for you. What's the tuition like? You just might be convincing me to go back to school if you're not careful. Do they have a good film program?" Mark finally tore his eyes away from his mug and smirked at Collins to let him know he wasn't exactly serious.

Collins snorted, "That would be interesting, me teaching at the same college you're attending as a student. Um, I really don't know about cost, or all the programs yet. But, if you want I can bring some info back with me next month."

Mark smiled shyly and shook his head. "Na, that's ok. I'd never be able to afford it. And I _know _my parents wouldn't be footing the bill this time. Not that I'd want them to." Mark said the last part so quietly Collins could barely hear.

"Mark, you talked to Roger lately?" Collins stood up and stretched.

"Uh, no…not since…um, maybe 5 or 6 days ago? M'not sure. I should call him soon. See how he's doing…" Mark's voice had gotten quiet again, as though he was talking more to himself than to Collins.

"Yeah me too. I should buy a bunch of Stoli and have a big going away bash and tell him all about the good time he missed. Poor bastard." Collins lit up a cigarette and headed over to the balcony. "I'm gonna go fill my lungs with smoke out in the fresh air. Care to join me?"

Collins waited for a couple seconds for Mark to respond, but he was just sitting there on the couch with his head on his knees.

"Mark?"

"Oh, uh, yeah in a minute." Mark said glancing back at Collins briefly before putting his head back down.

"Ok." Collins wrinkled his brow and paused in the open window. "You ok, Mark?"

Mark looked up with a truly perplexed expression on his face as though that was the most bizarre question ever. "Yeah." He said softly before returning his head to his knees.

Collins nodded even though Mark wasn't looking at him and stepped out onto the balcony.

_Man, I wish I knew what was going on in that head of his. Today he looks like he's feeling better, but he's so quiet and he looks like he's deep in thought about something. Is it just because I'm leaving or is there something else on his mind?_

Collins leaned against the railing and took a drag from his cigarette.

_What a strange couple weeks it's been. I still can't believe Angel's gone._

Without even realizing it he slipped his hand in his pocket and found himself turning the small object inside over and over again in his hand. It slowly dawned on him what he was doing and he smiled to himself and took the object out of his pocket.

It was Angel's belt buckle from the Santa outfit she wore the day she met Roger and Mark. Collins held it up to the morning sun and watched as the light reflected off the rhinestones and made patterns on his skin.

"I miss you." Collins whispered to himself. A light breeze brushed over him as he stood there and he tilted his head up toward the sky and closed his eyes. A few tears trailed down his cheeks, but the chilled breeze worked quickly to dry them.

_I find the love of my life, only to lose her less than a year later. That's almost laughably tragic. Not even a week ago I was going through her things – bawling like a baby, laughing like a madman- like a scene in a movie. Of course that long episode was followed by much drinking, followed by watching Mark walk around like the undead for a couple days, followed by hearing about his little run in with two punk-ass robbers._

Collins chuckled at that thought of Mark's description of the two kids, shaking his head.

"That would only happen to Mark." He said to no one in particular.

"What would only happen to Mark?" Mark's voice, small and curious said suddenly from the open window.

Collins turned and smiled while Mark climbed out onto the balcony to join him. The two friends stood next to each other, both leaning on the railing, looking out at the city.

Mark turned to look at Collins, a thoughtful expression on his face. "You've been crying." He stated softly.

Collins nodded and looked down at the buckle in his hands. "Just a little." Beat. "I miss her."

"I know." Mark said, reaching out to take Collins' hand. "I thought I heard her laughing the other day…in the loft. No one else was here. It was just me, and Angel's voice. Her laugh was still contagious." Mark breathed a small laugh and squeezed Collins hand before letting it go.

Collins looked at Mark and laughed. "Yeah, I've had those moments. Just now I thought I could feel her fingertips in the breeze."

Mark smiled and looked down at his hands. "Don't know whether to laugh or cry, right?" He looked up at Collins searchingly.

"Yeah. Sometimes it's both at the same time."

Another moment of silence.

"I was thinking about closure." Mark said slowly, staring out in front of him.

_Hmm…I wonder where he's going with this._

"It's over rated."

_Ummm ok._

"Ok. Elaborate." Collins shifted so that he was leaning on the railing on one elbow, facing Mark – who continued to look out in front of him at the dingy New York streets.

He paused before continuing. "Well…there are certain things I'd rather not be closed for good. Like…someone's life, their impact, their memory…their laugh. I'd rather not have closure."

_Ah, that's where he was going._

"Yeah, I get that. I guess I feel the same when you define closure that way." He held Angel's buckle up in the air briefly and chuckled. "Guess I'm leaving that door open, too."

"Do you feel like you're moving on with this new job? Or do you think the new job is completely unrelated?"

_Good question Mark._

"Um… a little of both I guess. I wouldn't have taken the job if Angel was still here. But at the same time…I don't feel as though I'm taking it solely because I need a change or to distance myself. I think that as much as it hurts, and as much as I don't understand how someone like Angel could have suffered so much or been taken away from me – from us – that it was all meant to be. If she wasn't sick, and I was, then I don't think we would have been together. Same with Roger and Mimi. If Angel hadn't died, I don't know that Mimi would have made the decision when she did to get clean. I know you noticed that she hadn't been looking too healthy lately, which makes me think that she couldn't have gone on the way she had been much longer, so that's a blessing. If Roger and Mimi didn't break up, and if Angel hadn't died Roger may never have gotten up the courage to venture outside of the city, or even just the loft."

Mark snorted.

"I don't fully understand why he left, either. And I'm undecided whether or not it was the best decision, but I can't know what's best for him. This will be good for him in a lot of ways I think. Hard, lonely, painful, but good."

Mark coughed into his arm and nodded, still staring straight ahead.

"This job might be the position I've been hoping to find for years now. I have a really good feeling about it, and I would never had accepted the offer if Angel was still with us."

"Yeah," Mark breathed. "And I don't think Maureen and Jo would have realized how much they loved and needed each other so quickly if she hadn't been taken away from us either. Maybe eventually…but…I think that was Angel's doing. And I think she even managed to melt Benny's heart somehow. He's becoming the old Benny again."

"I think you're right." Collins flung an arm around his friend.

_What about you Mark? How has all of this helped to mold your life?_

"So maybe it's not moving on. Maybe it's just moving forward…taking what you've been given and growing." Mark said, leaning into Collins' half hug.

"Yeah. Maybe."

The two stood like that for a few minutes, enjoying the cool November breeze.

Collins felt Mark begin to shiver as he was pressed to his side. _Or maybe I'm the only enjoying the breeze._

"You're shivering, Mark. Let's go back inside." He said, rubbing Mark's arm to try to warm him up.

Mark was staring at the ground, but Collins could see him swallow and nod his head.

"Hey. You ok?"

Mark gave a short laugh, but kept his head down. "You keep asking me that."

Collins paused, waiting to see if he was actually going to answer the question. He didn't.

_Ok, back to avoiding my questions, I see._

Collins ruffled Mark's fine, blonde hair. "If you don't say anything I'm going to assume that you're not ok."

"I'm fine, Collins." Mark glanced up briefly before ducking his head again and slipping past Collins to step back inside. He had a smirk on his face, but Collins was still wondering why Mark refused to look him in the eye.

_What are you afraid of Mark? You can show me what's inside you know. Just talk to me. Pretend I'm Mimi if that helps._

"You never answered my question." Mark called over his shoulder as Collins climbed back inside and closed the window.

"What question was that?"

"What would only happen to Mark?" Mark was still talking over his shoulder while he made another mug of tea.

Collins chuckled and walked over to lean against the counter near Mark. "Oh….that question. I was just thinking about your robber friends. I can just picture them all nervous, trying to be scary and then accidentally flashing a water gun and asking you to give them your underwear." Collins' chuckle turned into a full on guffaw.

Mark shook his head and laughed through his nose.

"I'm sorry – I'm probably not supposed to find it funny… but damn. Your underwear?" He was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face.

Mark shook his head again. "That was pretty funny. I wonder if they ever realized how idiotic they sounded."

Collins sniffed and wiped away his tears. "I doubt it. So, Mark – how does it feel to have been robbed by the bottom 3rd of the population?"

Mark leaned against the counter with his cup of tea cupped in his hands and looked thoughtful for a moment. "I don't know. It was weird. I think I must have been a combination of really irritated and scared. It was one of those situations where I didn't really have the energy to make an effort to look properly impressed. There were a few moments there though that I thought I might pee my pants. Like before I knew that the guys' "gun" was a water pistol. They were so on edge that I wouldn't have been surprised if they just decided to shoot me out of pure fear and panic."

His expression changed from thoughtful to amused and he smirked up at Collins. "But man, once I saw that the gun wasn't real…then I was annoyed that they were wasting my time when I could be sleeping, but I really wanted to bust out laughing. And then the underwear thing…. oh my word. Priceless." Mark laughed quietly. "If I see them around I'm going to have to find out if they've been honing their bad-ass robbing skills. I feel kind of bad for them. I should have just given them my underwear." Mark kept a straight face for a couple beats before smiling a slow, wide smile and taking a sip of his tea.

"I would have paid to see that. Maybe you should buy a package of underwear just in case they stop by again so you'll have something to give them."

Mark snorted, "Yeah, I should." He smiled at Collins, and then caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall behind him. "Oh, shit. I gotta go. I told Mimi I'd stop by around 12:30 to say hi before work. Shit. I'm going to be late." He gulped down his tea and started running around the loft collecting his things.

_He's like the white rabbit. Is he still shivering? I wonder if he'll actually eat lunch._

"What time you workin' today?" He asked, still leaning casually on the counter, watching Mark flit around the apartment.

"Uh…1:30. Shit. I won't have much time to visit with Mimi today." He was already making himself breathless.

"Benny can't take you today?"

"Uh, no. Not today. He had something to do for work I guess." Mark threw his coat on and slung his messenger bag onto his shoulder and looked around to make sure he had everything. "What time are we meeting everyone at the Life tonight?

"Oh, uh…how about 8:00?" Collins scratched his head and yawned.

Mark paused for a moment, counting off the hours in his head. "Ok. I think I can make that"

"Just tell your boss you have to leave at 7:30. What are you doing for lunch today?" Collins tried to make it sound like casual conversation instead of fishing for information.

Mark looked distracted and spun around in place, looking as though he was forgetting something. He ran a hand through his hair and gave up his search, finally going to the door and pulling it open.

_Didn't I just ask him a question?_

Mark walked out the door and started pulling it shut before stopping and sticking his head back in. "Sorry, you just asked me something didn't you?" Collins could see a blush forming on his cheeks.

Collins shook his head and laughed, "Boy, where is your head? I asked what you were doing for lunch."

"Oh." Mark was looking very sheepish, "I don't know. Usually someone makes a lunch run at some point…so maybe I'll order a sandwich or something. I'll see ya!" Mark waved and ducked back out the door, closing it behind him.

**6:25pm**

Collins was whistling as he bounded up the stairs two at a time to the loft. He was just coming back from meeting Maureen and Joanne at Safe Harbor to visit Mimi. She was in really high spirits, and really loved having the girls there. The three of them seemed like a fairly unlikely group of friends, but they had really grown to love and care for each other. It was good for Mimi to have another female presence for once, too. It was something she seemed to lack most of the time.

He threw the keys down on the counter and flung his coat onto one of the hooks on the wall by the door.

_Oh, wait. That's Mark's coat… and his messenger bag. Good, he must have gotten home early. Good for him._

Collins resumed whistling and wandered around the loft looking for his little buddy. Mark's bedroom door was closed, so Collins listened for any sign of life and could hear some light snoring coming from behind the door.

Collins smiled at the closed door, oh good he needs his sleep. As soon as the thought entered his mind, though, it was replaced by another thought that wiped the smile off his face. _Wait, Mark never comes home early. Damn, he better not have a fever again. I swear that boy can't take care of himself for shit._

His eye caught the blinking red light on the answering machine. Still thinking about Mark's health, he slowly wandered over the machine and hit "play".

BEEP

"Hey Mark, it's Mimi. I know you're at work since it's… 5:15, but Collins called and is on his way over and it made me feel like saying hi. I wish we could have had a longer visit today. Have fun tonight with Collins and the gang. Eat that orange I gave you ok? Oh, and did you take anything for that headache? If you're too tired or aren't feeling up to it tonight, I don't want you to feel obligated to have our usual nightly chat, ok Mark? I'll see you tomorrow I hope. I love you."

"Awwww." Collins couldn't help but coo at the machine. _She gave him an orange? That's my girl. That sucks Mark had a headache. Maybe that's why he's home early._

Collins glanced back towards Mark's closed door and sighed.

BEEP

"Hey, uh, I hope I have the right number." Collins turned his attention back to the machine at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. "I'm calling for Mark, uh…Mark Cohen? Th-this is Daniel from Buzzline, uh…Danny Leonard."

_Geeze spit it out, dude._

"I just wanted to make sure you got home ok. You really gave us a scare today. I hope Alexi gave you a ride home. Hey, uh…just call me if you need me to cover for you tomorrow or anything, ok? 212-479-7772. Take care."

"What the hell?" Collins sat down on the couch and rubbed his head. "I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell that message was referring to. Jesus Mark."

BEEP

"Hey, uh… nice outgoing message, this has got to be the right place."

Collins looked back at the machine again, another unfamiliar voice. This time it was female.

"Oh, it's Tiana by the way. Uh, Danny told me that you passed out in the editing room today. I told you that would happen if you didn't start eating a lunch everyday you skinny-mini."

Collins shook his head and lit up a cigarette. He could tell the girl on the machine was trying really hard to not sound overly worried. There was a pause in the message. He could hear Tiana clear her throat.

"He also told me you were just going home and not the hospital. Mark, I swear I'm going to harrass you everyday of my life until you get your tiny white ass in to see a doctor. Are you hearing me? I don't want to see you tomorrow unless it's because you need a ride to the doctor's. Call me if you want to set that up, ok? 212-741-9700. We love you. Bye."

Collins let out a frustrated growl and pushed himself up off the couch and started pacing around the loft.

"Damn it, Mark. You don't just decide to pass out the day before I leave for Massachusetts." He grunted and stepped out onto the balcony to get some air.

_I can't fucking believe this. I hope Roger figures out what he's doing with his life in a hurry because I'm not liking the idea of Mark staying here alone right now. Damn it._

Collins finished his cigarette and stepped back into the loft. He listened at Mark's door again…it sounded like the deep, even breathing of someone asleep.

_Still asleep. Maybe we should just have a low-key goodbye party at the loft tonight instead of at the Life._

He paced around some more, unsure of what to do with himself, before deciding to make some phone calls.

_Fuck this, I'm calling Roger. See if I can speed up his enlightening process or whatever it is he's going through out there._

"Hello?"

"Hey, Roger, it's Collins."

"Hey, Collins, man."

"Hey."

"What's up, you don't sound too happy. Everything ok?"

_Wonderful, your best friend is slowly killing himself, everything's fine._

"Sorry. I'm fine. How 'bout you? You doing ok?" Collins couldn't seem to keep the frustation from his voice.

"Yeahhh." Roger said slowly, suspiciously. "I got my AZT in the mail a couple days ago… thanks man."

"You're welcome." _How do I do this without freaking him out? Maybe I should freak him out._

"Collins, what the hell. You said you're fine, as though someone else isn't. So who is it? What's going on. I can tell you've called for a particular reason." Roger's frustrated tone matched Collins.

Collins sighed and rubbed his eyes. He glanced at Mark's closed door again and hoped he was still asleep so he wouldn't overhear the conversation.

"Yeah, I did. You know I'm leaving tomorrow for Mass. to start my new teaching job, right?"

"Um, yeah I guess I knew that. How are you getting there?" He could hear Roger light up a cigarette on the other end.

"By bus, leaving late morning."

"Ok. I know that's not why you're calling, so spill.?" It sounded like Roger was losing patience. "Sorry, I just have to leave in a few minutes for work. It's not that I don't want to talk."

"No, that's fine. You're right I didn't call to chat about my new job." Collins cleared his throat, and lit up another cigarette. "It's Mark."

Roger sighed, "What is Mark? If you're calling me to get me all worried and he just has a cold he can't shake, or allergies or something I'm going to be pissed. So what's his problem now?"

Collins took a drag off his cigarette. _Damn it Roger, why do you always have to be such an ass?_

"He's sleeping right now, got home from work early. There were a couple messages on the machine from a couple people from his work. It seems he passed out at work today."

Pause.

"Shit." Pause. "Shit, man. What the hell. Passed out? Jesus." Roger wasn't always the most articulate when he was worried.

"Yeah. He hasn't been feeling well for a while now. You know when I told you before about finding him throwing up in the bathroom and carrying him to bed? Well, I don't think he's ever fully kicked whatever it is he had. I mean, he has good days, but…his fever comes and goes. I never see him eat. There have been a few times I swear I can hear him getting sick in the bathroom. He looks like death half the time, and he's so skinny." He took another drag, trying to clear his worried thoughts to figure out a way to convince Roger to come home.

"You know, it's always the ones who never get sick. They really go down hard when they actually do get sick. He was probably just building it up, ya know? Have one big sick fest, and then not get as much as a cold again for another 5 years. Has he seen a doctor yet or anything?"

"Rog, this is Mark. Of course he hasn't seen anyone."

"I know." Roger breathed. "I know."

Pause.

"Roger…I don't what to do here. I'm leaving tomorrow. He'll be staying here by himself…he's obviously not taking care of himself. He won't stop working, and he's visiting Mimi everyday and having hours long conversations with her everynight. He's always up at the crack of dawn, I know he doesn't sleep well. I know it's Mark, and he's always been fine. I know he's grown boy, but… I just…it's making me feel really uneasy thinking about him being here alone, that's all."

Pause.

"Collins, I don't know if I can come home yet. I don't think I'm ready. You're probably just making yourself worried for no reason. Come on, Thomas. You're the one with your head on straight, you know he'll be fine. Maybe today will be a wake up call. Besides, Benny and the girls are around. And you know Mimi will send someone to check on him if he misses a visit, or a phone call. It's fine. He probably just has low iron in his blood or something. No big deal. My sister used to get anemic and black out, it was nothing."

Collins could hear the worry in Roger's voice, despite his words. He knew he was trying to make him feel better, but it really wasn't working. He also knew that Roger was stubborn, and that he had already made up his mind not to come home right away.

"You're probably right. Benny's been coming around a lot anyway, driving him to see Mimi and stuff. With Mark's diet he probably is anemic. I'll be back in a month anyway. I'm just there for orientation, classes don't start until after Christmas, so…I won't be gone that long."

"Maybe I'll see you when you get back, then. You have my number right? Call me when you get settled up there. I gotta get to work." Roger took another drag.

"Yeah, I have your number. I called you just now didn't I? I'm sorry if I just ruined your day. I'm just….really concerned." Collins stood up and moved over to the phone table.

"No problem. It's good to be…informed. Just don't worry yourself the whole way to Mass., ok? I'll talk to you later. Tell Mark to call me when he feels up to it."

"Will do. Have fun at work."

"Yeah, thanks. Bye, Col."

"Bye."

_Well, so much for convincing him to take the next bus back here. I wonder if he'd be more apt to do it if I sent him a bus ticket. Hmm… actually that's not a half bad idea. Maybe I'll buy a one way from Santa Fe to New York tomorrow at the terminal and mail it off to him._

Collins just stood by the phone, smoking his cigarette, wondering what to do next.

_I guess I better call everyone and tell them to just come here tonight instead. I hope it won't be too much for Mark to have everyone over. I'll just have to make sure they all leave early so he can get to bed._

**20 minutes later…**

"I'll see you later, thanks Benny."

Collins hung up the phone and looked around for the closest ashtray to deposit his cigarette that had long since burned out, before once again listening at Mark's door to make sure he was alright.

This time his breathing seemed to be a little irratic and he could hear the swish of movement on the sheets. He leaned closer to the door. A moan drifted through the old wood. Followed by a muffled whimper and some indecipherable mumblings.

_Doesn't sound like a sound sleep to me. Maybe I should wake him up. Damn it, poor kid can't catch a break. Can't even have a decent nap._

Collins pushed the door open as quietly as he could, not that it mattered since he was planning on waking him up anyway.

Even in the dark room Collins could catch the glimmer of tear tracks on Mark's cheeks as he turned his head toward Collins in his fitful sleep. His blonde brows were furrowed in discomfort and his lips were moving, but only mumbles and moans were heard. The dim light gave Mark's pale skin a deathly bluish hue, and it glowed with a thin sheen of sweat. Moving closer, Collins could see his face more clearly, and his closed eyelids were shadowed and dark in contrast to his glowing skin.

_I wonder if he's still having that same dream._

Mark tossed again, causing the threadbare blanket and sheet to slide off his torso. He was wearing a thin white tshirt that used to fit him rather snugly. Collins felt tears fill his eyes as he took in the shrinking form of his friend. He knew Mark had been losing weight, but since he normally saw him wearing sweaters, coats, and thick cordoroys it was easy to miss just how thin he had become. Collins watched sadly as Mark's bones could be seen through the tshirt. He watched Mark shift, and tried not to let out a audible gasp to see how stretched his skin looked across his bones and muscles.

"Oh Mark," he breathed, crouching down next to Mark's "bed".

Mark's eyes fluttered, but didn't open. Another tear rolled down Mark's cheek.

_Crying in your sleep. I wish I could help you. I wish you would let someone help you._

"Mark," Collins whispered, lightly touching Mark's arm.

"Let me go," Mark whispered in his sleep, still in the throws of whatever tormenting dream he was having.

Collins sighed and gave Mark's arm a light shake. "Mark, wake up."

Mark's eyes fluttered and opened partly before closing again.

He tried again, "Mark, come on buddy. Time to wake up." Another light shake.

This time Mark's eyes fluttered open and blinked a few times. "Hmm? Wha- what is it? Collins? Are you ok? Are you crying?" With each question he became more and more altert util his eyes were open wide and he sat up to give Collins his full attention. Only sitting up quickly after just waking up from a dead sleep seconds before didn't seem to work all that well. Squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw, Mark brought a hand to his head and slowly lowered himself back down onto the mattress.

Collins placed a hand on Mark's forehead, and sure enough, he was burning up.

"Stupid flu." Mark mumbled, smiling a tiny smile and looking at Collins through one half opened eye.

"Mark-"

"It's fine, Collins. Just the flu. It's going around at work. We all keep passing it back and forth. Don't worry."

_Don't worry, my ass. You're not seeing yourself from this angle, my friend._

Collins just looked at his sick friend for a moment, contemplating how to bring up the incident at work. He finally decided just to come out with it.

"You have a few messages on the machine. Two of then were from people from Buzzline. You wanna tell me what the hell happened today?" _That came out a little more like a stern parental questioning than I had hoped, but oh well._

Mark stiffened, then collected himself and slowly pushed himself up so he was leaning against the wall. "No-nothing really. I went home early. I wasn't feeling very good. I guess you already figured that out. Why, what did the messages say?"

"Mark, give it up. You're a terrible liar."

Mark looked deflated. Collins reached out for his hand. It was trembling and cold, and Collins subconsciously began rubbing it with his thumb.

"Jesus, Mark. You're not supposed to go passing out at work the day before I move out!" He tried to sound joking, but he ended up sounding desperate.

"Sorry." Mark said softly, staring down at their hands.

Collins pulled Mark into a hug. Mark's slender shoulders started shaking, and Collins could hear his breath catching in his throat. The tears that had formed in his own eyes spilled out, and the two friends silently cried in each other's arms.

"You have to promise me you'll get better." Collins whispered, his voice thick with tears.

"I will. I promise."

Sorry I sort of ended that more abruptly than normal, but it couldn't be helped.

Reviews are always welcome!


	12. The Bell Jar

**Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Not even a drop **

**_Mark's thoughts in italics _**

**Mark's POV **

**Tuesday, November 13, 1990 10:30am**

"You better get going, you're going to miss your taxi." _That sounded like the biggest goodbye cliché ever._

Collins wrapped his strong arms around Mark's shoulders and held him for a couple minutes.

"I'll call you when I find out my phone number and all that rot. I want you to call for anything – anytime. Ok, Mark?"

"Yeah, ok." _I seem to be doing these goodbyes things a little too frequently. You'd think I'd get used to it by now._

"Mark?"

"Yeah?" Mark kept his head down, not looking Collins in the eye.

"I know you don't want the whole gang to know, but I will tell _everyone_ that you passed out at work the moment I get even the slightest inkling that you're not getting any better, or that you're not taking care you yourself – still. You hear me?" Collins was holding Mark by the shoulders.

Mark nodded mutely. _I can fake good health over the phone can't I? I don't know, though, Collins might be the only person who could hear someone having a headache from miles away._

"Mark look at me."

_Oh why does he always insist on eye contact? That sort of thing can be very dangerous with Collins._

Mark lifted his head up slightly and begrudgingly shifted his eyes to look into Collins'.

"I know you'd rather everyone think _you're _fine and _everything's_ fine, but I can't be several hours away and live with the knowledge that you could be really sick, or that you could black out in the hallway or something - and since no one knows to check up on you…." Collins closed his eyes briefly to collect his thoughts. "Just….I'll respect your privacy and your pride as long as I don't think it's endangering you, ok? I beg you though, please find someone to talk to – to keep informed. That Tiana girl from Buzzline, Benny, whoever. Ok?"

Mark sighed. "You mean you want me to have a safety/emergency plan? Should I get one of those medical alert bracelets?" He smirked at his long time friend.

Collins smiled back, "Yeah, Mark. Call it whatever you want. Your friends are here to help if you let them know you need it. And there are at least two decent people at Buzzline who seem to give a rip." Collins looked at his friend, silently willing Mark to listen to him for once.

_But I'm supposed to be here for my friends when they need me, not the other way around! Oh who am I kidding… I know these things aren't supposed to be one sided. But if everyone thinks I'm weak than they won't come to me when they need me. Why is he looking at me like that? I think he's searching my eyes for a sign that I'm going to obey him…ok Mark, look convincing now, lie through your eyes, lie through you eyes!_

Collins nodded and broke eye contact. With his hands still firmly planted on Mark's shoulders, he gave Mark a gentle, yet effective shove onto the couch.

"Oof." _There he goes again with his man handling!_

Collins pointed a stern finger at the small blonde in front of him. "You. Lie down. Sleep. And stay like that for a couple of days. You called Buzzline right, tell them you need the next couple of days off?"

Mark rolled his eyes, "Yes, mom. That's all set."

_Oh, no. Mimi will be expecting me though! And we had a really short talk last night… I should have told her then I wouldn't be coming in. Well… maybe I'll have the energy to go see her, just for a little bit. I should call Benny… see if he'll bring me._ Sitting there on the couch though, he began to notice that he really was exhausted. _He was still feeling a little weak and unsteady on his feet after yesterday's incident. Well, maybe after a nap._

"Mark, what? I can see you thinking." Collins said suspiciously.

"Oh, uh, I didn't call Meems… she'll be expecting me. I, uh… do you, do you think it would be ok if I-" Mark started fidgeting with the edge of the couch cushion he was sitting on.

Collins cocked an eyebrow at him. "No Mark. Uh-uh. If you're contagious she doesn't need your sorry germs, ok? Here," Collins grabbed the phone and stretched it across so it was sitting on the coffee table within Mark's reach. "Just call her. But don't talk for 3 hours at a time – you need your sleep. Mimi will understand. Besides, she's got Benny and the girls visiting, too."

Mark felt completely lost and dejected. Like some great purpose had been instantly taken away from him and he was left with a feeling of emptiness. All he could do was nod numbly.

_He's right. As usual. I shouldn't be going. She'll be ok. It's not like I'm some great help to her while I'm there anyway. She really doesn't need me. It's fine. She'll be fine. I'm fine._

Collins ruffled Mark's hair. Mark blinked and looked up at him and forced himself to smile.

"Time for me to blow on outa here. I'll be in touch, Mark. I love you, man." His hand lingered on Mark's head.

Mark nodded and swallowed that danged lump that seemed to enjoy paying him semi-frequent visits recently.

_Smile smile smile._

"Love you too. Safe journeying. I'll see you in a month." _See, this is good. A month is nothing. It'll feel like I blinked._

Collins regarded Mark for a moment, shook his head and chuckled, "Medical alert bracelet…" He stuck a cigarette between his lips, hoisted his bags over his shoulders, and with a wave and a wink -was out the door.

Mark kept the small, fake smile on his lips for a few minutes after Collins disappeared out the door, and it clicked shut behind him. He just sat there, listening to his footsteps grow quieter as his friend made his way down the long staircase. He heard the door of the taxi waiting outside open and close. He heard the taxi accelerate and then listened to the sound of it's engine slowly fade into the distance. And the smile fell away.

**6:15pm**

BANG!

"Whha…what? Just a minute…" Mark groaned, being rudely awakened by deafening raps on the heavy metal door to the loft wasn't the most desirable way he could have thought of to wake up. He sat up, but remained seated with his head in his hands for a minute.

BANG BANG BANG

"Mark? I know you're home, open up. MARK!"

_Who is that? Maureen?_

"POOKIE – open up! I know how to pick a lock!"

_Yep…Maureen._

"Just a minute!" Mark used up precious energy just to yell as loudly as he could. He hoped he sounded as annoyed as he felt.

_Well, at least that shut her up. What the hell is her problem? She probably has some more material for me to film that absolutely could not wait until tomorrow._

Mark rubbed his face and pushed off the couch with a heavy sigh. He shuffled sleepily over to the door, unlocked it, and shuffled back to the couch without opening it. _Today I will be Roger. I will just continue doing what I was doing and not cater to anyone. Today I will be an ass._

"You can come in now, it's unlocked!" He called to the closed door as he curled back up on his side. _Dang, I should have grabbed a blanket while I was up. It's chilly in here._

Mark heard the door slide open. He gave a tired smile in the general direction of the door, but decided to be rude and just close his eyes and stay in his ball instead of getting up to entertain Maureen.

"Oh, Pookie…are you still sick?" Maureen cooed.

He felt a warm hand brush his hair off his forehead and check the temperature. He found himself feeling guilty about being so rude when she was being so sweet, and cracked open one eye and smiled up at her again.

"Hey, Mo. Just catching up on some sleep." He was about to close his eyes again when he noticed that she wasn't the only person there. Joanne and Benny were standing behind Maureen, both looking concerned, and uncomfortable.

"Oh, hey guys. Sorry I'm being such a pooper." _Pooper? Apparently today I am also going to revert back to grade school. _"Collins left…well, what time is it?" Mark sat up and squinted at the clock. "He left seven and a half hours ago or so. Were you hoping to catch him?" He yawned and rubbed the top of his head.

_I could just fall asleep sitting up. I guess it's not such a bad idea to take a couple days off. Wow, I've been sleeping for seven hours? I can't remember the last time I slept for that long uninterrupted._

Maureen sat down on one side of him, and Joanne sat down on the other. Benny stood several feet away, looking somewhat out of place. He was dressed nicely, and Mark figured he had just come back from some work meeting, or would be heading off to one shortly. Mark patted the girls' knees and leaned back, resting his head on the top of the couch's back.

Benny chuckled, "You guys are cute. But, uh, no – we knew Collins would be gone. We just got back from seeing Mimi. She was looking for you. I told her that you weren't feeling well and that she might not be seeing you for the next couple of days."

Mark frowned. "Damn it. I was going to call her. I fell asleep. She's ok isn't she? How did she look?" Mark sat up and scratched the back of his neck nervously. _I can't believe I didn't call her. Poor Mimi, she must have been waiting around, wondering where I was. I hope she doesn't think I've forgotten about her or that I don't care anymore. I hope she's not lonely or depressed…_

Benny, chuckled again and took a seat in the chair. "Mark, my boy, It's ok. She's fine. She had a good day today. She was able to eat every meal and keep it down, she looked good. She's doing really well."

Mark swallowed and forced a smile in Benny's direction. _Ok, relax, she's doing well. It's ok. You're not that much of a vital part of her life that she's going to fall apart just because she doesn't see you for a day or two._

Joanne took Mark's hand that was still resting on her knee and gave it a squeeze. "She was glad to know that you're taking a couple days off. In fact, she wants you to stay at home and really rest this time. She'd probably get the staff to kick you out if you showed up anyway." She winked at Mark, who sent another forced smile her way.

Maureen followed suit, squeezing Mark's hand and trying to be encouraging, "Yeah, Marky. I think she may the first person in rehab history to actually gain weight while going through withdrawal. She's lookin' smokin'!" She added the last part rather enthusiastically. Mark snorted and raised an eyebrow at his ex-girlfriend, who was too busy winking at Joanne and mouthing "But not as smokin' as you baby" to notice.

Benny stood up and wandered into the kitchen. "Oh, and Mark. Mimi will be coming home in two weeks. Well, two weeks and one day." He called over his shoulder while opening and closing Mark's cabinets.

Mark sat up straight, "Wow, really? Two weeks? That's great! She must be so excited…I hope that's, I mean do you think she'll be…two weeks…"

Benny snorted from the kitchen, Maureen laughed in his ear, and Joanne rubbed his back.

"Calm down, Mark. It's a 28 day program. It's standard." Benny's voice was tinted with amusement.

"Besides, she's been progressing really, well. They don't have any concerns." Joanne added, still rubbing his back.

Mark sighed and ran his hand over his face. _Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. I think I remember that from brochures I picked up when Roger was going through withdrawal. This is good. She'll be home soon. You need to be happy not anxious. I can't believe I was doubting Mimi by wondering if it would be too soon, if she could handle it. As if she was weak or something…she'd be really happy to know I even began to think that. Ok, Cohen, stop thinking about it. Get up and offer your guests something to drink… even though one of them is already helping themselves._

Mark gave Joanne a kiss on the cheek as a silent "thank you" for her reassurance and stood up. The "t.v. static" momentarily passed over his vision, so he stood in place and waited for it to fade before he started moving.

"Stood up too fast, huh?" Benny asked as he leaned against the counter, watching Mark.

"Yeah, I haven't actually moved much today at all, so…." _Not white sure how to finish that sentence. _He cleared his throat instead, and started a new sentence. "So, anyone want anything to drink? I think I'll have tea."

"Naa, I'm good, thanks." Benny waved the suggestion away.

"We should be getting going anyway. You need your rest and don't need to be entertaining guests." Joanne stood, standing up to initiate the leaving process.

"We're not guests. Two thirds of us used to live here. We're family." Maureen protested, but stood up and grabbed her purse non-the-less. "But, we do need to get going. Mark, call if you need anything, ok, honey?" She walked over and gave him a kiss on the forehead and a gentle hug.

"Ok, Mo."

"Mark, you don't have shit to eat. I'll swing by tomorrow and drop off some groceries, ok? So, don't go out to get anything." Benny slapped him on the shoulder and slid open the door.

"I'm not a big fan of shit, actually, Benny. So really…don't bother. I don't have shit for a reason."

Benny rolled his eyes, but said nothing.

"I hope you can still sleep tonight after your nap." Joanne hugged him and kissed his cheek. "We'll stop by after we visit Mimi tomorrow, let you know how she's doing."

_And check up on me, no doubt. Make sure I'm behaving._

"Thanks, Joanne. Have a good night you guys."

Benny waited for the girls to file out before giving Mark a pointed look and saying "Eat something, if you can find anything," and shutting the door.

_Ok. Now what? I really don't feel like having tea._

Mark stood there in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do with himself. He finally gave up thinking about anything creative or interesting to do, and with a sigh plopped himself back down onto the couch. Just in time for the phone to ring.

"Aww, what now?" Mark growled irritably at the phone. As usual, he waited for the machine to pick up before deciding whether to answer it or not.

SPEAK

"Hey Mark, it's Roger. If you're there, pick up."

Mark reached over and picked up the phone, which was still sitting on the coffee table.

"Hey, I'm here. What's up?"

"Oh, hey. I thought you'd be there. You didn't go into work today, did you?" His voice had a tone that made Mark suspect that Roger knew why he wouldn't have gone to work.

_What did Collins tell him now?_

"Um…no." Mark said slowly. "I'm taking today and tomorrow off actually. Come to think of it, I'm off the next day anyway, so I have three days off." _Huh, I didn't even think of that until just now. Cool._

"Oh, good. You need the rest." Roger coughed, "So, how have you been?"

_I need the rest? Ok, how much does he know?_

"Yeah, I guess so. Um, I'm ok…" Mark cleared his throat, and paused trying to think of how to get Roger to spill. "Uh, have you talked to Collins lately?"

"Yeah, Mark. I did. Yesterday." Roger sounded confrontational and sharp.

"Oook." Mark in turn, sounded hesitant and suspicious.

"Mark….Jesus. You don't have to act like you have no idea what I'm getting at. I was hoping you'd tell me on your own."

"Tell you what, exactly?" There was no way Mark was going to admit anything to Roger unless absolutely necessary.

Roger gave an exasperated sigh, "You are impossible. Collins told me, Mark."

"Told you what?" Mark was being stubborn and childlike, and he knew it.

"You know what, never mind. I'm not playing that game with you." Mark could hear him lighting up a cigarette. "Have you gone to the clinic or the emergency room or anything, yet?"

_Shit…he must know about the incident at work. I have no freakin' privacy, even when I'm living alone._

Mark swallowed, still unsure how to proceed. "No, Roger." His voice was surprisingly weary sounding. "Of course not."

Roger was quiet for a moment, the only sound was his breathing as he took a drag off his cigarette.

"Mimi's coming home in two weeks and one day." _Changing the subject, way to go Mark._

"Mark, you're-that's…"Roger sighed, "That's really good. That's…I'm…glad."

Awkward pause.

"So, is she going to stay in her apartment or…with you…or…."

_Wow, I hadn't even thought of that yet. I hope she stays with me, actually. I don't like the thought of her staying alone so soon after getting clean._

"We haven't talked about it. I didn't actually talk to her today yet. Benny and the girls told me she was coming home. I think I'll call her later. Maybe I can ask if she's given that any thought yet."

"Yeah." Roger cleared his throat. "So, she's doing ok, then? I mean, as far as you know?"

Mark smiled, "Yeah, Rog. It sounds like she's doing really well." Pause. "So, how about you? How are you doing out there?"

"Me? Oh, uh. Ok I guess. It kind-a sucks. It's hot." Roger laughed. "I never thought I'd hear myself complaining about that, but…"

Mark laughed along with his friend. _Why does it feel so strained? Why does it feel like we've lost something? Like we're suddenly trying so hard just to feel like best friends again?_ A strange feeling began to worm its way into the pit of Mark's stomach. He felt…._doubt? Anxiety? Guilt? Lonliness? Fear?_

"I got something interesting in the mail today." Roger kept the lightness in his voice.

"Oh, yeah?" Mark tried to keep the lightness in his own voice.

"Collins decided that he would be a smart-ass and send me a one-way ticket back to New York. Expires in a year."

"Oh." Mark wasn't sure if he should laugh about how funny that was or ask Roger when he would be using it and possible kill the cheerful mood Roger was currently in. "That is interesting…"

"I know you're dying to ask me when I'm planning on using it."

_Ok then, if he already expects me to ask then, _"Ok. When are you planning on using it?"

Roger chuckled. "I don't know."

"Oh." _Brilliant reply, Cohen. Way to wow him with your wit._

"But, you'll be happy to know that it is very tempting to use it. I don't know Mark. I guess I thought it would be different. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I was hoping for something else…something more. Instead I'm out here, and it's beautiful, and it's _hot_. But, all that's changed is the scenery. And I'm alone."

_I guess he's in one of those rare moods where he's insightful and open._

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I can understand how that could be." Mark said quietly, looking around at his own empty apartment.

"Yeah," Roger breathed. "I mean, I've had time to think a lot of things through. I've written a lot…about Mimi. The other day I thought I saw her walk by while I was playing outside of this bar in town." He laughed quietly through his nose. "I really thought it was her, I completely froze…just stopped playing and held my breath. When the girl turned around I realized she didn't look anything like Mimi. I thought I was losing my mind."

"It sounds like you really miss her." Mark hoped that was an ok thing to say.

"Yeah, I do. I can't stop thinking about her, worrying about her. Mark, I know I still love her. You knew that all along, I know, so you can say I told you so if you want." Mark could swear he heard a hint of bitterness in Roger's voice in that last sentence.

"No. I don't want." Mark said simply, and waited for his friend to continue his rare disclosure.

"I just don't know what to do. I need to know she's going to stay clean. I need to know she chooses me and not Benny, or smack. I can't be with someone who can't fully commit to me and I can't be with someone who is doing the very thing that ruined my life. The thing that is still hard to resist when it's right in front of my face. I can't… I just can't do it."

Mark swallowed and rubbed his eyes that had begun to well up hearing the pain his best friend was in, and feeling completely helpless to do anything about from so far away.

"I think….I think in another week." Roger said suddenly.

"Hm? In another week what?" Mark shook his head, thoroughly confused.

"I think I'll use that ticket in another week."

Mark coughed out a strange desperate sounding laugh. It was the only response he could manage to give.

"Do you think you can manage to stay alive and relatively healthy until then?" The light, amused tone was back in Roger's voice.

"I'll try my best." Mark whispered. He was finding it very hard to talk through all the different things he was feeling at present. That pesky lump in his throat was getting in the way, as well.

"I'm not convinced that'll be good enough, but I guess that'll have to do for now. A week's not too long. Say hi to the girls for me, ok?"

"K."

"Get some sleep. And get Benny or someone to take you to see a doctor if anything else happens. Or if you aren't feeling better after your three days off."

Mark sighed, "I'll talk to you later, Rog. Take your AZT."

"Always do. I'll call again in a few days. Love you."

"Love you, too."

Mark slowly leaned forward and hung up the phone. He sat back and let the conversation sink in.

_He's coming home in a week. He's lonely, and confused, and in pain. Mimi's coming home in two weeks and by then, Roger will be back. What's she going to want to do with that? How long is he going to wait before letting her back in? What exactly did Collins tell him to cause him to tell me go see a doctor?_

Mark sighed and closed his eyes. After those questions died away he became painfully aware of the stillness around him. He opened his eyes and looked around. In the distance a car horn blared twice then stopped. And then there was silence. Thick, suffocating, deafening silence.

A feeling of panic began to seep in through Mark's pores. He could feel his heart beating in his chest and temples. He felt cold and hot at the same time. His eyelids felt like they were heavy and sticky, but he couldn't stop blinking them rapidly over his red and watery eyes. He swallowed over and over and his breathing became erratic with the oncoming sobs.

With Collins officially gone; Benny, Maureen, and Joanne gone for the night; and without Roger's voice on the phone, Mark felt more alone then he had felt in a very long time.

_Is this how it's going to be? Is this what's it's going to feel like everyday, every minute when they're all gone?_

The thought was unbearable. The memory of Angel, his death still so fresh and the memory of Rachel, her death an old wound that never healed, clawed at his heart. Loneliness and grief fell over Mark like a lead blanket. He felt shredded and broken, like he was in so many pieces they could never be put back together. He felt small and helpless, like the faintest breath of wind could destroy him.

He brought his knees up to his chest, hid his face, and wept. He wept for himself, for Roger, for Rachel, and Angel. He wept for all his friends' pain now, and the pain yet to come. He wept for the lives lost, and the ones left behind. He wept for the unknown, and all the things he wished he didn't know. He wept until there was nothing left but hiccups and sniffs. He wept until all he felt was numb and…

_Hollow. I am hollow._


End file.
